Get out. And Stay out.
by Char Hall
drakkar@rogers.com

– x –

Lara Perkins took up the wineglass and took a not-so-dainty swig. Her salad sat momentarily forgotten, its lettuce slowly becoming soggy from the raspberry dressing. In front of her on the coffee table was the latest copy of Girlfriends magazine. She had been reading it as she ate, enjoying a rare moment of peace. These days she made sure she was busy. If she wasnt at the country club cooking gourmet meals for its high class members, she was working out, going out for coffee with one of her friends, or hosting movie nights at her apartment. It wasnt often she was alone, but tonight she had decided that she could handle a moment for herself. She had been doing very well, too. Or so she had thought–until the she had turned the page of an engrossing story on the Indigo Girls and discovered it. A full-page ad featured the one person she had been avoiding all contact and thought of for the last month. Her mouth had fallen open, fork trembling in her fingers.

Get out. And stay out.

And there, in the middle of the page for the entire ***** world to see, was Dana Fairbanks. Out and Proud. Lara felt her world drop from beneath her at seeing Dana again, even if only on paper. Her mouth felt dry and she reached for her wineglass again. She finished the crisp liquid in one swallow. Lara often wondered how she had managed to avoid meeting up with Dana at the club. The only explanation she had was that Dana had been avoiding her as well. With both of them making such a concentrated effort, she realized that they had been able to pull it off. As thankful as she was for that, it had almost made the pain of Laras final moments with her even more unbearable. The breakup had come out of left field and taken Lara out of her comfort zone and deposited her in a place she hadnt been in a long time: a dark pit of despair.

Picking up her bowl of mushy salad, Lara went to kitchen. She threw out her salad, no longer interested in ingesting anything but the remaining wine in the bottle. She took the bottle out to the living room and sat down in front of the magazine once more.

Get out. And stay out.

Dana had done it. Lara was at once proud and anguished. She felt guilty; she had often pressured Dana to come out. It was something she took for granted, having succeeded in coming out herself many years before. The feelings of anxiety and fright had long since been forgotten, replaced with the comfort of knowing who and what she was. Standing alone in the middle of the restaurant, Archive, close to tears and entirely humiliated had caused her to begin considering her approach as anything other than gentle, loving prods. Apparently Dana saw her actions entirely differently. And by then it had been too late. Lara had barely said anything to Dana before she disappeared out the door and sheer stubbornness–well, maybe a bit of shock, as well–had been the only thing that had saved her from tracking Dana down later. The tennis player had made it absolutely clear that she was no longer interested in being with Lara. Lara, although it killed her, had respected that. The very next day she had thrown herself into work. She had called friends. She had been busy ever since.

She drank more wine. She stared at Danas face, all sweaty and scrunched up from concentration. The shot caught Dana mid-swing. It wasnt necessarily the most flattering picture Lara had seen of Dana, but it made her ache with desire nonetheless. Lara clenched her teeth together and pitched her wineglass at the wall.

– x –

Head spinning, Lara sat on a bench in the change room. She had managed to make it into her whites before the nausea had clambered into her body and made a comfy home. She was thankful she had come in an hour before her shift. She knew that if she drank enough water, maybe forced down a piece of bread, shed be okay. But for the moment she could not move. Lara barely registered the sound of the locker room door opening, but she heard the voices that echoed between the lockers.

You looked great out there, baby! Im gonna go pull the car around. You had better hurry if were going to make our dinner date, someone said. For some reason, focusing on the words of a complete stranger managed to take Laras mind of her own discomfort for a fleeting moment. She was quickly disappointed when she realized that whoever was speaking had left the room, however, and she had to draw her knees up and drop her head down on them to solidify her position in the world.

The sound of footsteps was not lost on her. Someone remained, it would seem, but the footsteps abruptly ended with a piercing squeak. Lara could hear ragged breathing–whoever it was had probably just finished a grueling workout. The person cleared her throat. Lara felt a slight shift in the bench, a new weight added. And then she felt a hand on her shoulder. She lifted her head, the world slanting and slipping. She fought for control, even as her heart skipped a beat.

