“I..I don’t  know.  I mean I know I love her as a friend but I don’t know if I am love with her . I mean this is all so new to me but I’m trying to figure things out because last night I felt things I hadn’t felt before so now I’m questioning my own sexuality.  I can’t deny I didn’t like how it made me feel”

Nathan sighs.  “Tina I love you.  I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you but if you aren’t sure about getting married and you are confused about your sexuality then we shouldn’t rush to get married”

“What are you saying Nathan?” I ask totally not expecting him to say that

He sighs and grabs my hand “I can see you are confused and I don’t want to lose you.  I already know what I have with you.  I mean we bought a house together and were prepared to spend our life together and I don’t want any doubts when we say I do.  So give me your ring”

“What?”  I say feeling like I’m going to fall apart and that my solid world as I knew it has just crumbled down around me.

“Give me your ring” he says again and I reluctantly pull the ring off my finger and place it in the palm of his outstretched hand.  Why doesn’t this bother me like it should

I see him place it in his shirt pocket and pat it

“As of now we are officially unengaged”

“But I don’t want that?”

Nathan chuckles.  This isn’t funny asshole

“Tina? You don’t know what you want.  So…You are going to figure it out…..”he says and pauses for second before speaking again “You know..There is a saying.  If you love something set it free…if it comes back to you it’s yours.  If it doesn’t it never was” he says and straightens himself.  He isn’t one to show his emotions a lot and I wish he would.  “So I’m setting you free” he finishes

“So you want me to choose between you and Bette?”

He stands up not letting go of my hand

“No…I want you to choose what will make you happy.  If that’s being with me, or with Bette, or with no one for that matter.  But I think it’s best if you stay elsewhere in the meantime”

Now I’m getting upset.  I jerk my hand away from him and stand up

“Why are you doing this? I didn’t ask for this.  I want to marry you!” I say with conviction but it’s not really sounding convincing..It falls on deaf ears

“Tina? The fact that you told me that you felt something with Bette last night just shows you really don’t know what you want.  Now you are free to figure it out”. And with that he walks back inside leaving me standing all alone and part of me knows he is right.  But I honestly don’t know if I can cross that line with Bette.  It’s too fucking scary.  I love her too much to lose her if it didn’t work out for us….but if it did work….it could possibly be the greatest love story of all time.

Why do I have to make things so hard for myself?

tbc