Goodbye part 2  Spencers view

It was seven days, seven days since they announced over the intercom that Ashley Davies was found dead. It had been ten days, ten days since she died. She was dead for three days before anyone fucking even found her. It was ruled a suicide.  But I already knew that.  They say she put a bullet through her heart. It didn’t take much thinking to know why. She put a bullet through her heart because of me.

I knew I screwed up really bad this time. Every time I closed my eyes I would see her face. I should have never said what I did. I should have just told her the truth. But I was too damn worried about jeopardizing my reputation. In the end, though, I jeopardized a lot more. I might as well as pulled the trigger, cause I killed her.

I keep replaying it over and over again in my mind. I could feel her pain. She trusted me. I just let her down. The day when it all came out I told her I never wanted to see her again. But I didn’t mean it. She shouldn’t have believed me. Why did she have to believe me? It’s like a recurring nightmare, but I never wake up in a cold sweat with blankets wrapped around my trembling figure. This nightmare never ends. It haunts my every waking moment. My best friend, the one person I’ve been in love with for the last five years, Ashley, she, she was dead.

The night after her funeral I went home in a trance and climbed up onto the roof. Ashley and I used to sneak up here at night and just talk for hours. I smiled at the thought. But it immediately vanished when I remembered, it was just a memory…

I never meant to hurt her, I thought I was just doing the right thing. But I was just saving my own ass. Never being the strong one, I didn’t want to deal with being gay. The funny thing is, now that she’s gone I have no problem telling people I was in love with her. I am still in love with her.  I’ll be in love with her till the day I die.

My father told me to just breath. I’ll get through this. But I never bought in. So each day I put on a facade. Covering the circles under my eyes with make up, I let the charade begin. It was real to everyone, everyone but me. I let everyone think I was ok, but it was the only way to get them to leave me alone. I had to shut them out in order to do what needed to be done. I needed to shut them out in order to be with her. Her life was cut off short because of me. I didn’t deserve the time I have left anymore…

Five days after her funeral, I went home and found my fathers gun. She gave me her heart. I wanted to give her mine. Pressing the barrel against my chest, I felt the cool metal through my shirt. I don’t even know what I was feeling deep down.

"I love you Ash," I whispered intot the dark. 

The gun shook in my grip.  But I knew in a moment I would be with Ashley again. In a moment things would be set right. And in a moment it was over…