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    Growing Up – (Chapter: Desperation)

                After wiggling the key off the ring, I press it silently into the counter and without looking back I leave the only place I could ever call home.

     

                The impact of seeing Spencer again, was much greater than I could have prepared myself for.  After spending all that time apart, letting go should not be this hard.  I should not feel like my whole world has just collapsed around me.  Up until the moment I saw her lying on her bed I had pushed my feelings for her aside.  Her presence seems to awaken a part of me that otherwise remains dormant.

     

                For the past few weeks, I have walked around in a blind ignorance.  I knew what I had done was wrong and I should have tried to fix it.  Spencer has every right to be inexcusably mad at me.  First I blow up at her, then I trample her feelings, and then I never call her back.  Deep down I think convinced myself I could never lose her.  Therefore, mending our broken friendship had not seemed like a priority until now and now it is too late.

     

                I have been lying in my bed for hours at a time, not even really sure how many days have passed since I left her house.  Time seems to have slowed to allow me to truly feel every painful second.  Sara calls constantly, but I know she can not understand what I am going through and I ignore her calls.  It is an indescribable feeling to lose your best friend, no matter how much distance you had from each other. I stare at the ceiling in a catatonic trance; too depressed to even cry.

     

                At some point my mom actually checks in, concerned by how much time I have been spending home.  I clutch my pillow in my arms as she speaks to me.  Eventually getting the point that I do not want to talk, she leaves.  Even though it was her, human contact of any kind is almost welcome.  I hear a soft knock on the door and I assume it is her again.

     

                “Go away.”  I hear footsteps in the room.  “Mom, please!”

    Page 1 of 3123

    Comments

    1. Oh come on! I had just gotten out of the hospital. I hadn’t even unpacked yet, man, are you kidding? And now here I am, typing this from the stretcher as they wheel me back in to the emergency room. Heart attack number 7, thanks a lot caseygurl. Anyway, this is an awesome chapter. Just awesome and heartbreaking and beautiful.

    2. ok so i was actually choking when i read this…i took a drink of water…and i choked on it!…ok so i love you…hate you and want to choke you the same way this story made me choke…but im a reasonable person and im sure that you are too…so therefore you have to continue with this well written masterpiece in action…please i beg of thee..post more SOON!…oh and sorry i havent really commented on the last few chapters…my parental units were being asses so i couldnt get on..w/e, you know im still your number 1 fan… : )

    3. nOoo…you’re so mean…*tears coming out*…how could spencer be so insensitive ??? it’s so damn frustrating that ashley finally opens up about her feelings… only to get a stab at her heart !!! c’mon, there HAS to be something else ashley could do to keep spencer…anything…!! gosh, you have to post real soon !!! i don’t think my heart can take it….T_T

    4. ok i love you!! you know that right?? sooo ima quote you… “…Jesse has not yet disclosed to Spencer that will lead to their demise” …and im goin to hold u to that! lolzlove this chapture… i hit the damn computer again dont leave me haning for too long pleeeeaaaaassssseeeee

    5. “I can actually hear the sound of my heart breaking”. As I read this chapter, I swear I could hear my heart breaking too. You continue to amaze me with this awesome story. Please make this right between Spence and Ash, and please, please post again soon!!

    6. I’m not going to lie….every time i checked this site i hope to read this story, and everytime i get my hopes to be let down!!! You break my heart!!!! Great story, can’t wait to see what happens next with Ashley!!

    7. I’m too sleepy to deal with this kind of emotional turmoil. I am too exhausted to fully comprehend. And now I’m going to have to close my office door.. leaving my staff confused, thinking that I’m pissed at them.. but really, I don’t want them to see me crying! Wonderful chapter. Please post more, sure it may be ripping my heart out, but I just keep NEEDING more! Thank you, caseygurl.

    8. I’m so proud of Ashley for finally revealing her true feelings to Spencer. I’m so proud of her that I wish I could give her a pat on the ass…I mean…back. Ok, I really mean to say ass. I’m not mad at Spencer for reacting the way she did. She was probably a little bit in shock, so I understand. She just needs some time to process everything. And did you say that Jesse is hiding info from Spencer that leads to their demise? I KNEW that dumb Jesse was hiding something! And I’ve never been more in love with the word “demise”. GREAT JOB, caseygirl! Can’t wait for the next post!

    9. this is great. I love when people don’t pair these to right away. it give’s you so much to build on and so much to look forward to. At the same time this chapter made me sad. Damn. Your a really good writter. Anyways hope you post more very very soon. cant wait.

