I Break

It’s been a month since it all happened. A month since she broke my heart. No, more like shattered it into a million tiny pieces. Pieces so small that I doubt anyone could ever fix it. Not with all the super glue, duct tape, band aids, and bubble gum in the world.

When I told her to choose, I honestly didn’t think she would choose him. So I blame myself for losing her. Even though I know it’s not my fault. Not entirely anyway. Mostly it’s hers and Aiden’s. Ugh, I can’t even say his name without feeling like I’m going to throw up.

After we arrived at the hospital that night, both covered in his blood, she hardly said a word to me. I didn’t say anything to her either, what good would it do? After about an hour of waiting she actually spoke. It hurt so bad; I already knew what she was going to say. It was written on her face.

“Spencer, I-”

“Don’t Ashley…just…don’t.”

“I’m sorry…”

She tried to touch me, put her hand on my shoulder, as if that would make me feel any better about the decision. I recoiled. Got up, walked a few feet before I just collapsed into a heartbroken heap. I cried my eyes out. I rocked back and forth wishing it was all a nightmare and I would just wake up. But I didn’t. I couldn’t, because it was real. Everything that happened, everything that was said, everything she did, was real. And my world came crashing down around me.

She watched me cry. She didn’t do anything to make me feel better…as if she could. There was nothing she could do at that moment to make it better. Just the sight of her made me sick.

She’s tried to talk to me. But I just ignore her. Every time she says my name though, my broken heart gets stepped on even more. It breaks even more.

I want to move on. I know I have to. I’ve lost her for good. But she won’t let me. I wish she’d just tell me everything I need to hear so I can, but she won’t. It’s like she doesn’t want me to move on. But again, I know I have to. She proved to me that everything she told me; all the crap about not wanting to hurt me, about how she loved me, everything; was a lie.

Every day I have to see her at school, with Aiden trailing behind like a little lap dog, it kills me. It kills me because I know I was exactly like him; a love sick puppy, a puppet that she controls, a doll. I was just a toy to her. She played me like Sega. The worst part is, I let her. I was too blind to see it, but I let her string me along. Let her fill my head with false promises, false emotions, false everything.

I’ve stopped eating. I won’t admit it to anyone; sometimes I won’t even admit it to myself. I just come up with a good enough lie to make everyone, including me believe it. I know they’re not convinced though. I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight. My clothes are baggy on me, which is quite a feat because before this happened I was a size 4. I see the concern in their eyes. I know they want to help, but they know and I know there’s nothing they can do.

It would be a lie to say that I don’t have feelings for her anymore, that I don’t still love her with all of my heart. I can’t help it. It’s like that bastard said…you can’t just cut off who you love. Though sometimes I wish I could. It would make it all so much easier. But then again, losing the love of your life is never an easy task. It’s not meant to be. Life in general isn’t meant to be easy.

I’m a shell of my former self. A hollow form missing the soul that used to inhabit me. That soul left me the day that my world came crashing down around me.

If I go on I can learn to not live as your doll. I break. Every time you say my name.

You’re the pleasure with the pain that I sustain.

And I say, you’re never gonna have your way, but you’re taking my sane.

I break.

The day Ashley Davies left me broken.