Restrained Recovery
By owelpost (drakkar@rogers.com) and windrider (chelm@netwalk.com)

Part Seventeen

– x –

Lara slumped on the couch in the darkening living room, too spent to turn on the lights as the light faded from the world. And her life. The vidcaps were scattered on the floor. She was momentarily fixed by the nearest one, lying face up, Danas pleasure obvious on her blindfolded face. God, she thought, if she thought the planted dope was a betrayal… She could not imagine telling Dana their privacy had been violated like this, but how could she not? She had to be warned, she needed to have her house swept for whatever cameras and other gear Susan had paid the creep to install, before there were more tapes and God only knows what else. Lara went stone cold numb at the thought.

She ran her hands through her hair, tugging it until the pain forced her out of the numbness, and slowly dropped her head until her chin rested on her chest. Disorganized thoughts and feelings churned through her; she was crying but she simply had no more tears left, and dry sobs wracked her throat. She felt completely empty of anything but pain. And alone. She thought again of calling Dana, but knew instinctively that she would probably hang up on her. The last time she broke up with Lara, it was two weeks before Dana called. Marina? What could she do? She had no leverage in this situation either. Alice and Shane were clueless to anything except whatever Dana had told them by now. No, there was no one she could turn to. Susan had cut off every avenue but one.

For one brief moment, Lara wondered: how much do I owe Dana? Do I owe her my life, my freedom? Why should I sacrifice so much for someone who doesnt love me? A thought formed in the back of her mind. She could just tell Susan to ***** off, and let the chips fall. But they would fall on Dana, who never asked for it, never deserved it, regardless of how shed treated Lara.

She also knew Susan well enough to know that taking the film public, however and wherever she did it, was the least of what she was capable of. That would just be punishment. But she wouldnt stop with Dana; she would escalate until shed compromised every friend Lara had. Because she could.

And shed never stop until she brought Lara to her knees again. Which is where Lara found herself as she slid off the couch, kneeling in the pile of papers on the floor, arms wrapped tight around herself, rocking and keening, a song older than any language, the grief of love, of despair, of defeat. She lay down, tucked herself into a tight fetal position, and fell into the dreamless sleep of utter exhaustion, already knowing that love and honor and circumstance had already made the decision for her.

By the time she woke up, the night was dead on and deep. The darkness outside her window sharpened some sounds, swallowed others. Except for the occasional car driving by, the streets sounded empty and silent. Through the window, she could see a bright sickle moon hanging low in the sky, a Cheshire Cat smile in the trees. She stood shakily, gathered up the photos and laid them on the table, on top of the restraining order. A deep jagged breath to steady her nerves and she walked to her bedroom, ready as she could ever be.

She dressed for Susan. Something she hadnt done in so long, and her hands shook as she pulled out the lingeriea sheer silk bra that nearly matched her hair in its intensity of color, matching panties with slits at the sides from waistband to the legbands. She fingered them, closing her eyes, the fabric sliding across her fingertips. She could feel Susans hands on them, and the thought sent a shudder of desire through her. How she could still look forward to her with so much longing after all shed done, and would do, it was too late to unravel that mystery and she no longer cared to. The blouse was chosen for what it revealed, for what it concealed, for what it hinted at; the indigo skirt, for its fabric, the way it clung to her hips when she walked, the way it would feel when Susan used it in foreplay.

She kept waiting for that inner voice that would say, Stop! but that voice was silent in her, having surrendered to necessity. There would be no coming back this time, Lara knew it. And there was no one to come back to anyway. There was only the inevitability of Susan. From the bottom drawer, at the pack, she pulled out the packet of foil, lighter and glass pipe, wrapped with an old rubber band — something she shouldnt have held onto, but did, as if she somehow knew this day would come again. And it had. To go back to Susan meant going back all the way back, to all of it. It was otherwise unbearable.

It felt like fate as she walked out of her door, got into her car, and drove toward Santa Monica, to Market Street, looking for Louis, standing in the shadows, the man who kept dragons in his pockets. It took several pullovers at several corners before she found him, at the alley on a side street. She parked her car, got out, her breath cold in her chest, lightning at her throat, hot and cold. And the old old hunger.

Louis face registered joy and dismay at seeing her. Lara! Girl, what you doin down here? He looked hard at her face, read defeat in her eyes. Lara, you don wanna be doin this no more.

