CHAPTER ONE


People make mistakes, granted thats the biggest excuse in the world, but when I look for a reason as to why I did what I did its the only thing that comes to mind. Because thats what Candace was, a mistake. The biggest mistake that I have ever made. I cant believe Ive been so stupid, so selfish.
I think of the past few days, and then I think of the past few years, and I know I must be the biggest idiot in the world. I sacrificed the one person in my life that I need and love the most. I broke Tinas heart, and for what? For a few gropes, a few moans, a few ***** with a woman that I cant even stand to look at anymore. I feel betrayed, even though the only emotion I deserve to feel is guilt, I feel betrayed by myself. My body practically begged me to give in, and take, and be taken by Candace when my mind knew all along that what I really wanted was the kind of attention Candace was giving me but from Tina.
I wanted my Tina, my beautiful, amazing Tina, without the problems, without the miscarriage, without the trouble from Provocations. I guess you could say that I was jealous. Here was my Tina with her new blossoming career, and her new reason to want to carry on, and suddenly I knew how Tina must have felt. How useless she must have felt as the house wife. Tina loved me in a way that nobody else ever has. She put up with my mood swings, the arguments wed have when Id take a stressful day out on her, shed put up with it and shed comfort me. She would look into my eyes and Id know, without even having to ask, that I was hers, and she was mine.
But now Ive ruined it all, and I want to fix it, want to put a band aid over the hurt, and kiss it better, but there isnt a band aid or a kiss big enough. I dont know what to say, or what to do. I cant see her, I cant call her, because at least while Im lying here in bed, gazing up at the blank walls, and seeing Tinas face, shes not screaming at me that its over. While were apart, at least theres still hope, there is still a chance that we can be together again.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day. Sitting on the bed, our bed, holding her black sweater to my face and crying in all the nostalgia. Smells trigger the most powerful memories. I was smelling this sweater and it was like she was here, caressing my cheeks with those hands that are as soft as silk. I looked pathetic, clutching at this garment as if it really were Tina. But then I realised how much more pathetic it was that this was the closest thing to Tina I have. Ive wasted so long being afraid, procrastinating when I should be fighting for her. Tina deserves to be fought for, and I know Ill fight for her, fight until Im dead. I might aswell be if I never get her back.