Lara. Her name was said very quietly, the speakers adorable self-consciousness clear. The hand on her shoulder slipped away. Lara longed to reestablish contact, but instead she remained stock still until finally Dana was forced to speak again. In a hoarse whisper, Dana said, Are you all right?

Lara wanted to shout, What do you think!? but all she could think of doing was lurching to her feet and scrambling away. She got as far as her feet, but the scrambling just wasnt going to happen. Instead she pitched forward, catching herself with both hands against the lockers. She bowed her head and swallowed back the rising bile.

She heard another jerky squeak of sneakers as Dana got up from the bench. Lara could smell her now, a light body spray mixed with the heady scent of Danas clean sweat. Dana was standing inches away from her. Lara– Dana began, but was interrupted.

Dana, sweetie, are you ready to go? Lara heard the voice and recognized it as the one she had focused on earlier to take her mind off the nausea. She was thankful her head was still down and that she was still supporting herself against the lockers when the owner of the voice appeared around the corner. Instead of soothing the nausea this time, the voice caused it to flare.

No, I– Dana took a guilty step away from Lara. Lara still hadnt looked up. She didnt want to see this woman who was calling Dana sweetie. But it was like the compulsion of needing to look at a car wreck as one drove by. It couldnt be helped, this human occupation with disaster.

And a disaster it was. Lara glanced up to see a beautiful, dark complexioned woman with long locks of wavy brown hair. Slacks, a dark shirt and a gentle cream jacket accentuated her gorgeous body. The woman reached out and possessively took Danas hand, while staring at Lara with cold calculation. As soon as Dana glanced the womans way, Lara saw the expression disappear, replaced with a charming smile. Are you all right? the stranger asked Lara with a voice intended to convey genuine concern. To Lara it sounded like she could give a rats *****. Lara waved a hand, avoiding the involuntary nod of her head that would normally accompany the gesture. She made an effort to stand up straight. She moved to the bench and forced herself to sit properly. Im fine, she said, but didnt feel anything remotely close to fine.

The woman seemed satisfied and turned herself so that her body pressed gently against Danas. Well, babe, you better get showered. Were latebut thats okay. Ill call Georgie and tell her were running behind, the woman said. Lara got the impression that she wasnt as okay with being late as she tried to let on. She abruptly let go of Danas hand and fished a cell phone out of her pocket. Turning on a heel, the woman vanished from the room.

Dana shifted from foot to foot and Lara could tell from the expression on her face that she had no idea what to do next. She had a look that reminded Lara of the night Dana had taken Harrison, instead of Lara, to the Subaru fundraiser. When Dana had shown up at Laras door after the party, looking as though she were drowning and needing someone to throw her a life line, Lara had obliged. She had let Dana in, allowed her to talk her way out of what she had done.

Lara was in no mood to oblige her this time. You should do what she says, Dana, Lara said. She doesnt seem like the type you want to keep waiting. The words flowed with more acid than Lara had intended and she could see the sting–and a fleeting look of was that fear?–in Danas eyes. Dana nodded her head, looking crushed, and turned to her locker. She hurriedly grabbed her things and Lara watched as she disappeared around the corner, heading for the shower stalls tucked in the back of the room.

Taking a deep breath, Lara pushed herself to shaky legs and managed her way to the exit with only a little support from a few lockers here and there along the way. As she exited, she noticed the woman who was waiting for Dana standing outside the door, talking animatedly into her phone. Lara ignored her and trudged her way into the kitchen, where she unceremoniously lost hold over her protesting stomach and belched whatever undigested ***** was in it all over the floor and her boss shoes. She got the rest of the day off.

– x –

By mid afternoon, Lara was feeling better. Barely. Sprawled on her couch, Lara stared blankly at the TV, willing something other than lame soap operas and cheesy talk shows to enlighten her. She normally enjoyed the Discovery channel, but today she had been quickly bored by the mating rituals of manatees.

