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    Bette’s Journal

    Tina has just gotten off the phone with Bette. Her heart feels full knowing that Bette truly loves her; that she didn’t abandon her. As she turns to her nightstand to cut the light out, Bette’s journal catches her eye. Feeling in a better mood since seeing and talking to her Beloved, she decides to read some before going to bed. However, she is not prepared for the onslaught of emotions that will stir within herself.


    Monday, March 16, 2009

    This is my journal… what am I supposed to say? Dear Diary or some other childlike phrase before I begin rambling incoherently. 



    I’ll just write. That’s what Dan said… ”put your thoughts and feelings on paper… any order, doesn’t need to be cohesive – it’s not a story…” Yeah, well, it’d be a pretty shitty story.



    Tina is giggling as she reads Bette’s words, imagining the frustrated mutterings falling from the caramel woman’s lips.


    Thoughts… thoughts… just write anything I’m thinking… anything I’m feeling…


    This makes me uncomfortable. I’ve never dared to speak my inner most thoughts, struggles, fears, whatever… into even the darkest corners of the emptiest rooms, but here I am… writing them down. It feels as if I’m breathing life into them… giving them immortality… what if they consume me?

    I miss Tina…


    I miss Tina so much! I never knew it was possible to miss someone so much… it hurts – not just emotionally, but physically too. I feel… my body feels tight; it feels like I’m being weighed down by some unbearable pressure. It feels like I’m trying to fight that pressure, but at any moment it could just… suffocate me… 


    Tina’s breath catches as the heavy words resonate with her own experience; her mind a dichotomy of gratefulness and unyielding sorrow to know that Bette has been struggling with the same things she has since entering the facility. She continues to read.


    My heart… my heart feels like it’s literally breaking apart. It’s like… as I watched Tina walk further into the facility until I couldn’t see her anymore, a deep crack formed on my heart – like when you throw a rock at a windshield – it’s not broken… just cracked… Then, when she didn’t call me… that crack began to spider – more tiny cracks forming around the first one… as time continues to move forward without being able to feel her smooth, fragile body enfolded into mine, without being able to run my fingers through her soft, golden hair, without being able to lose myself in the angelic lilt that spills from her lips – each word wrapped in love, without being able to smell the sweet essence she encapsulates – her scent is indescribable; the only word for it is Tina… as I move through each day unable to have those things… unable to have her… unable to have Tina… My T… those cracks spread and deepen; and with each crack the unbearable pressure builds.

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    1. Yay! Thanks for this chapter. Bette has been through a lot. The way you wrote how she was feeling was really good. It’s a perfect description of how it feels when you miss someone very much. That pressure. I’ve never been able to describe it, but that was just right. Can’t wait for the next one.

      • Thank you for reading! :-)

        It’s so hard to describe the physicality of emotions… they’re so overwhelming at times it feels beyond words – as if words aren’t enough. I’m glad my description was satisfying.

    2. This story is so well written I teared up. Bette’s diary is so eloquently written as she pulls her feelings out. I can’t wait to read Tina’s diary. Thank you for the poignant writing.

      • Thank you for your kind words!

        I’ve always felt that Bette was so precise with her words… she always seemed to speak in such an evoking way; I wanted to explore that in her journal entry.

        Tina’s voice is so different to me… the way she emotes. So, her entry will be less eloquent, but hopefully you find it just as poignant.

        Thank you for reading! :-)

    3. Love this story. I have a fondness for the underdog, the down trodden, the resilient warrior. Rooting for Tina to overcome the attack and for Bette to continue to be safety in the storm. PSS

    4. Elizabeth, not sure if I’ve commented on this story before but I’ve been reading and I must say what a great job you are doing with Bette and Tina’s journey. I loved this chapter. Journal entries, Tina’s reaction, and then Bette’s assurance. It’s a wonderful developing relations of two broken people who are just what the doctor ordered to mend them. Thank you for sharing your amazing storytelling talent with us.

      • Thank you for all of your kind words!

        It’s so hard to give Bette and Tina’s journey the space it needs. I so often just want to skip ahead to the happy end where they’re just healed and whole; but that wouldn’t be as delicious. It’s riding along that journey with them that makes the ending so sweet!

        Thank you for reading! :-)

    5. What a beautifully written chapter.

      Bette knows how well to describe how she feels and what it does to her. Her feelings about being abandoned because she is not worth it, very impressive.

      Bette feels that she is in this world to shower people with love and thinks that she is only a giver and not a recipient. She deserves all the love there is and Tina is her soul mate but she doubts whether Tina sees her as a soul mate.

      So terribly sad that because of events in your youth and adults, you have such a negative self-image of yourself, but it is positive how she feels that she has so much love to give to the right person and friends.

      Tina and Bette have a lot to process and still have a long way to go, but in the end they will have a good and loving relationship where they understand each other and are there for each other and they have already started this.

      Amazing chapter!!!

      • Thank you for sharing your insight!

        It always struck me that Bette was seen to be someone who had no self-awareness, and couldn’t identify her emotions. I actually think Bette could easily identify how she was feeling given any situation, but was too fearful to speak them, and too overwhelmed by them to really sit in those emotions and fully experience them; which precluded her from being able to process properly.

        Thank you for reading! :-)

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