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Best For Me – (Chapter: There’s not earthly way of knowing)
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Spencer bit her lip and reached out to Ashley. It was all she could do. She knew that anything she had to say would not be enough. Not enough to tell the other girl that she knew how much it hurt. Not enough to say that it was ok. Not enough to say that it was going to be ok. So she just reached out.
But Ashley did not take her hand. Instead she played with her nails, and Spencer ended up letting her palm softly rest on the other girls bent kneecap. “Ash…”
“There’s nothing you can say Spencer. Nothing is going to change what I did… or what it means. Seven long years hasn’t changed what I did… or who I am.”
“Oh Ash, you don’t need to be anyone but who you are.”
“How can you say that?” Ashley’s head flew up. “After what I did, after what I just told you…”
“What you just told me Ash, was that in a time of great need, when you had nowhere else to turn, you made a mistake. And that it had some unfortunate consequences. And that it was just that Ash, a mistake. We all make them.” Spencer’s voice was soft. She drew her own knees up to her chest and rested her chin on one of them. Tracing a pattern on Ashley’s knee she spoke up again, “It doesn’t make you a bad person forever Ashley.”
The brunette snorted in response. “Now you’re being stupid.”
“Ashley… God I can see how this hurts. How it’s not going to stop, but you cannot beat yourself up over this forever.”
“Want to bet?” Ashley grimaced and looked down. “Spencer, I don’t want to hurt you.”
And then Spencer knew what it was really all about. This wasn’t just about Ashley’s past, although god knows the girl was clearly cut to ribbons by it. It was also about her future, about their future. Spencer trod very, very carefully.
“Ashley, even though the hurt is still very fresh, you have changed you know. In seven years.” She ignored the other girls derisive noise. “Would you do it again?”
“God no!” the brunette exploded, “How could you thin-“
“I don’t” Spencer cut in. “And I never did but you had to say it to yourself. That it was a mistake. That you learned from it and would never do it again because that’s what we do with mistakes Ashley, we learn from them.” Spencer sighed. “You think what you did was bad, fine, it was. But I know you Ashley, and as much as you might not believe me, I know why you did what you did. One of those dark things we all promise ourselves we’d never do and then we do in a fit of pain. But you are you now, and you are wonderful.”
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OMG, i cant beleive spencer took it THAT well. But hey, ashley never answered the question if she would do it to spencer. Bish. She needs to answer that question. lol And yeah, i know a lot about forgiving people, and i know that if someone does something TRUELY horrible, you can look at it as “but they wont ever do it again and they havent done it since” but that memory is still there. And a bit of that hatred…but thats if it happens to you personally. I dont know about it happening to someone else. But yeah, and FYI, i felt horrible for yesterdays comment. It was sooo much shorter than most of everybody’s comments. And right after i promised you a long comment. Yeah, so im deffinatley miaking it up to you with this one. lol And is it possible for this story to get any better? Im sure you have the power to make it happen. *shrugs* I cant wait to read what happens next…b/c it just rocks like that. Yeah thats right, it rocks my fluffin socks into the middle of the street…then im sad, cause im sock-less. Oh well, ill go buy some more for you to rock off! hahaha. PMS
Oh my God. I haven’t even read this yet and I wanna say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for posting again today! Ok, now I’m gonna go read;)
i really like the song at the end.
Woo! Another post. How many does that make for today alone? I don’t care, I just care that you posted. I’m loving this! It’s like a post-a-palooza! Sweeeeeeet! *Gives Cheeky Grin* Yayayayayayayayay! :) I’m so happy! Not about Spencer and Ashley’s position, mind you, but just the fact that they are farther along. And I have this to say to Ashley. I know you’re down in the dumps but Spencer is right there. She doesn’t care if you’ve been dumpster diving, or if you smell to the high heavens. She needs you and you need her. That’s all I got. Post more soon Please!
