Guilty Conscience

Guilt. What an emotion. It brings out the worst in people. It makes you do things you A. know you have to do but really don’t want to, or B. don’t want to do, don’t have to do, but do anyways because you feel so damn bad. Guilt is seriously my least favorite emotion. It led me to make the single biggest mistake of my life. And I regret it…every. Single. Day.

I don’t know why I even felt guilty in the first place. Honestly, it makes no sense to me. It’s like, one day everything is amazing and perfect and then the next…it’s not. The knowledge I have now only makes me wish I could go back in time and redo that day. Redo it and make everything all better. 20/20 hindsight is a bitch. Like karma.

I guess that’s what I’m getting right? A full on karma smack down. It’s what I deserve though. I single handedly wrecked…what? 4? No, no…5 relationships! All because of guilt. Fuck.

No, you know what? This is SO not my fault. This is all his fault. If he had just done what normal guys do and gotten over everything then we wouldn’t be in this situation. I wouldn’t have felt guilty over what happened, we never would’ve ended up out in front of the school, and then none of us would’ve been in the way of those damn bullets.

Yeah, sure he got shot. Sure there was blood everywhere. Sure he was unconscious. And yeah, sure…I panicked. Who wouldn’t when their closest friend gets shot right in front of them right? But the mistake I made…was mistaking guilt, for love. God how stupid am I?

So here I am…a month later…stuck. Stuck without the greatest person I’ve ever met, the sister I barely gave a chance, and stuck with the boy I don’t love more than a brother. I didn’t realize that it was only guilt that made me get back together with him until a week ago. So since then I’ve been distancing myself. Getting away from him. His ‘I love you’s’. His overall clinginess. And trying to get back what I lost.

I know Kyla’s super pissed at me and I can’t blame her. I know she cared for Aiden. Hell, she’s still hooked on the boy. I may not talk to her…but it’s obvious. They were good together. Oh who am I kidding…they were great together! So much better than he and I. I think deep down he has feelings for her too. He’s just too diluted in his ‘love’ for me to see it. They’re gonna get back together. I’ll see to that. But not before I get my life back in order. And that starts with getting rid of the dead weight that is Aiden and getting back Spencer.

I see her at school…she looks terrible. She tries to put on a brave front. The old Ashley Davies “Go ahead, talk shit…I don’t care” front. I taught her that too well. But since I know her so well…I’ve seen it falter. On numerous occasions. Especially when she spots Aiden hanging all over me. Ugh. Idiot. She’s lost weight too. A bit too much. She’s sick. And it’s all my fault. Her ocean blue eye eyes don’t shine anymore. They’re pale, lacking any emotion except sadness, and she’s got more bags under them than a grocery store. Once again, my fault. Her head always used to be up, a smile always on her face, but now it’s down. Nothing but a frown on those beautiful lips. And there’s that pang of guilt again. But this time it’s because I made a tiny mistake…no. It’s because I made a HUGE mistake. A mistake that hurt everyone I care about in the process.

It’s going to change. I’m going to get her back and life is going to be back to the way it should be.

Now where’s that phone? I have a phone call to make to a certain clingy boy. Maybe he deserves better than an over-the-phone break up…but ya know what? I’ve already given up enough. I’m doing this the quick way. Call. Say it. Hang up. End of story.

I’m not gonna feel anymore guilt. It’s not gonna plague me anymore. I’m over it. I’m going to make my wrongs right.

Starting now.

Riiiing…Riii…

“Hey baby. I miss you. Where’ve you been lately?”

“Aiden…we need to talk…”