Restrained Recovery
Part Three
By owelpost (drakkar@rogers.com) and windrider (chelm@netwalk.com)

All appropriate disclaimers apply.

– x –

Lara came down the steps wearing a ratty pair of jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. Her hair was down, but she hadnt teased it out. A knot had tied itself in her intestines, causing a nauseous feeling every time she took a step. She stopped a few steps from Gramps cab, taking a moment to steady herself.

Oh boy, she murmured, sucking a large breath. She needed to be one hundred percent ready for this. You can do this. You have to do this. She exhaled. Inhaled. Exhaled again. Lara opened the door to the cab and slid into the back seat.

Ready? Gramps asked.

As Ill ever be, Lara replied.

Lara, are you sure–?

Gramps, I appreciate the concern. Really.

The firmness of her tone made Gramps tighten his lips. He started the car. He hadnt left the meter running while she had been inside and he didnt turn it on now. This trip was purely a favor. Something about this woman and her mysterious plight made his heart scream for karmic justice.

Night crept up on them as they drove, twilight having dwindled away as Lara had been preparing for whatever crazy journey she had in mind. As before, they drove in silence. Every few minutes, Gramps checked his mirror to see that Lara was holding up all right. It was clear to him that she was scared out of her wits and pressed by some dark need. All he could do was will the car full of strength and hoped that it was enough to buoy her.

The closer they got to the club, Lara could feel it creeping back. The wanting of her. Even now, Lara could feel things tighten and pull down low in her groin, just remembering what it had been like in the beginning.

The first time Susan came to her, she seduced Lara like a Lucinda Williams song, slipping inside her skin, into her head, her heart, her soul. All in the first five seconds, when she took Laras hand at the party and introduced herself. The rest of the world just fell away; there was nothing but Susan, her voice, her eyes, her face.


The way she undressed her, first with her eyes, then with her hands, lips, mouth, teeth. No one had ever looked at her like that before. No one had ever touched her in a way that set her on fire. When Susan fucked her, it wasnt just *****. It was way past that. It was pleasure to die for, pleasure in every cell, every nerve ending. She would have gotten down on her knees for it, begged for it. And did. More than once. That night. And the next night and the one after that. Because Susan asked it, and she couldnt refuse, wouldnt refuse anything Susan asked. Not at first.

Lara closed her eyes and sifted through the memories, realizing how Susan had baited the trap with sweetness and caring and attentiveness that made Lara feel like she was the center of her world. Then one night, Susan asked her to do something she didnt want to. It wasnt a big deal, nothing particularly kinky, it just didnt appeal to Lara. She had said no.

Susan stood up, gave her a cold stare like shed just grown an extra head, and threw her clothes at her. Go home! she ordered and walked out of the room. Lara was stunned by just how hurt she felt.

Susan wouldnt see her, wouldnt return her calls. She cut her off cold. And it was unbearable. Lara couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, couldnt think of anything or anyone but Susan. Her skin hurt, her body ached. The wanting, God, the wanting–touching, holding, *****–it possessed her. She was having accidents at work, breaking things at home.

She waited for Susan outside work, but she wouldnt speak to her, only give her a cold smile and walk away. She waited outside the bar, in her car, watching, dying for just a glimpse. She talked to every intermediary she could think of who might be able to persuade Susan to relent. She wound up on her knees, in the rain, on the sidewalk in front of Susans house, begging, Please, Susan, please! Im sorry. Whatever you want, Ill do it. Please.

Susan had stepped out onto the porch, held her arms out, and took Lara back like a lost child. Thats my good girl, she crooned and led her inside.

That was the first night Susan gave her heroin to shoot. Her first heroin rush and the first ***** of that night came at exactly the same moment. Lara was utterly transfixed. She forgot to breathe. She had never experienced such There wasnt even a word for it. To this day, she remembered the expression on Susans face watching hers, watching her come, watching the heroin take her. That look of triumph. It was almost feral.

By the end of their six-month relationship, if thats what it was, Lara was begging Susan not to touch her, not to care, not to see her, to let her go. Even that turned Susan on, because her intoxication, her pleasure was Power. And she had it over Lara. Even now, she had the power to play her. The restraining order proved that point.

Is that what this is about? Lara wondered. Begging? Would she stop if I begged her to? Probably not, some saner part of her knew it. Maybe shes changed. I have. It cant be the way it was. Hopeful optimisms free-associated through her mind, a litany of hope to cast light on what was otherwise a very bleak set of options. She was no longer quite sure what she was doing here or what she would do, once she was face to face with Susan.

Lara? Gramps interrupted her. Were almost there.

This looks good, she said as they entered the block before Pettrucios. Ill have to walk from here.

Right, he said, pulling to the curb. This district gave him the heebie-jeebies.

Lara unbuckled her seatbelt and scrunched forward in her seat, pulling her wallet out of the back pocket of her jeans. She didnt want to carry a purse here–too many sticky fingers lurked around every corner. At least this way she knew her wallet was snug and would immediately miss it if someone attempted to lift it. She riffled through and pulled out several bills, before returning the wallet to its security. And then she glanced at the meter. Gramps noticed the look of surprise on her face.

Thats not right, Lara said.

Yes it is, Gramps countered.

It cant be. You sat outside my apartment for at least a half an hour and its taken forty-five minutes to get here–

Dont argue, Lara. That meter is my business. Youre keeping yours to yourself, allow me to keep mine, he said.

Seeing that it would be futile to argue, Lara reached out and grasped his shoulder. Giving him a gentle squeeze, she folded the bills and plopped them down on the seat next to him. Thank you so much, Gramps. I needed kindness today. Wish me luck, she said.

Lara?

Yeah?

