Fan Fiction
This story has been set to a rating of R. Age verification is required to proceed.
Tomb Raider – Bette Porter L Word
St Paul’s Episcopal Church – Orange County – Bette
As I file out of the church and into the parking lot after Dana’s funeral service I get that Republicans in Orange County are a different species. I realize that a hundred years of evolutionary science has proven that diversity is the key to any species’ survival. I am not an against the grain theoretical nitwit. But what I am is solidly convinced of the following.
Number One: There was no soul inside the walls of that church just now and Dana’s soul certainly wasn’t there at all. She had kept herself safe from that at least. But as her friends we came out here -to the deepest red of Orange County -for whatever it was worth because I felt no healing, no closure, no coming together during the hymns and psalms. I feel sick that she is gone and angry.
And you know what? Not everyone would pick a bar for their father’s memorial. Granted it made sense to me and Kit but could these people and the hideous red brick building behind me possibly be anymore soulless and sterile? I watch as couple after couple in search of tomato aspic, golf tees and tedium drive away in their Lincolns and Cadillacs. I smile at the memory of Alice’s impromptu from the back of the church. Our team had at least tried to bring some truth to a misguided eulogy.
Number Two: Tina’s new community of white, straight, coupled-up, customized and galvanized for shiny reflections back to itself bullshit sours my mood hourly. I hate to think about Angelica growing up in it. Right now as I walk to my car to drive home after this godforsaken funeral I’d like to burn something the fuck down. Then I stop.
Why is Alice raiding the parking lot garbage can for a Starbucks cup and lid?
“Alice did you drop something in there? Can I help you?” She is someone I must pay attention to for the next several weeks. My meltdown time is over it’s someone else’s turn now.
“Come here. Come inside. I need you to stand guard.” Alice presses the sticky cup against me and pulls me toward the back door of the church.
Comments
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
azmama says
Another home run! So funny,witty but macabre and sad. Although, I wouldn’t like it if someone stole my loved one’s ashes but the scene was still freakin’ funny.
cvu says
Damn! this is hilarious!….So funny that i want to see that it played out on my tv screen!…
Helena and Bette kiss? lmao..and she want to kiss Bette more? Alice is panicking?!
“We’re coming Dana. Just hang in there.” Alice looks up at me desperately. “I can’t get the fucking thing open!” She cries…what about when Tina comes in and saw the”kiss”… :P precious!
azmama was right..you’ve got another home run here.
brinny says
Bette kissing Helena and Tina walking on them. Hilarious! I pay good money to see that! I am so glad that Tina is going to talk to Bette about what happened to Lucy and her. Thanks for making Henry not there during the talk.
bumsue says
Well my friend, you worked that one out quite well. So proud of you and your writings similar to spider webs, so precise yet riveting in beauty and flow. I laughed my butt off picturing in my mind that scene in the church playing out with the ashes and the kiss. It was an ending fit for the beauty of Dana and who she had become.
Ahhh, a turn toward home….
I like how you introduced the letter and conversation with Tina as a point in her life that I think Bette deserves an explanation for. The history between them warrants it. Hendick is still too fresh.
I’m beaming for the journey. Your voice and style are incredibly right on with this story writing.
Thank you for your gifts to us!
wkm says
Pretty entertaining. I would love to have seen that in the series. Too funny. Thanks
tomboydee says
the story is hilarious and sad. the funny part was helena and bette “kiss” lol. .yeah they hated each other. alice is a great character. i can’t believe about dana “died” in the show. you have done a marvelous job writing. as I always said, keep up the good work. i enjoyed your story.. now i am going to read the other story “Milkyway”
@Shaggy56 says
Absolutely LOVED it.Top to bottom.Can u imagine the URN STEALING being played out on the small screen?So much better &funnier than 17REASONS
SassyGran says
Really liked this. It has all the emotions and was funny too. Would have loved to have seen the Helena/Bette kiss on screen with JB, LuH and RS!
goyabeans4me says
The more I read this, the better it gets…..”…Starbucks cup….lol!!”
SassyGran says
How could I have forgotten just how great this Chapter was :D
I am so enjoying my re-read on a cold rainy day in UK :)
Thanks BB :D
Blackbird says
SassyGran, Thank you! This was a really fun and amusing to write to imagine how the group of friends ended up with Dana’s ashes in the first place. Dana’s family had been very protective and dismissive of Dana and her friends. And then to conceive of the scenario of them stealing Dana’s ashes from the stuffy “blind the obvious” church in the Republican stronghold of Orange County.
Another story that I had a blast writing was imagining was, Tomb Raider. Where would Bette go for baby kidnapping supplies when she spirited Angelica away from Shane’s botched wedding? Naturally, for the purposes of GIVING Bette a complete, “Fish Out of Water” moment I chose, WalMart. Bette Porter in a WalMart for the first time in her life and in the mood she was in amused me no end. I hope it did you, too.
It is there she finds her wonderful prop that repeats a few more times to great effect in my WeHo series, Bette’s Bowie Knife. That scary treacherous thing so matched her boiling mood at times that she had to bring it out again and again for all its menacing glory. I can’t remember all the times she flashed it for her satisfaction and mine but they were all great moments.
Thanks for reading! Thanks for commenting! And most of all – THANKS for enjoying yourself so thoroughly.
Blackbird