“Ashley, don’t say that. This is just as much my fault. I just don’t know how to stop being with you. I don’t know what it is, but the thought of not having you as more than a friend is torture to me. Do I wish that I’m not hurting Kyla and Aiden, of course, but I don’t want to hurt myself my giving you up.” These words seemed to give her hope. I know she’s about to ask the question, but she seems to loose her nerve.

“So…what did you and Kyla talk about?” she asks, apparently her curiosity gets the best of her. I filled her in on my conversation with Kyla, and I noticed how sad she became when I mention that I’m still going to prom with Kyla. I grab her hand and assure her that we’re going as just friends, and that I’d save a dance for her. That seemed to brighten her up a bit. She finally got to ask the question that she’d been wanting to ask ever since I got into the car.

“I know that this past couple days have been hectic, and that a lot of emotions have been packed into them, and maybe this isn’t the best time to ask, but who do you love, Spencer, please tell me. Are you still in love with my sister, or do you love me?” We’ve managed to keep eye contact throughout our entire conversation, but at this point I look away. I don’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes.

“I don’t have an answer for that right now,” I say in a quiet voice. “You mean a lot to me Ashley, and I really care about you, but I’m not quite sure what I feel,” I tell her, and I know this was definitely not the answer she was looking for. I chance a look at her, and she’s looking down at the steering wheel, trying not to cry. She’s bared her heart to me, and she’s hurt that I can’t do the same, that I can’t tell her I love her. But at this point, I really don’t know. She looks out towards the ocean, suppressing all her emotions. This isn’t new to her, having to pretend as though this doesn’t affect her. But I know it does, I know she’ll be thinking about this for a long time. Until I can finally honestly and truthfully say who I love.

She looks at me, gives me a weak smile, and then starts her car, and we head back to my house. She pulls up to my house, and is looking at me, and I know she’s wondering if she should just say bye, or if she should hug me, or what. I don’t know if I’m making a bad move, but I lean in and kiss her. I need some sort of physical contact with her. She deepens the kiss, and I moan as her tongue enters my mouth. After a little while, we both pull away, and I say goodnight, and kiss her on the cheek. I hope she knows that it’s not only her body I’m interested in. Today has been an emotionally draining day, and I’m not sure if it’s helped to lessen the confusion.