Chapter Four

Come on T Alice whines pulling on my arm. I shake my head. I am not going anywhere. You need to be with your friends, you need to get out. Im seriously started to worry about your social life I smile at that and Alice smiles back. Please. Are you afraid of seeing Bette? I shake my head.
I just dont feel like it Alice
Well tough because I do. Were going to go down to the planet and you are going to socialise with your friends, and youre going to like it She releases my arm. Im going to wait in the car. Ten minutes T She warns, playfully smacking my backside. I groan loudly as she leaves the room. Alice is turning into her mother, I think Ill tell her that later.
I change out of my sweats and t-shirt, and put on my blue sun dress. I wonder if Im only choosing this because Bette never really liked it? I run a brush through my hair, but its no fun dressing up when you have nobody to dress up for. Stop it T, hold yourself together. Alice is right I need to be around the people that love me.
I walk miserably down the stairs and out of the apartment complex. Alice is waiting in her car grinning like an idiot when she sees me. She wolf whistles, and winks at me. Its a start Kennard
I get into the car. And Alice drives off quickly. Im not going to jump out of the car Alice
Not if its moving your not
You know Al… I begin buckling up my seat belt. …youre turning into your mother Her face screws up in disgust and I laugh.
I might change my mind about the whole you not jumping out of moving cars But shes smiling as she talks. See this is what we need. That smile on your face
Ive been thinking I think its time I talked to Bette. I heard you on the phone to her yesterday if she rings again maybe Ill answer it
Alice glances sideways at my exploring my face with concern. Only if youre sure hun
Ill talk to her it doesnt mean were in a relationship again
We pull up outside of the planet. I get out of the car and find myself clutching Alices hand as we walk into it. Marina greets us with what I take to be awkwardness. She envelopes me in a hug, smiling nervously. I hate sympathy. Im just going to go to the toilet They both smile and nod but as I turn away from them I hear Marina tell her that now isnt a good time.
What? It took me an hour to get her here now is the perfect time Alice says.
Bette is here She whispers. My heart seems to freeze in my chest and stop moving as I scan the room. I look to the back of it and my eyes meet Bettes. I stop breathing, stop everything except looking at her. She looks different, we both do I suppose. She looks smaller, she looks like she could break, we both do I suppose. Alice is at my side.
We can go. I honestly didnt know shed be here we can just… I hold my hand up cutting her off mid sentence.
Its ok Al I need to do this
Do you need me to come with you? I shake my head and give her a hug.
But if things get rough then you might have to come and save me, or Bette
Im proud of you T Alice tells me, and Marina nods in agreement.
To be honest this is the last thing in the world I want to do because just looking at her brings everything back. But the weak thing to do is to walk away and give up seven years of love. The weaker thing to do though is to let her get away with it.
I walk over to the table and I have never seen Bette so scared. She stands up her hands fidgeting nervously. It makes me feel better because for once shes the Tina. I sit down without saying a word. I cant believe how beautiful she is even when she looks like *****. Bette is usually so flawless, ironed suit, immaculate hair and make up. Today her hair is tied back messily, her make up looks like yesterdays make up, and the power suit is gone. She looks almost serene in her moss coloured cargo pants, and white vest top. Her eyes bore into me, sending a guilty shiver down my spine. If you ask me how I am Ill walk away right now I warn her. She looks down at the empty cup infront of her. Clearly that was what she was about to say. I dont want to talk about her… She looks up her brow creased with confusion. …yet She gulps.
T I think we need to She trembles as she talks.
Dont tell me what I need Bette. What I need to know is why our relationship was sinking so badly that youd do this to me? She flounders her eyes tearing up. Did you hate me so much that you felt like you needed to find love somewhere else? I practically spit the words out and she reels from them like a hurt animal. She shakes her head.
Dont say that, dont use that word. I could never, ever hate you, and I could never ever love her
I dont understand how you can risk losing somebody you say you love so much for someone you dont even seem to care about
I dont understand how either T. I dont know what I was doing, I dont know what I was thinking…
You were probably thinking about the *****
No, yes, I dont know. When she came along everything felt like it was crumbling. Id made a mess of everything. Im supposed to look after you, Im supposed to make everything better and I failed so badly. T you have to believe me when I say that I love you, that I have always, always loved you. I know that it cant seem like it after what Ive done, but its the truth. I wake up in the morning and I hate myself because Ive been such an idiot. The tears run down her cheeks, but they dont run down mine. If I let myself cry then Ill never stop.
I never thought you would do this to me I whisper. Youve been my everything since we met. My world revolved around you and now I dont know what to do with myself. I always felt like I was your girl. You made me fall so in love with you, and now youve snatched it away
T She sobs, and now I cry because she looks so hurt. Please you have to forgive me, I cant live without you. Ive broken your heart but Ill do anything to fix it again
I look away from her to find Alice and Marina looking but trying not to. They both have tears in their eyes. I turn back to Bette. I dont know whether it can be fixed She buries her face in her hands, and cries into them. I feel like its not there anymore, I want you to make me feel it again She looks up through the tears. I love you Bette but I hate what you did. Our relationship has been a mess for a while now but it hurt me to admit it. The problems are both of our faults. Weve let things get to this, and even though nobody else seems to agree with me, I feel like Im partly to blame for this aswell
No…baby this is all my fault. You havent done anything wrong…
Bette I didnt deserve this, but I cant just pretend that I dont have some part in our relationship failing. I want us to work on this, I dont want to lose you and I dont want to hate you forever
Oh T She whispers, smiling.
Dont think that Ive forgiven you Bette, you still have work to do there
I know, I know whatever you want Ill do. I dont care what it takes I just want you back
Im going to go She looks down the smile disappearing from her face. I want to see you again Bette, Im just not sure when I want to kiss her good-bye, hug her, touch her, but I cant I shouldnt. I stand up from my chair staring into those deep brown eyes that Im drowning in. I love you Bette
She stands up. I love you too. Let me go, you can stay here She slides out from behind the table, accidentally brushing against me in the process. She pauses infront of me and I can smell her, feel her hot breath warming my throat. Maybe people will think that Im stupid, that I should leave her. But I cant leave Bette, as she stands infront of me her eyes red, biting down on her lip nervously, I know that Bette and I have always meant to be together.
I cough, the heat in my cheeks betraying the lust I feel at Bette being so close to me. I want you to sort yourself out Bette, I cant say that were in a relationship right now but I want that to change quickly
I promise T Im going to everything I can to make things better again I reach for her hand.
We both need to make things better She nods, and before I know it shes gone.
I almost fall onto a stool exhausted. Marina and Alice stand infront of me waiting for me to spill. I was a little worried there to begin with. Bette totally broke down
I know. Ive told her that I dont want to leave her Alice breaks into a smile which is mirrored in Marina. Suddenly Im flooded with relief. Were going to have start again. Its going to be difficult forgiving her but I love her we need to be together I feel Alice and Marinas arms wrap around me squeezing me tightly. Ok now I really cant breath They break away from me smiling, and its amazing…I never thought Id smile again.