LesFan – Social Networking for Fans of Lesbian Shows › Forums › LesFan – Site Forum › Have you dated someone much older?
November 6, 2016 at 5:24 am #93919
Soo…. I have a question for you.
Have you ever gone out with someone much older?
I met this woman while on a business trip — I was having breakfast up in the executive lounge of the hotel I was staying in, which overlooks the scenic river that splits the city I was visiting. It was around 6:30 am, and very few people were up in the lounge. Nice, early morning quiet, sun was just rising: I was sipping on my cappuccino, reviewing some emails and files etc., on my tablet, and then, for some reason, I could sense someone looking at me. So i raised my head to look around; and I saw her.
Really quite beautiful, great suit on, nice eyes, and warm, attractive smile. She asked if she could share the table with me, since it had the best view of the river/city scene. Without hesitation , I answered, ”of course!” Did not occur to me that there were plenty of empty tables and sitting areas available. (But it was true, my table had a great view.)
Anyway, we fell to talking, and we got on so well that I almost missed the car that had been sent over to the hotel to get me, arrived late for the meeting, etc.
We ran into each other in the hotel lobby later in the evening, and had dinner together (she was also a guest in the hotel). Next day, saw each other at breakfast once more, so shared the table again (our table, she said!). Unfortunately, I had a business dinner that day, and then she flew off to the next city in her itinerary early the next morning, so we didn’t see each other again.
Breakfast was certainly different the next morning, without her.
Anyway, she lives in New York half the year, and could be around later this month. We emailed each other recently. She let on that the rest of her business trip wasn’t half as interesting as the few days she and I had been in the same city, in the same hotel. She didn’t say it, but she kinda hinted that she enjoyed meeting me, and seemed to want to reconnect.
Ok — different age groups, and there are other differences. But, she was really, really interesting … and looked amazing.
Haven’t responded, and I want to be friends, at least, while I figure out what’s up. Have you been in this situation before?
November 6, 2016 at 8:54 am #93920
OOOH juicy stuff! I LOVE IT!
First, my wife is 12 years older than I am.
A significant “ex” of many years ago was 11 1/2 years older. I’ve always been attracted to older women – they’re more likely to be emotionally stable, financially secure, smarter/wiser… I could go on :-)
There are two very high profile lesbian couples these days with 30 year differences:
Edie Windsor and her new wife.
Holland Taylor and Sarah Paulson.
Go for it. WRITE HER BACK… not make her wait!
November 7, 2016 at 9:56 am #93924
Someone should start a forum about “How to make a relationship last”. I’m really curious about how, despite massive differences, like age or anything else, two women, two people, as complicated as you and I know we women can be, can make things work anyway.
Ben Mac (see below) and you — how do you do that? HOW??!! Year in, year out. Staying together. Do you steadily become a lot alike? Do you take time outs, from time to time?
(btw, yes, emailing her back. Striving for that “casual tone,” you know the one. She can probably read right through it, though, lol.)
November 10, 2016 at 10:11 pm #93933
There is no magic secret to staying together for a long time. It’s really a matter of will and a good portion of compromise. The passionate sex and romantic affairs we read about in fan fiction and watch in movies and television shows are fiction. They might exist temporarily as you’re getting to know a woman, but they don’t last. If you want hot sex a lot, then don’t settle down to a monogamous relationship. If you want consistency and someone you can trust to have your back no matter what, then choose someone who shares the same values and ethics as you, someone with similar interests, someone who makes you laugh, but most important, someone who is kind and respectful.
So yes, we are alike in respect to our values and ethics and some interests although she doesn’t read for pleasure and likes sports, which I find boring. It may come as a surprise to you that she hasn’t read any of my fan fiction nor my new novel. But she lets me write, gives me space, and spends time with her sporty friends. She also loves to travel. Traveling scares the shit out of me. So she takes vacations without me sometimes, and I get to stay at home with the dogs and read and write and think. At other times, I force myself to travel with her. See…compromise.
I suppose the biggest change I had to make was to commit to being monogamous. That was a huge compromise on my part and one that I resented at first. I don’t believe it is natural or even beneficial really, but like Pearlie above, I’ve had my time with lots of women and my fill of one-night stands and short term relationships. I’ve been heartbroken more times than I can count, but I’ve always gotten back up. Yet at my age, I’m too tired to keep starting over, to keep throwing out keepsakes and reminders of failed relationships. So you see, it’s easy for me to make this work. Plus menopause dampens the libido and makes it much easier not to obsess about women sexually. Yes, lesbian bed death is real. Power and respect to those of you who manage to avoid it! Loving someone isn’t the same as being in love. Loving someone lasts, being in love means there will come a time when you’re not in love after the sex and romance lose their newness.
I hope no matter what happens with this woman that you find some joy with her for as long as you can whether as lover or friend or both!
November 10, 2016 at 4:23 am #93931
Oh yes. Now I am old. But a million years ago, when I was young — in ancient times, long before The L Word, before Ms Magazine, before Off Our Backs, before The Joy of Lesbian Sex, before sex toys were sold as sex toys, back when lesbian lit consisted only of Radclyff Hall and Beebo Brinker — I knew I wanted to do something with other women but exactly what I was supposed to do with them was sort of a mystery. A couple of fumbling encounters with other teenagers as ignorant as I was involved something akin to dry humping and mutual masturbation which didn’t quite satisfy. And then at some off-campus tea room too artsy for boys to bother with I was chatted up by a woman easily 50% older than my age (i.e. she was about 29). I went home with her.
