“c1″> 

“c1″> 

Chapter nine: All my
sins and fears to bear

"I
really don’t understand you. First you reject the
Queen’s offer to grant you an amnesty and now you miss out on
the chance to leave your past behind and start a new
life."

“c1″> 

Xena
smiled, she knew the question would come eventually but she
wouldn’t have thought possible that it really would be the
first thing to cross her lover’s mind.

“c1″> 

“c1″>"Seems stupid, doesn’t it? Please believe me,
it isn’t this easy.” The tall warrior visibly was
searching for the right words. “Remember the day your father
demanded that you once again be put in his custody. You had the
chance to let me deal with him. You wouldn’t have had to face
him but you insisted on doing so tough we both knew in advance you
would be badly shaken up by the encounter.
Why?"

“c1″> 

“c1″>"It was the right thing to do, Xena. It was the
only way to get rid of my past. I had to look him in the eyes. I
had to know why he sold me like I was one of his sheep. I had to
know why he never loved me. It was the first time I had the chance
to face what had happened. I knew I was finally free the day you
first brought me to the apple tree but I only began to feel free
when I faced him. However, the situations are not
comparable."

“c1″> 

“c1″>"Are you sure?" The younger woman didn’t
answer, her eyes fixed on her hands. "Please, look at me.
There’s something I didn’t tell the jury, about what
happened after Queen Cyane’s death.

“c1″> 

"I
really can’t recall in which direction I stumbled but at a
point I found myself once again at the funeral clearing. I
don’t know if it was one or two days later but the bodies
still were lying as they were killed. Artemis’ temple was
right next to the funeral ground but it was further away from the
village than it is here. Thunder was rolling not too far off. I
decided to seek shelter in the temple.

“c1″> 

“c1″>"Immediately afterwards I tried to convince myself
that it had been a hallucination, a fever induced dream but deep in
my heart I knew that it was true.

“c1″> 

“c1″>"The doors were open and I was foolish and arrogant
enough to enter. I passed the threshold and suddenly found myself
in front of the altar. There was the weight of a whole mountain
resting on my shoulders and I was forced to my knees. I desperately
tried to get back to my feet but it didn’t work. I reached
for the altar stone to pull me up. My hand touched the shimmering
surface and the weight on my shoulders descended deep in my heart.
For the first time in years, I had a name for these feelings,
feelings that since the death of my brother every once in while
threatened to suffocate me.