“Ashley, wake up.” I heard as I felt a hand gently shaking my shoulder.  Sleepily opening my eyes, I noticed that I was lying on the Carlin’s couch and that Mr. Carlin was the one above shaking me awake. 

“Ugh, not that you aren’t wonderful to wake up to Mr. C, but what’s going on?  Where’s Spencer?” I groggily asked.  Looking at my phone I noticed that it was 3:30 in the morning, we had just come back from Grey a few hours ago.  Why was Spencer’s dad waking me up in the middle of the night?  Better question, why was I sleeping on their couch? 

“I know its early Ashley but I have something very important I need to tell you,” Mr. Carlin said with eyes full of sadness. 

“What happened? Where’s Spencer?” I asked again. 

“Don’t worry, Spencer is in the kitchen with Paula, she is okay.  This isn’t about her.  Ashley there has been an accident.  Your mother was out with some man and the car they were riding in lost control and crossed into oncoming traffic…  Ashley, there were no survivors…”

“What, no, that’s not true, my mom is at home.  She’s fine, everything is fine.  It has to be okay.” Tears began to stream down my face, I turned and noticed Spencer standing in the doorway, her face was full of pity and I could tell that she had been crying.  I could tell that she didn’t know what to do, if she should come in, or leave me alone.

Finally she must have made up her mind.  Slowly she began to walk into the room, “Ash…” she sat down on the couch beside me, not saying anything else, I just looked at her.  She reached over to give me a hug and I gave in to her embrace.  She then slowly pulled away and reached up to touch my tear streaked face.  Just as her hand touched my chin something inside me snapped and I knew that I couldn’t be in this house, not here with this complete family, not right now.  Not when my world was crashing beneath me.

“Spencer stop, I can’t be here right now,” I whispered, standing up. “I have to go; I have to get out of here.

“What, where are you going? Ash, stay here for the night, it’s late.  Please, Ashley don’t shut me out, please tell me what is going on in you head.  Ashley please don’t leave!”

Spencer sobbing is all I heard as I shut the door behind me.  I looked around and saw my car parked out on the street. I began driving with no real intention of where I wanted to end up.  Tears were steadily coming now.  I pulled into the parking lot at the beach.  Watching the sunrise seemed surreal with all of the information that was swimming in my head.  I suddenly remembered a present that an old fling had left for me.  I frantically began searching through my glove compartment.  A map, napkins, and old cigarette boxes came flying out and finally in the back tucked in the corner what I was seeking.  I pulled the plastic bag out and looked longingly at the blue pills inside.  Baby, I can’t remember your name, but right now I love you.  I thought as I opened the baggie and dumped a couple pills into my hand.  Popping the small blue diamonds into my mouth and taking a swig of the flat Pepsi that was left in my car from earlier that day, I knew in a few moments everything would seem alright in Ashley world again.