    10. You know you really have my heart on strings,here!!!!!Constantly pulling them from side to side…JUST when I think that …they have a chance..This comes up..” “I can’t do this.” She whispers, her voice barely audible…and ..PRETTY MUCH..”goaskalice” says it the best…”Heart attack number 7″…As always you have wriiten a fabulous chapter..and..I can’t wait for the next one…and the next one…You ROCK!!!..Post soon!!!

    11. a week man. a week. that was harsh. but i forgive you because i love your writing. har. dl why by jason aldean, the chorus is the epitome of ashley. see what you’ve done? i can’t even be at peace when i listen to my ipod because i’m always thinking…i wonder if caseygurl updated her fanfic yet. i used to be a fully functioning member of society but now i’ve been reduced to a bumbling mess. thanks caseygurl. thanks alot! now you could easily restore me to my former glory if you just send me your fanfic in its entirety. No? well..it was worth a try.

    12. i really don’t know what to say, i suppose i should say something like: “my heart is breaking” but i like to be original and this would be like what? repitition #10^6, but seriously man, you better become a doctor or something because you are constantly sending peoiple to the hospital with your stories. Not me though, i have faith in you, i just enjoy your stories too much. And I will not disclose the secret about Jesse… even though is obvious from the other chapters, that stupid BOT

    13. Memo to self: Although it is exciting to discover that a new chapter to this kick-ass story has been posted, stop reading them at work. It won’t go over well when you have to explain to your boss that you’re crying due to fanfic.

    14. Gah! *grabs chest* So…utterly…heartbreaking. Poor Ashley, she was already fucked up, now after this….I don’t know what she’s gonna do. Spencer wanted it, she knew she did. Man, that fucking sux! Update again soon.

    15. ok this is my review #2 as i promised… wtf Spencer? didn’t you want ashley to tell you what’s wrong and then you leave her still? she just told you she is in love with you DAMN IT! you better win her back once jess-bot breaks down on the springer show. Ashley try to move on into sara she seems fun. Really spencer I’m so mad at you right now. Aughhhhh. And to the author aughhhh tooo. you write so well that I wish i could slapsome sence into spencer

    16. Oh come on! I had just gotten out of the hospital. I hadn’t even unpacked yet, man, are you kidding? And now here I am, typing this from the stretcher as they wheel me back in to the emergency room. Heart attack number 7, thanks a lot caseygurl. Anyway, this is an awesome chapter. Just awesome and heartbreaking and beautiful.

    17. ok so i was actually choking when i read this…i took a drink of water…and i choked on it!…ok so i love you…hate you and want to choke you the same way this story made me choke…but im a reasonable person and im sure that you are too…so therefore you have to continue with this well written masterpiece in action…please i beg of thee..post more SOON!…oh and sorry i havent really commented on the last few chapters…my parental units were being asses so i couldnt get on..w/e, you know im still your number 1 fan… : )

    18. nOoo…you’re so mean…*tears coming out*…how could spencer be so insensitive ??? it’s so damn frustrating that ashley finally opens up about her feelings… only to get a stab at her heart !!! c’mon, there HAS to be something else ashley could do to keep spencer…anything…!! gosh, you have to post real soon !!! i don’t think my heart can take it….T_T

    19. ok i love you!! you know that right?? sooo ima quote you… “…Jesse has not yet disclosed to Spencer that will lead to their demise” …and im goin to hold u to that! lolzlove this chapture… i hit the damn computer again dont leave me haning for too long pleeeeaaaaassssseeeee

    20. “I can actually hear the sound of my heart breaking”. As I read this chapter, I swear I could hear my heart breaking too. You continue to amaze me with this awesome story. Please make this right between Spence and Ash, and please, please post again soon!!

    21. I’m not going to lie….every time i checked this site i hope to read this story, and everytime i get my hopes to be let down!!! You break my heart!!!! Great story, can’t wait to see what happens next with Ashley!!

    22. I’m too sleepy to deal with this kind of emotional turmoil. I am too exhausted to fully comprehend. And now I’m going to have to close my office door.. leaving my staff confused, thinking that I’m pissed at them.. but really, I don’t want them to see me crying! Wonderful chapter. Please post more, sure it may be ripping my heart out, but I just keep NEEDING more! Thank you, caseygurl.

    23. I’m so proud of Ashley for finally revealing her true feelings to Spencer. I’m so proud of her that I wish I could give her a pat on the ass…I mean…back. Ok, I really mean to say ass. I’m not mad at Spencer for reacting the way she did. She was probably a little bit in shock, so I understand. She just needs some time to process everything. And did you say that Jesse is hiding info from Spencer that leads to their demise? I KNEW that dumb Jesse was hiding something! And I’ve never been more in love with the word “demise”. GREAT JOB, caseygirl! Can’t wait for the next post!

