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To love, is to wait
“Amar es aguardarte
como si fueras parte del ocaso,
ni antes ni después, para que estemos solos
entre los juegos y los cuentos
sobre la tierra seca”.
— Salvador Novo
When she and Carrie reached their car, a thick silence enveloped them. It was only halfway to their house that Carrie spoke up.
”I think…we need to talk,” her fiancé’s posture was rigid. Her knuckles were white as she gripped the steering wheel.
Breathe in, breathe out.
”Yeah, we do,” Tina whispered. ”Let’s just…get to the house first, then we can sit down and talk”.
She realized as she spoke that she couldn’t bare to call that house her home. It wasn’t, and it could never be. Not when her home was built on brown eyes, boisterous laughs, dark skin, and massive personalities. Not when there weren’t walls or frames that could showcase the beauty in Bette Porter’s smile or the warmth in Angelica’s eyes. Not when the only bed she had ever slept well was in the warmth of her ex-wife’s arms. She’d only ever had one home, and it certainly wasn’t that house.
”I miss her,” she thought. ”When did I stop missing her? When did I start again?”
The rest of the drive was as quiet as it was tense. Fortunately, there was little traffic, so they only took a few more minutes to arrive and make their way into the living room. A few moments passed, and she watched as Carrie took a gulp of air before opening her mouth.
”Can you just… Can you just tell me what’s going on?” Her fiancé looked at her with eyes full of doubt and uncertainty. God, this was such a mess, such an incredibly complicated mess.
”Baby…” She grimaced. That word had always felt so wrong when directed at anyone other than Bette. Like it didn’t belong in her mouth. ”I just… I don’t know where to start”.
Tina felt terrible. Her heart was in her throat, full of words she couldn’t say, pressing against her windpipe. She could feel a thin layer of cold sweat forming all over her body. In a way, she knew she had always hated conflict. It was like she physically couldn’t handle it. Maybe that’s why it had always been so easy to just…run.
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What a great chapter!
Loved the way you described Tina’s thoughts and her struggles. Tina stop running away, go in therapy and search and understand why you always choose to run. You have hurt two people deeply with your choices and while i am not a fan of Carrie she didn’t deserved this.
Glad that Tina kind of had an realization that Bette is the one for her and nobody can replace her but is Bette willing to let her in again after Tina destroyed her heart and she is trying to move on?
Love your way of writing and look forward to the next chapter!
Hey Bibi! Thank you so much! I’m really glad that you liked the chapter! I’m not a fan of Carrie either, because I feel like she took a lot of her insecurities out on Bette, but yeah, no one deserves to feel second to anyone.
But also, like everyone said on both TLW and GenQ, Tibette is meant to be!
Thanks again for your nice comment!
Great chapter…. while this is not the Tina of The L Word, this is definitely the Tina of Gen Q. I am glad to see that Tina through this situation with Carrie is coming to the realization that she has culpability in the break up with Bette. She is or has come to the realization that a life with Carrie would not be satisfying for either of them. Carrie may not see it now, but with any in depth analysis, she will realize that a life with Tina would not be easy nor satisfying. Tina is doing the right thing to break things off now before things get even more complicated. I can see Carrie falling in love with Tina. Yet she has no idea who Tina is. Therefore she is in love with the idea of Tina or that which Tina has revealed during the course of their relationship. But the truth is Tina has failed to reveal her true feelings for Bette not only to Carrie, but to herself. No Carrie does not deserve this treatment, however I do not think that Tina intentionally set out to use Carrie or hurt Carrie in the process of trying to find out who she really is. As Forest Gump once said “Crap happens”. To me, Tina had to have a relationship with Carrie or someone like Carrie to realize exactly what her relationship with Bette really meant to her in her life. Relationships are messy and sometimes hurtful. I am sorry Carrie is hurt, but Tina is doing the right thing. Now let’s see if she can communicate this epiphany to Bette and together they can realize they need each other in their lives. This is not going to be easy or quick….
Thank you for this chapter… I look forward to future chapters….
Hey Martha! Thanks so much! And I agree, it’s not the Tina from TLW, but the one from Gen Q. The OG Tina was much…softer and calmer. I’d like to explore that at some point, but I think there’s a lot of healing to be done first. I don’t think Tina intentionally set out to use or hurt Carrie, either. In the end, sometimes we as humans can be blind to our own feelings, and it’s easier to get lost in someone else rather than face our fears.
I agree with everything you wrote, and I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts, it’s awesome! Thank you so much for leaving such an incredibly thoughtful comment and taking the time to share. I hope you continue to enjoy the story. Hopefully, the next chapter will be up by the end of this week or early next week.
Hi Sof. Thank you for this insight into Tina’s head. There are several things that I am not able to reconcile with Tina’s character whether OG Tina or GenQ Tina but the hardest thing is her disregard or supposed unawareness of how deeply her careless actions devastates the people she uses to fill her inner voids and inadequacies rather than facing her truths and working on being a better person, mother, lover and partner. She claims she wants autonomy. yet she jumps from one relationship to another and never takes the time to be alone and self-reflect. I wish that when she broke up with Carrie that she would go away and give Bette a break from her. Just like Bette took the year in GenQ to better herself to love Tina, I think it would do Tina well to learn how to love Bette better TOO. Why does she get to just come back every time with all her baggage and Bette is the one that has to be accommodating and hide parts of herself to be with Tina, and living in fear that if she missteps Tina is out the door again blaming Bette for taking up too much space or whatever excuse she uses to constantly leave her broken. Tina has so much power over Bette and she uses it to control her emotions and to make Bette feel like she is the one with all the problems in the relationship that can’t make it work. In your story when Carrie was gripping her and leaving a bruise Tina needed to stand up for herself. Why did she think it would be Bette’s responsibility to protect her? She chose this woman to be with. She went so far as agreeing to marry her. Carrie moved her entire live to Los Angeles for Tina and one-day spent with Bette everything they built together falls apart? I look forward to where you go with this version of their story, and I appreciate that you are including Angie. She is the one that really suffers and just based on how Angie was portrayed in GenQ they obviously haven’t done too great a job at parenting her or modeling a healthy sense of self. I feel for Carrie and anyone else that gets involved with Tina because she truly doesn’t give her heart so when she walks away there is no heartbreak, Sorry I’m rambling, but Tina frustrates me to no end whenever she is with someone else, hurting Bette to no end, and then just breaks up with them because she wants Bette back.
Hi Bat! No, please ramble on!
Thank you so much for your comment. I agree with a lot of what you said. I think that Tina is very lost and has a lot of anger. For me, in a way, although I love them together so so very much, their relationship tends to verge on the unhealthy. They both need time to heal and to grow, and in this story, Tina especially needs to do it. I hope I don’t frustrate you too much with how the story goes; I swear I don’t plan on letting Tina off the hook so easily.
Thanks so so much for taking the time to comment and share your thoughts. I appreciate it a lot :)