Yes, she whispered and nodded, I do.

Louis shook his head. Darlin, you got free of it, why you wanna hitch that ride again? Lara just looked at him. He read the truth of it in her eyes. Susan?

She closed her eyes.

He knew. Her need told him. She couldnt walk back into all that with all her nerves clean and alive. Tell me you not spikin, now, girl, that get me upset.

No.

He pulled out several bags and glassine decks from his pockets, fanned them out in his hand, before picking out the right ones. This is really good *****, Lara, the best dragon I got. Now you need to get to where you got to go before you smoke this, you hear?

Yeah, Louis, thanks. She reached into the pocket of her skirt, but he grabbed her wrist.

Naw, Lady, I cant take pay from you. Cause Id really love nothin more than to send you away with nothin. It hurts my heart, Lara. I wont take your money to put your feet back out there again.

Lara dropped her head to hide the tears gathering underneath her lashes. Louis pressed the drugs into her hand, and hugged her hard. Im so sorry, girl, I really am.

She sat in her car for a long time, before turning the key, firing the ignition, and allowing the autopilot to take over. The car took her to Susans street, Susans house. She parked under a streetlight, the glow of the sodium arc drifting like faint coral light through her windshield.

Car key turned on, engine silent, she put Emmylou into the CD player, and keyed up The Pearl from Red Dirt Girl. Susan always loved that song, loved to listen to it while she watched Lara get high.

Oh the dragons are gonna fly tonight.
Theyre circlin low and inside tonight.

With hands so steady they surprised her, she unfolded the foil square, shook out a cone of heroin, lit the lighter underneath. The glass tube felt cold and smooth against her lips. As the heroin began to cook and smoke, she inhaled deeply, held it deeply, felt the velvet fist enfold her, obliviate everything but that soft white cocoon that only heroin brings. Every cell relaxed, embraced the drug-pleasure, as if drinking the sweetest water after the longest exile in a dry desert of exposed nerves and disappointed wantings. Here, there were no feelings, no fear, no regret. There was only the dragon. And it was flying tonight. Lara fell back against the car seat and smiled.

– x –

Cold fear flushed through Rae when she recognized Lees bike parked outside the club. She had hoped only to report in to Susan, go home, and get righteously fucked up. Joey said the smack was top shelf *****, barely stepped on. Just what she needed. That and a long hot shower to wash off the stench of guilt she felt that covered her like sweat. Being caught between Susan and Lee was about as much fun as being chained hand and foot and whipped hard, something she didnt enjoy and, fortunately for her, neither did Lee. What Lee did enjoy was bad enough.

Rae reached into a side pocket of her oversized purse for the pill bottle, shook two into her hand and dry-swallowed them. The distancing numbness that Vicodin gave her would get her through the next hour anyway. Then she walked into the club, where the music was throbbing, the lights were flashing, and bodies grinding hard in search of a moments pleasure.

She headed straight to the restroom to check her appearance. Lee liked her with wisps of hair escaping the tieback and curling around her face; Susan liked it swept up, off her neck, every hair in place. That was a lose-lose proposition tonight. At least she could freshen her makeup. Her shirt was open enough to give Lee or Susan, or both, a taste of what they liked to see, while keeping the new burn concealed. She was wearing those new low-slung leather pants that made her feel desirable.

Boots. Oh *****, she was wearing soft leather boots. That would make her another two inches taller than Lee. She decided to slip them off, fold them into her bag, and just go barefoot. Walking through spilled liquor and god only knows what else was better than triggering Lees insecurity about her height. Susan wouldnt like it though.

She braced herself on the sink, and leaned forward, resting her forehead on the mirror. For one brief moment this evening, she had tasted freedom on Shanes lips. If only she had Laras courage, she would walk away from both Susan and Lee. But all she had were the drugs. She stood up, smoothed her lip gloss with a finger now as comfortably numb as the rest of her. The Vicodin had kicked in. She was ready to face the dark now.

As she stepped through the door, the dark was waiting for her. Lee gave her a long slow up and down look, the corners of her mouth smiling appreciatively as she undressed her with her eyes. She reached out her hand. Rae took it. Lee pulled her into a crushing embrace, kissed her hard, forcing her tongue deep into Raes mouth while one hand rode lower and lower down Raes back, fingers digging into her flesh as she went. The smaller woman abruptly pulled back, bored into Rae with her dark gleaming eyes.