You have no idea how much I was craving another post from you. I didn’t even dare hope for it, which of course didn’t stop me from refreshing the main page five times in the last hour… and lo and behold! My silent pleas have been heard and my wish granted! Another amazing piece of the story and now it’s back to refreshing the main page for me again, hoping for another miracle. :P What can I say… anatomy is driving me crazy. I actually kinda like it, but not when it’s being shoved down my throat at this rate. Guess it’s back to the tractus digestivus for me. There’s no more fun to be had at 1 am and it’s gonna keep bringing me joy for hours to come. And I have to get up early to vote… Well, at least I feel sorry enough for myself so that no one has to bother anymore, haha. Oh, and is it bad that ‘erectile dysfunction’ makes me giggle? :P
I don’t think that Ashley will hurt Spencer again. And she did answer her question and said she’d never make the same mistake again. I can only imagine what its like to lose someone you love. I have friend’s who’ve lost their husband/boyfriend. And even though their relationship wasn’t perfect (cheating involved) they still miss them and compare them to their current boyfriend/husband. Which I don’t get because I’m like “you’re happier now, right”? They even admit to having a guy (now) without as many faults but, still my friends get depressed with wonder and what if often. What Ashley did was hella wrong but, she was scared. I wish Ashley would’ve let Spencer stay or went back to Spencer’s, though. I’m so looking forward to lasgana on friday. Can I put in a request? Garlic Bread and salad on the side;) Pms please…pretty with cheese and a leather whip;)
Great follow thru, S. Right where I hoped this would lay. Serious business here, and just as Ashley’s house of cards, this whole thing could collapse at the hands of a subtle breeze. Spencer can’t help but imagine various scenarios. Who wouldn’t? Yes, it will always be the fly on the wall. But, as Spencer expressed, she could be ready to move forward with Ashley if she knew that Ashley’s love was genuine. And I think it is. But…will Ashley allow it to be? Or will she let the guilt over Lisa suffocate her current happiness? If it has been seven years since Lisa died, that means a lot in terms of Ashley’s breakdown. Spencer has no idea if this is an isolated incident or if this happens with every woman Ashley falls in love with? This all falls back to Spencer’s question: “Why are you worried you will?” Again, what Ashley did is in the past, but for Ashley, it is ever in the present. Spencer divulging feelings may tilt the boat in her favor…or it may capsize. The feelings on both ends are genuine. I believe this. But, will that matter if Ashley cannot get past the pain and guilt over Lisa? You have put these women in such a wonderously complex situation, S. I love it! This shit isn’t solved over nite. Now, we can only wait and see how strong each one really is. We all have a past. Not all of it is good. But, we learn and move on. If that can’t be accomplished, then we will never find peace…nor will we ever allow someone who really cares for us, to love us. Yay for updates!!!
you know over 200 people have viewed this story in less than an hour. Damn girl, you’re good.
did I say I love you already? lol. love this story too, obviously. will love both you and it even more if you post more soon, cos I’m greedy and can’t get enough! I want them to be happy *pouts*. :-D Jx
bannerman my love, who knew you were lurking! Can I just point out that another update might be considered super human at this point… geez. I have to go to work. For the first time in 5 days cos i’ve been sick. but i have 3 days off from tomorrow lol so, there will be mega updateyness, i hope.
well, I hope you’re actually feeling better and not just going to work cos you feel inclined to! and what can I say about the lurking? I’ll actually deny it – thought I’d check this place out before I go to bed – manic day tomorrow – auditions for a show I’m organizing, random training sessions and a night in the Tv studio – all good fun! :-D I look forward to reading your next updates… and I’d say you’re already at that super human stage what with the ace writing and frequent posting; would another update class you as an ubersuperhuman? hmm, I’ll leave you to ponder that as I go to my bed! Jxx
Wow that was a real touching update. Cant wait to see the next update. PMS
i really like where you’ve taken this with ashley. i see the issue for her recent breakdown not being her guilt over her betrayal of lisa just before she died…but instead, the fact that she feels guilty for actually being happy now. her last happiness was with lisa…and in this update ashley accused herself of having forgotten her. it’s no wonder ashley fell off the wagon. she’s in love again, happy again, has let go of her guilt and now feels a new guilt over that. my thoughts seem to be circling in upon themselves…must be the fumes from the silicone caulk. very believable scenario…unfortunately. why do we expect more of ourselves than we do of others? beautiful update. now go help the sick and injured so you can come back to us and update on your time off. glad you are well again!