    24. this is great. I love when people don’t pair these to right away. it give’s you so much to build on and so much to look forward to. At the same time this chapter made me sad. Damn. Your a really good writter. Anyways hope you post more very very soon. cant wait.

    25. You know you really have my heart on strings,here!!!!!Constantly pulling them from side to side…JUST when I think that …they have a chance..This comes up..” “I can’t do this.” She whispers, her voice barely audible…and ..PRETTY MUCH..”goaskalice” says it the best…”Heart attack number 7″…As always you have wriiten a fabulous chapter..and..I can’t wait for the next one…and the next one…You ROCK!!!..Post soon!!!

    26. a week man. a week. that was harsh. but i forgive you because i love your writing. har. dl why by jason aldean, the chorus is the epitome of ashley. see what you’ve done? i can’t even be at peace when i listen to my ipod because i’m always thinking…i wonder if caseygurl updated her fanfic yet. i used to be a fully functioning member of society but now i’ve been reduced to a bumbling mess. thanks caseygurl. thanks alot! now you could easily restore me to my former glory if you just send me your fanfic in its entirety. No? well..it was worth a try.

    27. i really don’t know what to say, i suppose i should say something like: “my heart is breaking” but i like to be original and this would be like what? repitition #10^6, but seriously man, you better become a doctor or something because you are constantly sending peoiple to the hospital with your stories. Not me though, i have faith in you, i just enjoy your stories too much. And I will not disclose the secret about Jesse… even though is obvious from the other chapters, that stupid BOT

    28. Memo to self: Although it is exciting to discover that a new chapter to this kick-ass story has been posted, stop reading them at work. It won’t go over well when you have to explain to your boss that you’re crying due to fanfic.

    29. Gah! *grabs chest* So…utterly…heartbreaking. Poor Ashley, she was already fucked up, now after this….I don’t know what she’s gonna do. Spencer wanted it, she knew she did. Man, that fucking sux! Update again soon.

    30. ok this is my review #2 as i promised… wtf Spencer? didn’t you want ashley to tell you what’s wrong and then you leave her still? she just told you she is in love with you DAMN IT! you better win her back once jess-bot breaks down on the springer show. Ashley try to move on into sara she seems fun. Really spencer I’m so mad at you right now. Aughhhhh. And to the author aughhhh tooo. you write so well that I wish i could slapsome sence into spencer

    31. AAaaahhhhhh!! That seemed to be the first thing that came to my mind after I read this! Why must you do this to us! It’s okay, you know what, I am going to wait for the Jerry Springer episode you have been talked about…I know there is something up with that Jess girl, we haven’t heard much about her, so there is a lot to work with!! Do the damn thang girl and post SOON!!

    32. AAaaahhhhhh!! That seemed to be the first thing that came to my mind after I read this! Why must you do this to us! It’s okay, you know what, I am going to wait for the Jerry Springer episode you have been talked about…I know there is something up with that Jess girl, we haven’t heard much about her, so there is a lot to work with!! Do the damn thang girl and post SOON!!

    33. OMG what are you doing to me. Its making me sooooooooo sad but I hope that it will brighten up but dont leave me waiting too long. I need a fix already!

    34. OMG what are you doing to me. Its making me sooooooooo sad but I hope that it will brighten up but dont leave me waiting too long. I need a fix already!

    35. Awwww….**shaking head**that is so bloody wrong case…but I loved it. Hmmm, must have some S&M in me somewhere I guess. Poor Ash, my heart is breaking for her, but I still have Hope (he’s in my closet)…cheers mate!!

    36. Awwww….**shaking head**that is so bloody wrong case…but I loved it. Hmmm, must have some S&M in me somewhere I guess. Poor Ash, my heart is breaking for her, but I still have Hope (he’s in my closet)…cheers mate!!

    37. Spencer is hurt, I accept that, time will heal the pain but I don’t even wanna think about those two breaking up for good!!! give us more hope… please?

    38. Spencer is hurt, I accept that, time will heal the pain but I don’t even wanna think about those two breaking up for good!!! give us more hope… please?

    39. Oh wow. That was… I don’t have the words to decribe what that was. Just, wow. Beautiful writing. There’s tears in my eyes. I hardly ever get teary-eyed reading fic! You are a damn fine writer, caseygurl. Damn fine. This story is so good — the best! You’re the best. I cannot wait to read more… Thank you for the update. :)

    40. Oh wow. That was… I don’t have the words to decribe what that was. Just, wow. Beautiful writing. There’s tears in my eyes. I hardly ever get teary-eyed reading fic! You are a damn fine writer, caseygurl. Damn fine. This story is so good — the best! You’re the best. I cannot wait to read more… Thank you for the update. :)

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