Part 8

The escape…in the mirror

When has it started to end?

Everything was not natural perfectly in our relationship. There were days in which I thought, it does not go on any more. It tears the days in which I thought if I do not break out now if I do not do something now to us. And I have done so often nothing, have said so often nothing, so often I swallowed the tears, renounces so often at night secretly in the cushion wept, so often …

I have seen how much trouble you have presented yourself, besides to live your dream. The claim which you had to yourself was so great and your destinations so far, so far that you have lost yourself in the borders yours itself. Yes, you wanted to provide for me and in addition you required the job, you wanted to protect me and for it you had to be strong and you wanted our family. I would have helped you so often so with pleasure, but you lived in your own world. You only wanted to master everything and have closed the door before me. Yes if it was about us, around the relationship, around our plans, then you have talked with me, but you kept all other for yourself. You had planned your destinations so perfectly that it allowed no doubt that you would do everything for it. To risk everything, even our relationship. When have I lost you, Bette, and when you have disappeared? You have knitted a big spider net round yourself, have caught everything in it and if it was necessary, have also refused. You sat in the middle and had everything under control and while you guarded your "empire", you have not noticed at all how your own net lay down more and more and more like a loop round your neck and began as well as me to lose me in it.

I have been quiet so often and I ask myself, why? I wanted to keep away everything from you what loaded me, because it would also have loaded you. I did not want to say to you that the role which you have intended for me was not mine, I did not want this role and, nevertheless, I have played it. Of course how you could also have known that the part which you have chosen for me to me did not lie thus at all. I looked at home always after everything and, besides I sat so often, after I had cleaned the flat, food had prepared, make purchases was, had got your things from the cleaning and had thought through my weekly planning more than once, on the couch in the sitting room and would have been so with pleasure now in an office, would have co-operated with people and would have created something of which I would have been persuaded. And when you came in the evening home, completely exhausted from your job, with all problems, which one to you in the C.A.C. did, I did not dare to say to you how unluckily I was real here. I have loved you so much that I have admitted, myself, my destinations to give up my dreams to live only for yours. Sometimes, Bette, it is not level enough to love just unconditionally.