I still remember hearing the news, but it didn’t seem to register right away. Instead, it’s been setting in almost as if in slow motion. It hurts just as much that I can feel the tears try to force themselves out of me. This felt so much different than any other pain I’d ever had to deal with, because no matter how much it had hurt, I always had a chance to fix it. But I would never get a chance to take back the things I had said. I’d never get to tell him I love him, and that I’m sorry it happened this way. I’m sorry I didn’t except his apologies, or that I was too stubborn to come home sooner. I’m sorry I stayed mad at him so long. I’m sorry; I’m so sorry.

Now I was stuck living with the regrets, knowing I’d never get to spend another moment with him. He was gone for good.

I didn’t know how to explain it to Ashley, or how she would take it. I’ve never been one to complain much, or let someone see how much they can actually hurt me with their stupid ignorant comments. But this time it was different. I could stay angry at the assholes, but it was too hard to stay mad at him. And if there’s no anger left, then the only emotion left is pain. I didn’t know how to deal with that. So instead of opening up to the loving girl who tried so hard to be there for me, I kept it to myself, locking it away deep inside of me where not even light could find.

Every time I attempted to say something, my mouth kept trying to force out words I didn’t want to say. It was a defense mechanism that was eating me alive. My entire life I’ve been told I’m the most stubborn person people have ever known. I knew I was, but I couldn’t help it. I still couldn’t help it.

“Where do you want to sit?” Aiden asked me as we reached the picnic.