Oh what a learning experience! I made a point of dating her again and again, something that we both had to do very discreetly (this was the late 1960s). Besides her substantial personal attractions, every night with her was a graduate course in lesbian lovemaking. We had a hot and heavy relationship for more than six months, and when we parted I comforted myself with the thought that I had acquired a set of skills that made me a valuable partner to other babydykes in my age bracket. I passed along what I had learned in very memorable tutoring sessions. I also continued to date older women as I found them intelligent, articulate, educated, cultivated, a source of experiential wisdom and sometimes useful connections, and very often new sexual skills.
Believe me, some things you can’t learn from books. As the years passed, I became the older woman to some babydykes and I did my best to live up to the standards I had once looked for, and to pass along whatever I had learned to the rising generation. Now I am old beyond that level and I am not even attractive to someone older than me, but I have a treasury of memories to keep me warm.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Pearlie.
November 10, 2016 at 10:14 pm #93934
Ahh Pearlie! You always make me smile with your wisdom and wit! Those lucky babydykes who got the chance to learn from your hands! HAHA…pun intended! And I agree, those memories do keep us warm and sustain us through our days. BTW, I think I still have a copy of The Joy of Lesbian Sex still wrapped in brown paper stashed somewhere in a box in my garage from back in the day!
November 6, 2016 at 8:49 pm #93923
Okay, I tried to respond on my Ipad and I lost it. So here it goes again: Yes, I have dated women much older than I, quite a few actually. The biggest range in ages was when I was 28-29 and she was 65. It was an enjoyable relationship, great sex, lots of good times, and I don’t regret a moment of it. Still, a lot of it I think has to do with personality, too, but I can tell you in every case, neither of us was looking for a long term relationship, just sex and fun and enjoyment.
But like Jacky points out, sometimes older women are more established in their finances and careers as well as being more mature, which is great especially if you DO want to have a long term relationship.
I never dated younger women for the most part, but interestingly, my partner of 17 years is 6 years younger than I am, yet all our friends agree she act way more mature. So again, I think it comes down to personality.
I say you should GO FOR IT! Even if nothing romantic or intimate evolves, you might find a good friend. All of my dearest friends are women (of all ages), and I think their friendship is as important for my life as my committed relationship is with my partner.
I wish you luck and courage!
November 11, 2016 at 12:01 pm #93936
feeling trepidation about all the naughty things I’ll most likely experience for the first time if she’s anything like you Pearlie! (you know I’m kidding, right?)
The being nervous part is true, though, and it may be because she’s out of my league — all that experience, the knowing way she has about her– plus the likelihood that I’m not the first younger ‘un she’s been interested in.
I’m a take-it-slow girl when/if it looks like there could be more. What happens if that’s not be her preferred pace? She’s the type who has a ton of options. I can’t see her wanting to take-it-slow, and allow things to unfold. (Or would she?)
Whatever happens, if our paces don’t match, someone advised me to lay my cards on the table. I still believe in magic, romance (heart, BenMac, we’re still copacetic, right?). Even if I’ve had my heart broken several times before; for better or worse, I can’t help that love remains my North Star.
So I’m thinking there are a million reasons not to do this; but there is one reason to try anyway.
Like you all seem to be saying, there’s that possibility of love.
(if I crash and burn in this, I’m writing you all into a story to help me process things :-)
November 13, 2016 at 8:11 pm #93944
Not kidding, Skydancer. You’re supposed to learn “naughty things” from your inamoratae. My first few lesbian rolls in the sack were with girls as ignorant as myself with the result that we mostly did imitations of our masturbation or our necking with boys. Back then, in the 1960s, it was entirely possible that teenage boys had a more substantial knowledge of the geography of our ladyparts than most teenage girls did. Nowadays, with the internet, that sort of ignorance can be remedied (and replaced, perhaps, with some outright misinformation, judging from some of the very phony “lesbian porn” that can be seen).
Anyway, back then, finding older (slightly older, say ten years) lesbians was like an encyclopedia education for me. In the space of a very few hours I learned all sorts of stuff.
Maybe it doesn’t seem so necessary now, with the rainbow flag and all, but in every generation there are these frightened little girls whimpering in their bedrooms, thinking that they are all alone in the whole world, the only girl in the world with “these feelings”, and that terrible things await them. Someone who knows the ropes — well, not the ropes, but the oils, the lubes, the vibrators, the toys — can make all the difference to her.
November 14, 2016 at 3:30 pm #93945
I’m fascinated to read you all, you have no idea.
go for it, trust me you never know when or where you will find the love of your life, i sure didnt.
November 14, 2016 at 10:18 pm #93947
When I spoke of dating older women, I hadn’t been thinking of finding true love.
True love does not depend so much on looking for certain physical criteria, such as youth or age.
When I spoke of this topic, I was thinking of “my salad days, when I was green” – and how I got myself a thorough lesbian education. And yes there were feelings of gratitude and intense affection and attachment, but these were the very early days of lesbian romance for me and, as you may know, such early romances are meteoric – they burn brightly but briefly.
November 20, 2016 at 12:32 am #93957
November 25, 2016 at 11:58 pm #93971
I am confused. Does LBD reference mean “Little Black Dress” or “Lewy Body Dementia”. I’m too old for one and am about the age for the other.
November 30, 2016 at 1:12 am #94001
Silly me. I forget about LBD= Lesbian Bed Death.
Which I should have remembered quite well.
My point, if I ever had one, was that things have changed for sexual minority women over the last half century or so. This fact seems obvious, but the way it has changed is not always fully appreciated (it wasn’t all for the better).
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