If she had been a little less bored, she might have missed it: the faint knocking at her door. Curious, Lara peeled herself off the couch, stretching as she did so. Having spent nearly four hours in one position did nothing for her muscles and joints. She groaned, narrowly avoiding a massive cramp in her leg by shifting her weight. Shambling to the door, she opened it ever so slightly, leaving the chain engaged, and peeked through the crack. She didnt immediately see anyone. Heaving a large sigh, she began to close the door when suddenly long fingers slipped around it.

Lara, wait! Dana pleaded.

What are you doing here? Lara snapped, briefly considering crushing Danas fingers. That cruel thought immediately leapt out of her head and she felt appropriately ashamed of her imagined malice.

Can you look, I know you dont owe me anything, but will you please, please open the door?

I have nothing to say to you, Dana, Lara said.

No… But I owe you an apology. Can I just Can I do that, please?

Lara planted her forehead against the wall. It had been a long time since she had last seen Dana. She had thought her feelings for her relatively diminished, but last night and today had been an opening of the wounds. And here stood the salt. Lara could hear Danas breathing, shuddered when Danas fingers shifted ever so slightly forward to touch her hand still on the door. With great effort, Lara swallowed back her pride. She plucked Danas fingers off the door, one by one, and closed it. After a deep breath, she threw the chain and then opened the door again.

Shock and illness had prevented her from noticing much about Dana earlier that day, but what she had failed to see then she took note of now. Dana had cut her hair. She had highlights and bangs; it framed her face beautifully and made her seem somewhat softer. She wore her favorite navy hoodie, but underneath was a light blue t-shirt with two thin white stripes across the chest. She wore a pair of expertly faded jeans that probably cost as much as one of Laras paychecks. It seemed as though being out had agreed with Dana. Combating desire, Lara pursed her lips, crossed her arms across her chest and fought to keep her face passive. She would not give Dana anything. Say what you want, she said firmly.

Dana swallowed. Lara watched as the color rose in her cheeks. Apparently some things hadnt changed. Dana was still as unsure of herself as the day Lara had met her. Ever the geek, Lara thought. Dana frowned, opened her mouth, closed it, made a gesture with her hands and then finally looked down. Im sorry, she said after staring at her shoes for moments.

Is that what you came all this way to say?

No, I Lara, I fucked up so bad I just panicked. That day, you were right. Conrad did scare the ***** out of me I let him convince me that being out would ruin my career, but he was wrong he– I fired him, Lara. The day after Dana stopped rambling, a stricken look on her face.

Lara stared for the longest time, wondering what any of this had to do with her now. Are you seeking validation, Dana? Do you want me to tell you Im proud of you?

I came out, Lara.

Lara laughed, then, sharp and loud. She walked into her living room and snagged the magazine she had used to mop up the wine she had spilled everywhere the previous night. Somehow it was still open to Danas ad, now smeared red with the dried liquid. She threw the magazine at Dana. Didnt have much choice, did you? For no sane reason it had become important for Lara to draw blood. She took a stab. Who is your new girlfriend? Shes hot. Sarcasm dripped.

Danas brows furrowed and she dropped her gaze, taking a solitary step back toward the door. Her name is Tonya. Her lips quivered. Moisture welled in her eyes.

Tonya. Good for you. You should keep that one, Dana. She seemed prepared to walk all over you and make you love every second of it. Lara brushed past Dana to open the door. She held it for her. Thanks for coming out, Dana. Im glad we were finally able to wrap up these loose ends. Enjoy the rest of your afternoon.

Dana, still clutching the ruined magazine to her chest, bowed her head and ducked out the door, staying as far away from Lara as possible. Im sorry, Dana whispered once more. Lara slammed the door after her, bolted it, and leaned back against it. She stood staring at nothing in particular. When the tears came this time, she didnt fight them. She merely slid down to sit with her head between her knees and sobbed until she hurt.

Get out. And stay out.

– x –

End