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    Nightfall

    It’s the end of another day and I’m staring out of my bedroom window watching the trees as they try to keep some lingering sun in their branches.

    It’s a familiar scene that evokes familiar feelings and today is no different to any other day. As usual, it brings me memories of Tina…of how I tried to keep her, but she slipped through my fingers like that sun is slipping away from the grasp of those trees.

    As I stand in the half-light and think about what we had – and what I managed to destroy – I feel once more that awful churning in the pit of my stomach, realising how wrong my nights have become…

    when I climb into bed and feel someone else’s body press up against mine but it‘s Tina I smell,

    when I feel someone else’s arms around me but it’s Tina’s touch that I crave,

    when I feel someone else’s lips kiss mine but it’s Tina’s mouth I can taste.

    It’s a lesson I’m taught over and over…

    …as much as she had every right to – I should never have let her walk away from me.

    I’ve tried so hard to move on, really I have. I’ve been with someone else for a while now and I’m sure in the beginning I thought she was the one who would help me to get over the whole mess I made of everything.

    But she isn’t.

    She can’t.

    I do care for my girlfriend and there’s so much about her that I admire and respect. But for all that there is that attracted me to her and has kept us together ’til now, there’s one thing she can never make up for.

    She’s not Tina.

    The predicament I find myself in is all of my own doing and I’m wracked with guilt at the thoughts of what I have to do – and how cruel I have to be – to get myself out of it. But it can’t be any more cruel than what I’m doing now. I’m not being fair to her, making her into some kind of an unknowing fool. And so I know I must put a stop to this, that I can’t go on living a lie. I’m tired of wondering what I have to do so she won’t see that my heart doesn’t belong to her.

    Because Tina is the one I love.

    The one I’ve always loved.

    And I miss her.

    These nights that are separating us have grown too wide, and I just want her to be here with me again. I turn away from the window and look to the bed and I just crumble because I know that the only reason she doesn’t lie there any more – is me. I know I don’t deserve to have her in my life. I don’t ever deserve her forgiveness, I hurt her so much. And yet I cling to the hope that she can forgive me, that somehow, over the passage of time, the memories of how good we were have managed to outweigh the memories of how bad I was.

    I stare more intently at the bed, at the pillow that was hers and I wonder where she’ll be resting her beautiful blonde head tonight. Will I be on her mind as she drifts off? And in the morning, will I be the first thing she thinks of – just as I will be thinking of her? I don’t have to conjure up thoughts of her – she’s just there, just like the scent of her lingers still in the fibre of this house.

    My heart aches with the depth of the need I have to lie once more in the quiet of her love, if indeed she could love me again. That she couldn’t is too devastating to contemplate, and I can‘t bear to look at that pillow any longer.

    I turn again to face the trees as if they could tell me whether her love is still mine. But the answer’s there, in the encroaching darkness itself – that’s where I will find everything I need to know. Because soon the twilight will pass and I can greet with happiness the shadows that lengthen across my room. For they will bring the night, and they will bring dreams…and they will bring her back to me.

    And in sleep, I will run…

    …I will be gathered to her heart.

    And she will still love me.

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