Chapter 9: Memories

As the women all flocked to Bette and Tina hugging and kissing them, alternately congratulating them and chastising them for keeping it a secret for so long, I found myself hanging back from the crowd, again overwhelmed by the sense of family these friends had created; and again, I felt awed to be a part of it. As I watched them all talking about the baby and the things they would do to prepare, who would get babysitting rights and who would be the favorite aunt, my mind flashed back to the day that Kim and I found out we were pregnant..

I was so excited. I wanted to shout it from the rafters. Wed tried so long to get pregnant. All the pills, shots, doctors visits——it was all worth it I thought as we danced around the living room waving the EPT stick in the air. I thought it was the happiest moment of my life. Only later did I realize that there would be a price for that happiness.

Shaking the memory from my mind, I smiled at the women before me. God, may they never know the other side of this joy they now share and celebrate, I thought to myself as I slipped into the kitchen to busy myself with the clean-up. I hoped that the act of washing dishes would also somehow wash my mind clean of this unwanted memory.

I stood at the sink washing the dishes wed left scattered across the kitchen. Robin came in with a pile of dishes from the table and asked me why I was hiding in the kitchen. You should be in there with the rest of us. She said as she put the dishes down next to the sink.

Ill be out in a moment. I just want to finish up here so Tina and Bette dont have to worry with this. This should be their time, their day and it should not include doing dishes. I laughed and nodded towards the living room. Go on back out there, Ill be along in a moment.

Robin considered me for a moment before slowly walking out of the living room. I stood at the sink staring out the window, again lost in memory.

I heard someone enter the kitchen and assumed it was Robin with the last of the things from the dining room. I was surprised as a pair of arms slipped around my waist and Marinas warm breath caressed my ear as she spoke, Leave these, come out and celebrate with us.

I leaned back into Marina, relaxing into the warmth of her body and the feel of her arms around me. Suddenly, unexpectedly, the tears were streaming down my face. Sobs racking my body. Marina turned me in her arms, immediately asking What? Freddie, whats wrong?

I couldnt speak; I just clung to her sobbing. Without speaking, she wrapped me in her arms and stood holding me. I felt Marina look up and lightly shake her head as she maneuvered me out of the kitchen and down the hall towards the back of the house.

Marina lowered me to a bed. She sat holding me as I continued to sob uncontrollably. She ran a hand over my head and cooed softly into my ear. I didnt understand what she said, but the sound of her voice was soothing and eventually Id calmed enough to lean back from her. She released me, but her hands found mine and held them as she looked at me.

I was now utterly embarrassed and couldnt meet her intense gaze. I sat there staring at the floor not knowing what to say or do. I couldnt remember the last time Id cried. And that little outburst could hardly be described as crying; that was a total scene causing melt down. I was not prone to emotional outbursts, least of all in front of people I barely knew.

Marina released my hand to wipe a tear from my cheek. Her touch was soft and gentle and her voice was just a whisper when she asked Freddie, what happened?

I didnt answer and her finger hooked my chin and gently pulled till I was facing her. Freddie?

Still unable to look at her, I did not meet her gaze and instead focused on the detail of her pants. I studied the fabric and the stitching of the seam. My mind was frantic, trying to find the words to explain, or apologize, or thank her, or anything to end the now awkwardness filling the room. But I found no words and I slowly shook my head to silence her.

I stood, trying to distance myself from Marina. She remained on the bed, as I walked to the window. I could feel her eyes watching me; I could hear the questions she was not asking. Still looking out the window, I said Im okay. Really. Ill be out a minute.

Even as the words left my mouth asking her to leave, I knew that what Id really wanted was for her to again wrap me in the safety of her arms. That knowledge was like a wave of fear crashing through me.

I heard Marina stand and leave the room. I sighed, a mixture of relief and regret. Why hadnt I explained to Marina. She had wanted to comfort me, to understand and even to help and I had wanted her to. But I was scared and as soon as I could, Id shut her out without any explanation or even a thank you. Jesus, what was wrong with me?

I heard the door open and shuddered inwardly at the thought that one of the other women was now coming to check on me.

Tina put her hand gently on my shoulder and said Come on. There is a sliding glass door in our bedroom that leads out to the back yard. Marinas waiting in her car. She told the others you werent feeling well and that shes going to take you home.

I followed Tina without saying a word. As she slid the door open for me, I paused and hugged her. Thank you, Tina. Im sorry about this.

She kissed me on the cheek, smiled and said Go on, Marina is waiting for you.

The look on Marinas face as I slipped into her car made my heart ache. She was clearly concerned, but also confused. As she pulled the car into the street, I placed my hand on her thigh, Thank you, Marina.

She covered my hand with her own and we drove in silence. I was trying to find a way to explain it all and didnt pay any attention to where we were going. When the car stopped, I looked up to find that we were at the Griffith Observatory. It had stopped raining, but was still cloudy and we were the only car in the parking lot. Come, walk with me. Marina said as she opened her door to get out.

I followed her and as we walked, Marina told me about the history of the park. I listened as she told me about her love of this place. The hours shed spent in the planetarium and the days hiking in the park. Ive never brought anyone here before. She said as she stopped walking to look out over the city. I come here to be alone. It relaxes me and brings me back to myself.

I immediately understood. I heard all that she didnt saying. How important this place was to her. How much she cared about me and trusted me—enough to share this private refuge with me. I was struck by how often I did that same thing; it was exactly like me to share something important like that, but cloak it behind words that did not expose the vulnerability beneath the statement.

I took her hand in mine as we both looked out over the city and slowly I began, Marina, Im sorry about this morning. Im not sure what exactly happened. I paused and turned to find Marina staring at me intently. This time I met her eyes and held them for a long moment. I broke the stare and led us to a nearby bench.

We sat down, hands still laced together and I continued, It all happened so suddenly. I trailed off, unsure of how to open this piece of myself. I looked down at the ground and cleared my throat. I had no idea that Bette and Tina were trying to get pregnant. I paused again, the words stuck in my throat. Marina reached up and pushed the hair out of my eyes. I turned to face her, and in her eyes I saw only kindness and warmth. I wanted to loose myself in those eyes.

I could hear the voice in my head, Do this, Freddie. Say the words. You owe her that.

Still looking into her eyes, I took a deep breath and said, When they announced that they were having a baby, it was.like theyd shone a spot light into a dark recess of my memory. A part of my past I thought Id left behind. The tears were spilling down my face as I continued, I had a daughter. Mattie..Matilda. I smiled at the thought of her, the image of her that flooded my mind. We lost her when she was 16 months old.

She was silent, as the first tear spilled from her eyes. A small gasp escaped my lips at the sight of her tears. No, Marina, please dont cry. I reached up to wipe the tears from her face as I continued. It was good. She was so I couldnt find a word to express all that Mattie had been; I looked out over the city searching for a way to explain. She was such a gift Marina, you asked me the other night on the beach how I did it. How I reminded you of a child, in awe of the world around me. Remember?

I turned to face Marina again and she slowly nodded her head Yes, I remember.

That was my gift from Mattie. She opened my eyes to the world. She taught me about love, joy, wonder, laughter. She taught me to live for the here and now because you may not get a tomorrow.

When you came into the kitchen and wrapped your arms around my waist, it just all washed over me so suddenly and with it

The words were in my head, but I couldnt force them out of my throat. I closed my eyes, took a slow breath, and let go, and with it was you. The thought of you. The feel of you.

Marina cut my words off with her kiss. Her hands cupped my face as her lips softly grazed mine. It was not hungry or demanding like the night on the beach, but slow and gentle and loving.