Chapter 4

Tina slipped down the couch to face Bette and held Bettes face in her hands. Tina: BabyOnly a word and Bette was crying.Tina gave Bette a look that saidwhat did I say? Bette: I ached to hear this word from youbetween sobsI thought I would never hear it T, I thought you would never hold my face in your plam.and never call me that again. Tina got her answer even before she could ask Bette if she missed Tina. Tina looked at Bettebroken and crying and then she cried too. Tina: I just wanted to know if you missed me.I missed you like ***** BABY. Bette now broke down completely. She couldnt answer. Inside she screamedand Tina heard.

Tina was almost in shock as she held Bette. Who is this? she thought. So gentle, so not angry. This is not the Bette I knew three months back. This ones better. Much better. As Tina smiled to herself thinking about it she also grew concerned. Is Bette okay? Even when she said, shell kill Kyleshe was so angry but so in control. She has beaten herself too much. I have never seen Bette so vulnerable, like shed break on a touch. What have we done? Are we too spenttoo broken to mend each-other? Theres so much to say and tell and know and speak and yet this abundant love seems to be enough to not say anything at all. It was the first time Tina knew how much Bette love her without Bette telling her. She saw it. She heard it. She felt it.

Bette had been thinking too. After three months of pure agony, here she was with Tina – in their home, in her arms. Bette had become a different person. Its only when I lost did I know what is it to feel Tina touch me. I had been an idiot. I broke us. And here she isrunning into my armslooking for me in her worst time and telling me she missed me. How do I even begin to tell her how much I regret what I did and what am I feeling seeing her like this? How do I tell her that its today after three ***** months do I feel alivewith her touch? How do I even begin to tell her how I have craved for her? How do I make her understand how sorry I am, how I want her and I am so in love with her that now it hurts! Well, I guess the only way she would know is if I tell her. Bette surprised herself with that thought. Hail therapy!

Bette always thought that feeling cannot be governed, no person can validate your feelings. If you feel it, its valid. Therapy to her seemed unfathomable because she thought she knew what she felt and controlled it. Well, she took shelter in therapy when she lost control and she realized it was not validation, it was understanding and facing what you feel which is more important. She understood her love and need Tina when she read her heart, frame by frame. To herself. She understood feelings to need Tina, ask Tina, crave Tina were not weaknesses – it was love.

Bette thought its been a while in Tinas arms only when she realized how dark had the room become. She shifted a little a looked up at Tina, kissing her chin she said: What did you askagain? Tina smiled: Nothing. Bette sat up beside Tina and took Tinas hand in hers. Bette: T, I know starting a sentence with Trust me is not the best thing right now but if you can believe that I love you please believe me when I say this. God smiled on me the day you walked into my life. You brought me so much happiness that it overwhelmed me. I was wrong and unkind and an ***** to even think it was not perfect. Because though nothing is ever perfect, we are. And now, believe it or not, I dont want perfection. But to learn to live again I need us. I need you so bad. You have every right to hate me, not want me.but baby, I will spend my life earning you again because T.I have no life without you. I am lost and incomplete and nothing. If I dont see you, I dont see myself. If I dont tell you things, they are so unreal. If I dont spend my day with you, I dont grow. If I dont love you, I dont know how to live. Have I missed you? T, I have missed you as I breathedevery moment. I walk around in this empty, soulless housewhatever I seeis wrapped around your memories. I cried, I wept, I ached. Have I missed you? T, I have missed you with every heartbeat.

Tina looked at Bette, like she was looking at an unknown person for the first time. Bette was talking..talking what she felt.as she felt it. Honestly was dripping from words. Tears were choking her voice and her hands were now shivering. Tina held Bettes hands firmly now and faced her. Kneeling now she pulled Bette to herself. After a while she looked at Bette pushing her at a distance to look into her eyes realizing everytime they hugged, it was for a long time before they could let go. Tina: Baby, that was a long answer when Bette managed a feeble smile she said .and Bette, I am so proud of you and so in love with you. This would be my long version short.

Bette managed a wider grin on that one. Bette: How are you feeling now? Tina shrugged. The truth was she felt very safe and loved and just wanted to be with Bette. Bette: What do you want to do? Sleepy? Tina: Bette, I know it is late but can we go for a walk or a drive. Bette: We can.We will do whatever you feel like doing! Want to feel the air huh? Tina: No, I just want to hold your hand as we walk. I want the feel the air with your smell in it. Bette thought she had died and gone to heaven. How did she get so lucky! Twice! She knew Tina didnt want to go earlier because she couldnt face people. Dark was good and safe. Then again how did she not know before want Tina wanted? Probably, not listening too closely to what she said and not even hearing what she didnt.

Bette pulled up herself and got Tina up with her. Bette: Ill get the keys.and then you can hold my hand.forever. she wanted to kiss Tina but she was not sure. As she walked past Tina, Tina pulled her back. Bette knew Tina read her. She always did and how Bette loved her for that. Theres something I need to do before we go.and I think you need it too.