Chapter 6

Love is a fire.
But whether it is going
to warm your heart
or burn down your house,
you can never tell.

Joan Crawford



Tina opened the French doors that led to the deck. She wasn’t intentionally being quiet, but she was surprised that Bette had not turned to look at her. As she got closer she saw that her wife’s shoulders were shaking, and then she heard the sobs, the likes of which she had never heard before. The sound was almost inhuman, and she instantly rushed to Bette’s side.

“Baby, are you ok?”

Bette rocked herself back and forth, unable to form the words to let Tina know that, no, she was not ok. In fact, she was pretty far from it.

Tina sat on the lounge chair with Bette and pulled her into an embrace, wrapping her arms around Bette as tightly as she could, shushing her.

“Let it out, Bette, let it all out.” Tina had never seen Bette like this before, and it scared her. She hoped that it was what Bette needed, this release of emotion that she had been keeping in for such a long time. Bette had never been one to cry, no matter how bad their fights had been. Her breakdown in front of the cameras and in the shower were rarities, and had caused alarm for Tina. She knew that Bette had to really be going through something if she had lost it like that.

Tina was so different. She usually cried during all their fights, but in the past months she had been so emotionally detached from the situation that she had no tears in her. She always felt so weak when she cried, and it seemed to make Bette even more angry when she would. It wasn’t so much that she was hurting, it was more being frustrated at being unable to get through to Bette, at being unable to express the feelings inside of her so that Bette would understand.

“I love you so much, Tina.” Bette’s words made Tina hold onto her even more.

“I love you too, Bette.”

Bette turned in Tina’s embrace, her face in Tina’s neck, inhaling the sweet smell of her. She reacted to her instincts and began to place light kisses there, then moved up to Tina’s jaw nipping it with her teeth, her tears wet against Tina’s face.

Tina threw her head back, allowing Bette more access, her hormones screaming yes, while her mind told her that they should not be doing this. Bette untied Tina’s robe, running her hands over Tina’s ***** as she looked at them, so intent as if she were memorizing every detail. She wanted to drink it all in, to climb so far inside of Tina’s body that nothing and no one would ever be able to pull her out.

Bette had turned on the chair, so that Tina’s legs were over her own. They had been in this position many times, it was Bette’s favorite way to make love. Bette loved to have Tina in her lap as she rode her fingers, loved to kiss her neck and face as Tina came. She lowered her hand across Tina’s belly, and was surprised when Tina suddenly pulled away.

“We can’t Bette,” she said, out of breath and panting.

“Why?” Bette’s eyes were pleading, as she waited for Tina to answer her.

“Look, both of us are a bit emotional right now. ***** isn’t going to solve any of this.”

Bette looked away. Of course Tina was right.

“Why did you come back out here anyway?” Bette asked, then quickly added, “Not that I mind.”

“I was going to apologize.”

Bette wiped at her tears with the sleeve of her robe, unsure of what she had just heard. “Apologize?”

“It’s always been such a habit for me to go to bed angry, to shut you out when you don’t say what I want you to say, or do what I want you to do. It’s stupid, and it has never solved anything between us. I’m sorry for that, and I don’t want to continue doing it.”

“You were always so much better at sharing your feelings and all that.”

“Bette, you say that as if it is a bad thing,” Tina chuckled.

Bette smiled. She loved to hear Tina laugh, and she realized that this was the first real conversation they had shared in months.

“No, it isn’t bad. I just wish it were easier for me to be that way, maybe things would be different. I envy that about you. I know I never said it, but I always appreciated that you were so in touch with the relationship.”

“Someone had to mind the marriage, Bette.”

“I guess there couldn’t be two gardeners.”

Tina looked at her quizzically, and Bette continued. “When you have a marriage, it’s like a garden, and there can only be one gardener in charge, otherwise if you had more than one, they would end up fighting over what each of their visions for the garden are.”

“I don’t know if I agree with that Bette.”

“Really?”

“Really. I mean, if you had two gardeners you could work together, share the vision so that they both were satisfied with the end result. It’s called compromise.”

Bette smiled, “That makes sense, T. See what happens when I try to read Cosmo?”

Tina tightened her hold on Bette, “I didn’t like to feel like I was the only one who cared what happened to us.”

“I never wanted you to feel that way. I was worried, I was scared, but I kept thinking that it would go away. If I ignored it, or let you worry and deal with it, then it would go away. Stupid, huh?” Bette grabbed onto Tina’s hands, which were clasped around her waist.

“No. Well, yea. You’re just so ***** practical sometimes, Bette.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, that if I told you my grandmother had died..”

“Wait, you’re grandmothers are all already dead,” Bette interrupted.

“Can I finish?” Tina teased.

“Please do.”

“Well, if I told you that my grandmother was dead, you would tell me that we needed to make the arrangements, get the money, tell me that we could have people over when the service had ended. In so many situations, you’re all business.”

“So, what is wrong with that?”

“Nothing at all, for some people. You know what I would really want though?”

“What?” Bette asked, as she stared into Tina’s soft brown eyes.

“I would want you to hold me while I cried, to tell me that everything was going to be fine, to catch me when I fell apart.”

“I don’t think I understand, all that other stuff would still have to be done.” Bette furrowed her brow, and Tina tapped it until the skin was smooth again.

“I need your comfort Bette, and that doesn’t mean that you have to be in charge of everything, or everyone. It can be just you holding me, or telling me that you love me, or turning off your cell phone once in awhile.”

“You make it sound so simple, Tina,” Bette sighed, and Tina was beginning to get the impression that she was tired.

“I think at one time, it was that simple. Now? Well, now I don’t think that at all.”

“What do you think?”

“I think it’s going to take a ***** of a lot of work, and I think we both need to decide whether or not it is worth it.”