The next two days passed normally. Tina worked at her shop, ate alone, and spent the long hours at night in the quiet of her small home. She cleaned, organized, and spent a lot of time thinking. The more she thought about her situation, the less clear it became. When you couldn’t think something out, she reasoned at night, staring at her whitewashed wooden ceiling, you were supposed to listen to your heart and go with what you felt. She listened to her heart and heard nothing, felt nothing much. She thought from all angles about what would make her happy. Unable to come to a decision that way, she thought about what choice would leave her the most sad. She knew from experience that sadness was a much more lasting emotion than happiness. And there were some types of sadness that never went away – it was only ignored, a persistent whisper drowned out temporarily by other things. She didn’t know what would make her happier – staying with Grant? moving on with her life? – or what would make her more sad.

Sometimes while she was working she imagined what it would be like taking Grant back. She knew in time she could forgive him for what he had done, but right now, whenever she thought of herself and Grant building their lives together the way she planned, the fantasy was interrupted by the cold reality of his betrayal. She had pinned all her hopes for the future on his love. He had thrown their dreams away. It was too much for her to bear, thinking of him and Shelley together. Whenever her mind pictured him with a baby that wasn’t hers it stabbed at her heart mercilessly. Yet she knew she still cared for him. It had taken her a lot to open up and trust him. It had taken even more for her to let herself love him. Did she love him enough to fight through all the pain she felt and try to save their relationship? She didn’t have an answer, even though the question stayed on her mind day and night. She wished she had someone to talk to.

She hadn’t seen Bette since their dinner two nights ago. Neither of them was the type to make firm plans just now, and they had parted agreeing that they would see one another around and hang out again soon. Tina supposed she could give explaining all of this to Bette a try, but she didn’t want to reveal that much of her heart to someone she just met. Still, she would like to hang out with someone, rather than be mired in her own thoughts. It was her own fault that she didn’t have a friend to confide in. She’d been living in Mercy long enough to have built some solid relationships by now. Her two part-time employees at the store were older ladies that Tina wouldn’t feel comfortable having a deep conversation with. She had chosen to be alone instead of building relationships with people her own age, except for Grant. And it had suited her fine, until now. She was just going to have to live with the consequences.