“When you develop an infatuation for someone, you always find a reason to believe this is exactly the person for you. It doesn’t need to be a good reason; taking photographs of the night sky for example. Now in the long run, that’s just the kind of dumb irritating habit that will that will cause you to split up. But in the haze of infatuation, it’s just what you’ve been searching for all these years.” – Leonardo DiCaprio in the Beach.

That’s my disclaimer. The reason why I still don’t know why I’m writing the words I continue to write, that ring more true to me than I could ever imagine. I messed up. Like a lot. I thought I was okay but I never was. I was drunk…all of the time. And I never saw anything wrong with it. I’m 21, very soon to be 22, I thought it was normal to be this way. This drunk; I mean, I’m a college student.

             The first time I thought I might have a drinking problem? Fuck, I don’t know. All these alcoholics on TV or something, they seem to know when they hit rock bottom. And they have the melodramatic story about how they only heard stories the next day; they were too drunk to remember; and slowly memories start to come back to them and they feel ashamed. I don’t have that. I know I hit rock bottom, and at some point, it crossed my mind that I might have a drinking problem, but I couldn’t tell you when or where. But after it happened the first time, it happened a lot after that. I began to fear, that it was how I was meant to be. My Dad was a drunk. So were his parents.  Self-fulfilling prophecy I guess. They already thought I had a drinking problem, why disappoint them now? So I continued to drink. Too often, too much.

             But I wasn’t an alcoholic. I’m still not today. You could say I’m in denial. But the truth is, look back so long ago, they all drank this much. The bests and the bums. The greats and the grime. But no one heard about it. If cars were never invented we wouldn’t have this problem. People worry people will hurt themselves now, since there are so many more dangers. Back then we were just fools. But at least we were fools who had the support and trust of our friends, even when we’d had too much of the great juice.

             Maybe I’m wrong? Are you willing to take that chance?