Youll be coming back this way?

I dont know, Gramps.

How be I wait here?

Tears threatened, but she fought them away. She couldnt have weakness, not at a moment like this. She was about to bite off more than she could chew. I would appreciate that, she whispered.

Ill see you soon. Good luck!

She pushed open the door and stepped into the street. She waved at Gramps, pulled the hood of her sweatshirt up and stuck her hands in pockets. Rolling her shoulders forward, she hunched a bit and trotted to the other side of the street. She watched her feet as she walked, but kept her ears sharp for any signs of trouble. Lara knew how dangerous it was to seem vulnerable in a district like this, but it couldnt be avoided. She had to blend. In order to do that she had to seem like a dejected junkie. No one would think twice about a strung out twinkie, especially around here. Her disguise would crumble under close scrutiny, but no one looked at anyone closely.

She walked between pools of lamplight, staying close to shop doors and avoiding clumps of people loitering on the street. Lara knew exactly who she was looking for and knew he would be around here somewhere.

Hey, baby! A man wearing a leather jacket and a skull-tight toque stepped out of a shadowy doorway, hollering at Lara, who turned out of pure instinct. Come here, sugah, we got a party going on! He held up something that Lara couldnt quite make out. Probably a packet.

***** off, she muttered to herself. She heard someone else shout, Yo, dawg, she aint pretty she just looks that way! Forget about it, followed by raucous laughter. Lara spun away again, determined to keep moving.

The knot in her stomach tightened again as she approached a familiar alley. A few steps ahead was the front doors to Pettrucios, but tucked into the side alley–if everything was the same as it had been a year and half ago–should be the man she was looking for. A posse of low-bred, down and out losers who had nothing better to do than hang out and peddle their *****. Lara felt the bile rise in her throat. She swallowed it back and used the foul taste as fuel to stoke the engine she had set on a crash course. Tonight she would need every ounce of willpower she possessed. Tonight would be a trial by fire.

Hey, hey, hey, came a familiar voice. Whatchoo lookin for?

Lara straightened up and threw her hood off. You know what Im looking for, Joey.

Joey, wearing a pair of tight jeans, no shirt and a backwards ball cap, looked her up and down and leaned his back against the grimy brick wall. Lara could smell the stink of a nearby garbage bin, saw a half a dozen pair of eyes swing in her direction. Junkies strewn in the alley watched the scene unfold. She focused back on Joey and kept her eyes locked on his.

You got some nerve coming here, girlie, he said.

Wheres Susan? she demanded. She clenched her fists at her side.

Joey smirked, pushed off from the wall and got right up in her face. You want some stuff, Lara? For old times sake? I have your favorite, right here! He held up a small packet and wiggled it back and forth under nose. Lara turned her head away and stepped back. Joey caught the front of her shirt and brought her close again. He put his hands inside the long tube pocket in the front of her sweatshirt and poked her belly. I saw the pictures, Lara. Who is your new babe? His breath was hot on her cheek, his sharp eyes probing for her deepest desires.

Lara managed to untangle herself. She ground her teeth together, causing her cheeks to flare out. I dont know what youre talking about, she managed. Her bowels had turned to a fiery liquid. The pictures! God, had Susan been behind them too?

Well, now, wont share with your old buddy, huh? No matter. Joey shrugged, rubbing a hand over his bare chest. You gonna go in there? he hiked a thumb toward the building behind him. A faint trance-like beat emanated from the club and Lara swallowed hard.

Is she in there?

Might be. Prolly. He looked her over again, squinting in the darkness. Wont like what youre wearing. She never did like her toys to look so ragged, Lara. You wanna risk displeasing her like that, after all this time?

Lara pulled her hood up again and backed away from Joey on weakened legs. She felt the sting of a ghost slap on her cheek, her hand rose to rub the phantom bruise. Susan had backhanded her when she had shown up at her door wearing a pair of jeans. The slap had enough force to send her crashing into the decorative desk just inside the door of Susans house, cutting her forehead. Afterward, Susan had kissed and dressed her wound, shifting moods nearly as quickly and unexpectedly as her slap had come. She proceeded to convince Lara to change into a slinky evening gown and rewarded her by taking her out for a very private, very expensive dinner.

I cant do this she muttered, rubbing her cheek more vigorously.

Joeys laughter echoed between the buildings. Lara turned rapidly on her heel and bolted out of the alley. Dont come back, Lara. You wont find me nearly as friendly! Joey called after her. He wore a wicked smile.

Lara slowed, throwing a glance over her shoulder back to the alley. What was I thinking? she thought. She was nowhere near ready to deal with Susan. She had been a fool to think she could handle the situation. Susan hadnt been a part of her life in a very long time, yet she still held Lara in the palm of her hand. Infuriated, Lara smacked a fist against her leg as she walked, pursing her lips together to keep tears of frustration at bay. Lara was so absorbed in her tortured memories that she didnt notice that another person occupied the sidewalk in her direct path. She nearly barreled into a thin woman, but managed to sidestep at the last second just enough that they only thumped shoulders.

Sorry. Sorry, Lara muttered, keeping her head down. She stuffed her hands into the pockets of her jeans. Instead of waiting around for a reaction, or possible confrontation, she shuffled to the side and crossed the street. By the time she had reached the other side, she had picked up her pace again. Gramps had kept the cab idling and must have noticed her approach in the mirror, because he got out of the car and opened the door for her.

He took her elbow and helped to lower her into the car, an old fashioned gentlemans gesture. As she situated herself, Gramps leaned down and peered into the car. In one piece?

Lara breathed out a sigh, gave a him a weak smile with a nervous little chuckle, Yeah. It might have been worse.

– x –

End Part Three