Part 3

The escape

Since two years I dream every night of you, I see her smiling face in front of me, the face, I have touched and kissed so often, the face from my angel, but then her smile and her lovely view out of her eyes disappears, instead there is anger an rage in her face. She looks at me with a icy view and she says with cold voice: “I hate you!” That is the moment, in which I weak up every night and in only think about the words “I hate you!”

“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”

God, would this nightmare never end? I have left her nevertheless, so I can never do pain to her, I have given her the possibility, to lead a new lucky life. I have done everything to protect her from me in the future. Why didn't it release me? The dept… which punishment could I also impose myself, to finally bring this dept feelings in the silence…

How every night I stand up and went to the bathroom. I let cold water run all over my hands, before I applauded it in my face. The coolness of the water promised seconds of assuagement. I bent myself easily, support me with both hands at the wash basin and let the water of my face drop off in the wash basin. I always use this instant, to find the courage in the mirror- to look in these empty eyes.

I see my face and don’t know who it belongs to. In former times an enthusiastic spark gleamed in my eyes, nothing was impossible, everything was reachable. A human being powered by passion can gain everything. That was my credo. But now, not even one single spark of passion or enthusiasm is leftover, only the pure emptiness. The loneliness of the monotony is chasing my soul more and more.

However, the monotone rhythm of everyday life is the only thing that keeps me functioning. Getting up, reading the paper, having a little breakfast, getting on my way to the gallery, making coffee, letting the first visitors in, having some customer pitches, making lunch hour in the park, having another few conversations with some artists, closing the gallery, going home, having a little dinner, If I don’t forget, watching a movie or reading a book, going to bed……