Part 7

The escape

She seemed to me so unreal, as far as away, as if she dealt nothing with my life. Therefore, it was also the ideal sanctuary. The ideal break of the reality in which I have lost myself on and on. The reality I myself had created. The reality in I had my ostensible control which ate up me, however, in reality bit by bit.

I did not want this whole responsibility any more, the load crushed me, however, I could not stand like a loser how I would have before all are able to do to give that I had not grown to the responsibility any more. The fact that I also wanted to break up sometimes that I would have screamed best also sometimes “Help to me!” So much I also wished this I would never have added it before my family and friends. Since the light I had created, had become too powerful, had itself become already independent, the illusion had become real to that to be able to expose her still as a hallucination.

Candace was strange, she dealt nothing with my life, I had to prove to her nothing, with her I had to fulfil no expectations, and I could drop myself. At the moment in she said to me: „ You can not always have the control. “if I have lost myself and have found again at the same time. Lost because I had given up at this moment everything in which I had believed. Found again because I could let go, finally, finally, this weight could put away and could be just I myself. It is to be dropped so much easier to themselves with strangers if one knows that no expectations are disappointed. One connects the stranger not with own future, it is only the moment him counts, no consequences, no obligations, no expectations only one small breather of the everyday life. I had never felt even the least for Candace, I can hardly remember her face, it was only means for the purpose of. A piece of meat which promised brief relief. And I had used God how much this relief.

However, at last I had turned myself a cord only again. I have paid the price of the excruciating feelings of guilt for a few minutes of relief. How I could look Tina ever again in the eyes. And almost even more badly how I could ever look to me again even in the eyes. How I could ever look again in the mirror without seeing, besides, the face of a betrayer, the face of a failure.

Now the answer is not at all. Every day to which I look in the mirror I see these betrayers, this failure. Even one day maybe Tina to me would have pull, however what belongs really is that I will never forgive myself. I have by my weakness, my marriage and everything to what I have thought betrayed. Everybody makes mistake, but some mistakes are not simply to be made up. Some actions create simply final damages. Hence, I also had to pull the consequences from mine unfaithfully and go. I would have reminded Tina, with my presence, every day of the events. No, she earns to be happy. I could not have given her this happiness any more. I have pain in her eyes every time she me considered seen. My sight is connected for all time inseparably with my betrayal, so I had to release her from my sight.