Just at that moment Tina thought if she wanted to read it at all. After all it was Bettes private/personal journal. But she was her wife. Then Tina realized that she wanted to know only what Bette wanted her to know and as she wanted to know and she just flipped the pages to shut it back. As she held the cover page, she saw what made her sit on the couch for the next three hours.it saidGrowing with Tina.For my wife!

With tears and trembling hands.Tina turned the first page. It was dated at the week after Tina left the house. It read:
Dear T,
T, this past weekI think this is how it is to not live. I sit and stare at the walls, not wanting to move, scared to look at the house, touch your things, feel your pillow and the day just passes by. I breathe but I dont like it, I live but I dont feel alive. I realize you are my life. I knew that before but I was an ***** to let it slip out of my mind.
How I wish I was saying all this to youand not writing it. Well, I guess it is my own doing that I dont have that choice. T, I went to my first session of therapy. My shrink (shes scary!) said I need to sort my feelings and talk. Theres no one I want to talk to but youand you arent here. So, I got this journal outyou gave it to me.and I thought it would go waste. Everything has a reason, I guess.
I know I needed you and I didnt ask for itand I lost you..now I know I need helpto get you back. I went to therapy to become the person I once was, the one you fell in love withthe one I wanted to bethe one I could like.
Thinking in the past week, I cannot believe how much I hurt you. And for a while now. I was never available, I was pre-occupied and I was insensitive. I do hope my eyes never failed to tell you that no matter whatI love you.though I know my actionsand sometimes words betrayed that.
T, I am so sorry! Baby, I am so sorry.

Tina read the page and felt the crumbled textureknowing it was Bettes dried tears. She touched it lightly as if trying to wipe them away. She knew Bette was in same amount of pain, if not more as she was and though she had friends, Bette was fighting all alone. She could almost imagine Bette sitting all alone, all daycryingand it broke her heart. Must be love!
Day2
T,
It was the first at workafter you left. I had no one to kiss me goodbye and no one to come home to. It was .awful! I had this odd feeling all dayI didnt get an iota of work doneI just sat in my chair. I dont feel sleepy, hungry.anything. I guess I just wanted to call you, hear your voice, smell your beingand nothing nothing without you makes sense. I feel so lost. I pretended to work late. I was fooling myself. Trying to avoid to go hometo go to empty home.
I am here nowand theres nothing to do. I cant sleep in our bed. I just keep staring at your side.thinking ull walk out of bathroom, from the hallwaythat Ill hear youany minute and its been hours. I am sick of the silence. Its deafening.

Day 3
T,
I woke up and tried to feel you on your side of the bed. Not finding you, I just walked out calling your name. I panicked when I didnt find you..then I realized.theres nothing to panic about. Theres nothing left to panic about. You are not here.
I keep doing these things out of habit. I just pick up the phone to let you know I love you and the sound of dial tone reminds meno ones waiting to hear mesay that.
I wrote you a message in bathroom. I know how you love them. In evening when I went to bathroom and saw the note untouched.I remembered theres no one to read.
I still keep ordering food for two. I still call out your name when I look for some lost thing in the house.

Tina was having a hard time reading now. her vision fogged by her tears. She remembered how hard the first week was for her. She use to sit up at nightcalling for Bette. Knowing that Bette went through similar things somehow felt like.healing, assuring! She could feel Bettes pain in her words. Everyone of it. She cried but she felt so loved.she felt as if the writing was making up for the lost time. Tina was amazed at how much hurt both of them have beenand how miserable they had been without each other. Must be love!