The space between you and I

Always pushing us apart

Nothing left but scar fight after fight

The space between our calm and rage

Is disappearing slowly day after day

I was sitting there waiting in my room for you

You were waiting for me to

And it makes me wonder…

I feel like I’m sitting on the sidelines watching everything play out.  As I walked down the sidewalks I could feel the cold air moving across my skin.  In a weird sense it felt real, and it made me feel somewhat alive.  I don’t know how long I was walking before I could see someone pulling up besides me, their headlights shining in my eyes.  It was Ashley in her porche.

It’s not fair that she gets to hurt me and put the pieces back together. 

“Get in the car,” she demanded.

“I need to clear my head.”

“By walking ten miles?”

“Did you have fun talking to Aiden?” I asked switching the topic.

“Spence it’s not like that,” in her voice it sounded almost as if she was pleading with me to understand.  The worst part about it was I did.

“Like what Ash?”

“I just can’t be with you Spence.  It’s not that easy.”

“I know,” I whispered hoping that if I said it soft enough it wouldn’t be true.  “I know.”

“I never meant to hurt you.  I do love you.  She just had to say it. 

“Will you just give me a ride home?” I asked just wanting to get the hell out of this conversation because it was going absolutely nowhere. 

The older I get

Will I get over it

Its been way too long for the times we missed

I didn’t know that it would hurt like this

But I think the older I get

Will I get over it

Its ben way too long for the times we missed

I can’t believe it still hurts like this

The entire ride home consisted of empty silences, and by the time we pulled up to my house I practically had to clamp my hand over my mouth before I said something stupid.

“Bye,” I opened the door.

“Spence,” Ashley pleaded grabbing me before I could leave.  “Promise me you wont hurt yourself.”

“I think I’ve been hurt enough for one night Ash,” I said ripping my arm out of her hand.  I could see it in her eyes that this hurt her more than I meant it too.  But what did she expect.  She’s trying to save the unsavable.  As I walked to my house I could hear her sobbing into her wheel.  I went inside…

The time between those cutting words

Built up our defenses

Never made no sense it just made me hurt

Do you believe that time heals our wouds

It started getting better

But it’s easy not to fight when I’m not with you

Ashley completely ignored me the next couple of days.  She of course acted like it never happened, and Aiden was oblivious as usual. I was right back to square one, but then why does it hurt more than before?  It didn’t take long until I fell back into my usual routine.

The blade felt cool in my hand contrasting with my heated flesh.  With every tear falling from my blue eyes it sunk deeper.  Gaining momentum from every tortured memory, everytime I’ve been let down, for being so pathetic and worthless.  Beads of blood were appearing slowly sliding down my ahdn and onto the sink.  I cried.  I cried, but I felt better than before.  I felt relieved, but I knew this feeling was only temporary.  I prayed for a release that I felt would never come. Maybe one day I’ll make it permenant.

What was I waiting for

I should have taken less and given you more

I should’ve weathered the storm

I need to say so bad

What were you waiting for

This could have been the best we’ve ever had

            I’m just getting older

            I’m not getting over you

            I’m trying to

            I wish it didn’t hurt like this

            It’s been way too long for the times we missed

            I can’t believe it still hurts like this