Sunday morning Tina woke up with a nauseated feeling. She didnt know what was going on with Bette and part of her was angry with herself for even caring. You gave her the choice, she pushed you away, Tina told herself, but she knew it was useless. She was so torn right now and she didnt know if she should let Bette go on her journey of self-discovery alone, or if she should be there with her, trying to help her through everything. Images of seeing Bette with Candace kept popping up in her head and every time she saw one of them she felt the pain and suffering she had endured over the last few months. Why is this so hard? she thought as she brushed her teeth and tried to get ready to meet Alice and Dana for coffee. I just wish I knew what she was thinking, I wish I knew what I was thinking. Tina was growing frustrated at trying to figure everything out so she just got dressed and ran out of Alices apartment.

She got to the Planet and found Alice and Dana waiting for her. They seemed to be involved in some deep conversation but when Tina sat down they immediately turned their attention to her.

Hey guys, whats going on?

Nothing much. So did you sleep okay last night?

No, I had the dream again.

Alice rolled her eyes and Dana looked confused as to what Tina was talking about. Tina felt tears forming in her eyes as she remembered the reoccurring dream she had been having.

Uh what dream? What are you guys talking about?

Tinas been having this dream about Bette. It always starts off with some early memory from when they first started dating but it always turns bad and ends with them fighting and Bette leaving.

Yeah only this time she didnt leave. I woke up before we were done fighting.

So youre having dreams about Bette? Doesnt that mean something?

It means Dana, that Tina has no idea about what she is doing with Bette and what the future holds for them.

Thank you guru Alice. What are you going to start quoting Freud next?

Look Tina, is there anything about your dreams that stands out? Anything that seems to point you in one direction or another?

No. It always starts out with how me and Bette used to be. Then it suddenly changes and we are screaming at each other. I dont get it. They stopped happening when I moved back to the house but ever since I moved out again theyve started again.

Well, I think they do mean something, but you have to figure out what it means.

Tina looked away when Alice said this. She knew that she was right but Tina didnt have the slightest idea as to what they actually meant. Dana was looking at Tina with a concerned look on her face and Alice was sitting there trying to interpret Tinas dream. Dana felt bad for Tina and she couldnt imagine how hard things must be for her right now.

Tina, what do you think is going to happen with Bette?

I dont know. I mean shes Bette you know. Shes been my everything for the past seven years and I never thought she would hurt me so badly. But she did.

Maybe you guys just need to talk things out?

Weve done that. Weve talked so much theres nothing left to say. I dont knowmaybemaybe some things just arent meant to be

Tinas voice trailed off and Dana looked at her with sympathy in her eyes. She knew that Tina was just hurting right now and still mad at Bette for what she did, but Dana couldnt see why Tina couldnt at least talk to her. Tina decided she didnt want to sit here and talk about this so she finished her coffee and told Alice she was going back to her place. Tina wanted to be alone for a while and try and sort through her feelings a little more. She wouldnt have much free time after this weekend with having to move and look for another job. Tina loved volunteering with Oscar, but right now she needed to be able to be financially independent. Tina drove back to Alices apartment and sat on the couch trying to figure out what was going on in her head.

I love Bette, and I want to work this out, but I dont know if thats possible anymore. She hurt me too much to let her back in my life so easily. But what about me? Why do I have to suffer because of this? ***** you Bette Porter for doing this to me in the first place. Tina got up and started pacing the apartment trying to find something to do to take her mind off of Bette and their broken relationship. She thought about what Alice said about her having to interpret her own dreams and Tina thought it was crazy but worth a shot. She found a piece of paper and tried to write down everything that happened in the dream, exactly as it happened. She didnt bias her memory and just wrote exactly what came to her mind. When she was done she read it back and tried to analyze what her subconscious was telling her.

Bette and I were sitting at the kitchen table. We were talking about nothing in particular and it was just like it had always been. I felt comfortable and happy as we shared our lives with each other and when she kissed me I felt it like it was really happening. Suddenly we were in the bedroom screaming at each other. I said that I hated her and wanted her out of my life and she said that she was sorry but it had to happen. I told her that I never wanted to see her again and she said she knew that wasnt true. Then I woke up.

Okay that didnt help much, thought Tina as she tried to understand what was going on in the dream. Maybe we were getting too comfortable with each other. Maybe we reached a point where things were so stable that they werent fun anymore. Did we lose the fire in our relationship? Was she really that unhappy with me? But what about the arguing? The constant fighting and the nights when we would go to bed angry with each other? When did it all start? Is that what the fighting in the dream meant? Was I subconsciously pushing her away because I was the one who was lost? So much has happened in the last six months that I cant even remember what our lives were like right before I quit working. How come even in my dreams the mixed feeling of anger and love for Bette still never goes away?

Tina sighed as she sat back down and tried to gain perspective on the situation. I love her, but I cant forgive her for hurting me so much. We tried to work it out but she said she didnt know what she wanted. *****. Shes getting me to do this her way again. But I cant force her to be with me, and I cant force myself to be with her. I dont get it. How many times am I going to let her do this to me? What about six months down the line when things get rough again? Is she going to cheat again? Am I going to be the one to cheat this time?

Tina got up and grabbed her keys. She needed to go for a run to clear her head and she could feel her body tensing up as she was thinking about Bette. She changed and went for a run and when she got back an hour later Alice was home.

Hey.

Hey Tina. Have a good run?

Yeah, got my head clear.

Good then you can finally make a decision about this Bette situation.

Tina gave Alice an annoyed look as she went to go take a shower. She emerged ten minutes later and flopped down on the couch next to Alice. The T.V. was on but Alice was hardly paying attention. Tina looked at her and finally saw what she was looking at. Alice was reading what she had written about her dream. Tina was glad she didnt write any of her thoughts about the dream down also and she should have known better than to leave that lying on the coffee table. Alice turned to Tina and gave her a sincere look.

So did you interpret your dream?

Not really. I couldnt find any deeper meaning behind it so I gave up.

I see.

Alice let it go and Tina decided not to get mad at Alice for reading what she had written. She did have one question for her though.

Al?

Yeah?

Do you believe in forever?

I believe that there can be a forever with some people, and with others its more like forever until we both agree this isnt going to work. Forever is too unclear, it has too many possibilities. I prefer to live in the moment.

Tina smiled and she knew what Alice was referring to. Alice had been trying to get Tina to get back out there and start dating again, but Tina had refused up to this point. She knew she wasnt ready to let anyone else into her heart, but she also didnt know if she was ready to let Bette back in either.

Well sometimes thats not always a good thing.

Tina, look I know you probably dont want to talk about it anymore, but I think Bette is really just taking this time to find herself again. I saw how hurt you were when you first found out about Candace and I also saw how hard Bette worked to get you back in her life. She loves you and only you and I think right now shes just a little confused.

Then why did she wait three months after I found out about Candace to try and find herself? I thought things were going so well and we were finally on the right track to get our lives back and she pulled away again. The worst part is, a part of me wonders if she wanted time away from me so that she could be with Candace. Like it was easier for her to let me go so that she wouldnt have to hurt me again.

Tears were slowly flowing down Tinas cheeks and Alice reached out to pull her into a hug. She sat there for a little bit letting Tina cry on her shoulder before speaking again.

Tina, Bette wouldnt do that. Trust me. Look Bette may be a lot of things, but lying has never been one of her strong points. If she needed time away to find herself then thats what shes doing. The question is, do you still want to be with her?

I dont know.