WHAT MAKES IT REAL
Chapter One

Shane continued to stare at her name half ripped off the window of what WAS to be her new salon. She’d never been too keen on symbolism but this time she was being beaten over the head with it — Heart ripped in half; Dreams ripped in half; Life ripped in half.

“Ah, cut the ***** man,” she thought, “You’ve been through worse.” Then she stopped to think…..or rather to feel. And realized she had NEVER felt any worse than she did right now. She could spend a lifetime trying to convince herself otherwise, but no amount of macho bullshit pep talks were going to make any difference — not this time.

She took out another pack of cigarettes from the glove compartment. Shane wondered briefly how many other bad habits might insinuate their way back into her life now. And she knew she couldn’t care less.

Christ!!! She wanted to punch herself in the gut and stop this ***** pain! Which, okay, didn’t make a lot of sense. But whenever Shane thought about Cherie, which was pretty constantly, the air seemed to get sucked out of her lungs. And she figured if she could just whack herself hard enough maybe the physical pain would somehow ease the incredible searing agony inside that was almost forcing her to double over now.

How the ***** could she have let this happen to her? she thought angrily. Shane only wished she could have seen it coming. She always imagined there would be plenty of warning before falling this hard — plenty of time to ‘get out of Dodge’ before things got this messy. But the reality was that Shane had been totally blindsided by her feelings for Cherie.

One day she seemed to have a total handle on what was going on. They both accepted their affair for what it was. And she couldn’t even tell you exactly when it had all changed. But somewhere, somehow…Shane had lost her heart completely to this woman. She’d always heard there was no sense to love, no logic to attraction. And my God, could any two people be more mismatched? But there it was — Shane was truly, deeply in love.

And Cherie loved her too, Shane was sure of it. Those horrible words she said to Shane before, at the museum? At the time, Shane couldn’t figure out how Cherie could bring herself to say such awful things to her. But now she believed she understood.

The first thing Cherie had said when Shane entered that room was, “You heard him, he’ll kill you.”

Cherie was worried about her, Shane realized now; she wanted to keep Shane safe from her husband. She knew the only way to do that was to ensure that Shane stayed far away from her. So Cherie had to lay on the hurt to make Shane hate her.

As if she ever could. Thinking about it now only made Shane ache for her even more.

She wrapped her arms around herself and lowered her head. Her body started rocking back and forth, like a child trying to comfort herself when there’s no parent around to hold you. A familiar feeling.

Did she have any coke in this jacket? She started searching her pockets. But all she came up with was her cell phone. She stared at it for a minute. Then she found herself calling Alice.

“Al, sorry to wake you.”

“Shane? No, you didn’t wake me. And isn’t ANYBODY sleeping tonight?”

“What do ya mean? What’s going on?

“Tina’s here.”

“Where’s Bette? What’s wrong?”

“Well, it seems Bette and Candace had a . . . “thing.” Tina’s a wreck. She finally just cried herself to sleep a few minutes ago. It’s really bad Shane.”

“Damn! Poor Tina.”

“Yeah. What about you? What are YOU doing calling at 5 in the morning?”

“Ya know, forget it. You just take care of Tina.”

“***** that Shane! What’s up? Talk to me!”

There was silence on the phone for a few seconds but Shane’s uneven breathing could be heard loud and clear.

“Okay, you have GOT to tell me what’s going on. You’re in trouble Shane, I can hear that. This has to do with that Cherie broad, doesn’t it?

“I don’t want to go into the details now Al…”

“Fine, then just give me the big picture. Obviously the ***** has fucked you over, just tell me what happened.”

“No, you don’t understand, it’s not like that.” Shane told Alice the gist of the story as quickly as she could, wanting to get through it as fast as possible. When she came to the part about Steve’s death threat earlier in the evening, Alice nearly dropped the phone.

“Oh my God Shane! I knew these people were trouble, but….Oh my GOD!”

“It’s okay Al.”

“It’s NOT okay, he ***** threatened your LIFE!”

“I don’t care about that,” Shane said in a faint voice Alice had to strain to understand.

“What?” Alice replied, not believing what she’d just heard.

“I said I don’t ***** CARE about that!” This time Shane was shouting. “Cherie is gone! THAT’S what I care about! She won’t see me anymore!”

“Well…yeah!” Alice shouted back. “And obviously this is something you should be grateful for Shane, getting out of this mess before you get killed! I don’t really understand what’s going on here babe. I mean, I know you care about her, but you’re acting like you’re in love with her or something.”

After a full minute of silence, Alice thought Shane had hung up on her. But finally she heard that weird breathing sound again, like Shane was having trouble taking in oxygen tonight.

“Hello?” Alice asked tentatively.

“Is it so hard to believe Alice?” Shane finally said in a voice tinged with total exhaustion and utter defeat.

“Oh honey, you love her?” Alice answered, feeling awful now for not being more understanding earlier. “Baby, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“She loved me too Al, I know she did.”

“Shane, I thought you two were just…I mean…” Alice tried to think of a more delicate phrase than “***** buddies,” but she couldn’t seem to come up with anything.

“You didn’t see us together Alice, the way she treated me. She cared about me. She really did. I was worth something in her eyes.”

“Honey, you’re worth something to a lot of people,” Alice interrupted.

“No, you don’t get it. — A woman like that, someone so. . . important. . .cared about MY happiness. “She…” Shane had to stop for a moment to take a few deep breaths. The last thing she wanted to do was start crying on the phone.

“She thought ‘I’ was important,” Shane continued. “Cherie valued me. Not just my body – ME. Setting me up with my own shop? That was all her idea ya know. She knew I could be more than I am. She totally believed in me.”

Shane got quiet again. Alice didn’t know what to say. She’d never heard her friend talk like this. She so wanted to try to ease that pain, to convince Shane she wasn’t as alone as she so obviously felt.

Then Alice heard Shane’s voice again. It was barely above a whisper now.

“We loved each other Al. It wasn’t a ‘delusion.’ Cherie’s deluding herself if she believes that.”

“Shane, why don’t you come on over and…”

“Nah, I don’t think so. I’m just gonna drive for awhile.”

“Shane, you shouldn’t be alone, I’m worried about you. *****! The whole ***** WORLD is falling apart tonight!”

“Ya got that right,” Shane replied wearily. “Look, you just take care of Tina, I’ll be okay.”

Alright, Alice thought, if soft words wouldn’t do it, then it was time for a good old-fashioned slap upside the head — “DAMMIT Shane, get your ***** over here NOW!” Alice yelled into the phone.

Shane pulled the phone away from her ear but couldn’t help grinning at her best friend’s passionate insistence. “Yes mother,” she meekly acquiesced.

“That’s better,” Alice said with a satisfied smile. Then she quickly hung up before Shane could change her mind.

***** why not? Shane thought. At this point she was running on empty anyway. She might as well crash at Alice’s.

And come to think of it, when the whole ***** world is falling apart, where would she rather be?


(to be continued)