Susan wants to see you. Dont take too long.

Rae fell back against the door jamb, breathless from the kiss, and what Lee had aroused in her. A dark want that washed away any luminosity in her. Susan would smell it on her, just as Lee intended. She followed Lee into the back of the club, where Lee had a booth just off the hallway leading to Susans office. Two other girls, barely clad in full leather regalia, were sitting in the booth.

Holding court tonight? Rae tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

Lee shrugged noncommittally, looked down at Raes bare feet. Careful where you step.

Rae lowered her head, nodded in agreement, and walked down the hall and into Susans office, ignoring what was going on in the rooms to either side along the way. She knocked at the door and waited for Susan to invite her in. The club owner was seated her desk, the paper-cluttered surface illuminated by a desk lamp, her face glowed in the light of the computer monitor off to her left. Susan leaned back, rocking in her office chair, and sipped her drink. So?

Rae nodded. Yes.

And?

Rae hesitated. She was as devastated as you could expect her to be.

Tell me, Susan smiled, pinpoints of light dancing in her eyes like stars.

Rae recounted Laras reactions in painful detail. The Vicodin blunted the worst of her guilt but not all of it, not by a long shot.

Will she come, do you think? Susans face was sober.

I dont know, Rae shrugged. I hope not, she thought to herself. She was really upset at what you might do with the tape.

What I *will* do, Susans eyes gleamed in the lamplight, unless she sees things my way.

Rae nodded silently.

Well, Susan sighed in satisfaction, youve done well, Rae. Im pleased with you. She took another sip from her drink. It seems to me youve earned a reward. She closed the account ledger on her desk, shut down the computer, stood up and walked around the desk. She stopped when she saw Raes bare feet. Her face immediately registered displeasure.

Lees here, Rae stammered. I was wearing boots. You know how she is about.I put them in my purse.

Susan leaned back against the corner of the desk. I see. Well, all right, well play Lees game tonight. Go on out and sit with her. Ill be out in a minute.

Rachel nodded unhappily. Susan was about to put her in an impossible situation with Lee, and was enjoying it, as always. She walked back out into the bar and joined the smaller woman at the booth. Susan followed shortly. Lee motioned to the leather girls to leave, offered Susan a seat.

How are ya, Susan?

Fine, Lee, and you?

Good.

The two women eyed each other over the tops of their drinks for a few minutes, making small talk, circling one another, each looking for the right opening.

I didnt mean to separate you from your company this evening, Susan smiled.

Oh theyll be back. They know better than to go far. Lees eyes hardened.

Susan stiffened. Well, since youve got quite a bit on your plate, I hope you dont mind if I borrow Rae this evening. Shes been very helpful to me lately, and I thought I might treat her to a special evening.

Are you sure shes up to it, Susan? She must be worn out from chasing your runaway. Ive hardly seen her all week.

Susans eyes blazed. Do you have something to say to me, Lee?

Rae shriveled and pressed herself against the back of the booth. Lee was not reading Susans signals clearly at all. Of course, she hadnt been herself lately, so that probably was contributing to her reckless behavior this evening.

Lee shook her head, downed her drink, flagged a waitress for a refill. Shes mine, Susan. Unless youre thinking of taking back what you gave me. Your reputation has already taken a beating around here and if I were you

Susan stood up, face darkening in rage, and spoke so quietly that Lee had to strain to hear her words above the music. You are NOT me, Lee. You never were. You never will be. And MY reputation is not YOUR concern. Now I did you the courtesy of asking. Ill not be so polite a second time. The threat was clear.

Lee blinked and broke off the stare. Sure, yeah, Susanhey, I was just yankin your chain a little. Of course, you can borrow Rae tonight. I mean, youre head domo around here. Everybody knows that. Lee motioned Rae with her head.

Thank you for your understanding, Lee, Susan smiled tightly, pulled Rae to her feet, and led her slowly toward the exit, her hand possessively stroking the blondes back. In a half hour, everyone would know about the stare-down. She stopped outside the restroom. Go ahead and put your boots back on. I like my women tall, she grinned.

– x –

End Part Seventeen