Okay, so even though by first lovely comment got eaten, I couldn’t not comment. I’m looking forward to meeting Fred the Lasagna now that I’ve become well acquainted with FRD the saying. I’m also looking forward to Zee dedicating an update to MEEEEEEEE tomorrow – HA! Are you jealous? Are you? Well, don’t be. I’ll miss you while I’m away. Le sigh. The goobers started eating the drywall but chipped their teeth on the granite facade and learned a very valuable lesson about eating houses. Well, the visit was fun, but since I’m off to D.C. I’m sending them back. They’ll be nice and tuckered out with so many trans-global swims in the last two days. Make sure you let me know if they make it safely. Also, good luck finding Spence and Ash again, but I think that cyborg goat may have come back with a vengence. Jesus said he spotted it looking mighty sneaking somewhere around Canberra and heading south last week. Just a heads up.
Great spence listing to ash 1 min at a time ash let specer help she will b their
Sorry for being quiet with the posting….but I’ve still been reading and I must proclaim, here and now, my love for you. I LOVE YOU. There, I’ve done it…..that feels better. Moving on, your story has me entranced. First the yummy Spashley moment and then the drama…i think it was perfect and I’m dying to see how Ashley deals with this new difficulty. PLEASE keep posting all day, everyday. I am an addict.
YAY! Another new post! I should be studying but it’s like the best fanfic ever! I miss Spence + Elly + Ashley family time. It’s the cutest :D
well spencer reacted as well as she could. but i can’t help but feel she reacted like that at the spur of the moment to console ash, cos she hasn’t got the time to process yet. when she does it’s gonna eat her up too. so can’t wait for your next post to see what happens. biting my nails in anticipation!!
So cool…and so tru. Spencer listening, then we get to watch as she goes through her own internal process regarding what she’s hearing. Good bit of writing…hell, good bit of story development :-D Can’t wait to see where this all goes. PMS!!!!
OMG, i cant beleive spencer took it THAT well. But hey, ashley never answered the question if she would do it to spencer. Bish. She needs to answer that question. lol And yeah, i know a lot about forgiving people, and i know that if someone does something TRUELY horrible, you can look at it as “but they wont ever do it again and they havent done it since” but that memory is still there. And a bit of that hatred…but thats if it happens to you personally. I dont know about it happening to someone else. But yeah, and FYI, i felt horrible for yesterdays comment. It was sooo much shorter than most of everybody’s comments. And right after i promised you a long comment. Yeah, so im deffinatley miaking it up to you with this one. lol And is it possible for this story to get any better? Im sure you have the power to make it happen. *shrugs* I cant wait to read what happens next…b/c it just rocks like that. Yeah thats right, it rocks my fluffin socks into the middle of the street…then im sad, cause im sock-less. Oh well, ill go buy some more for you to rock off! hahaha. PMS
Oh my God. I haven’t even read this yet and I wanna say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for posting again today! Ok, now I’m gonna go read;)
i really like the song at the end.
Woo! Another post. How many does that make for today alone? I don’t care, I just care that you posted. I’m loving this! It’s like a post-a-palooza! Sweeeeeeet! *Gives Cheeky Grin* Yayayayayayayayay! :) I’m so happy! Not about Spencer and Ashley’s position, mind you, but just the fact that they are farther along. And I have this to say to Ashley. I know you’re down in the dumps but Spencer is right there. She doesn’t care if you’ve been dumpster diving, or if you smell to the high heavens. She needs you and you need her. That’s all I got. Post more soon Please!
You have no idea how much I was craving another post from you. I didn’t even dare hope for it, which of course didn’t stop me from refreshing the main page five times in the last hour… and lo and behold! My silent pleas have been heard and my wish granted! Another amazing piece of the story and now it’s back to refreshing the main page for me again, hoping for another miracle. :P What can I say… anatomy is driving me crazy. I actually kinda like it, but not when it’s being shoved down my throat at this rate. Guess it’s back to the tractus digestivus for me. There’s no more fun to be had at 1 am and it’s gonna keep bringing me joy for hours to come. And I have to get up early to vote… Well, at least I feel sorry enough for myself so that no one has to bother anymore, haha. Oh, and is it bad that ‘erectile dysfunction’ makes me giggle? :P
I don’t think that Ashley will hurt Spencer again. And she did answer her question and said she’d never make the same mistake again. I can only imagine what its like to lose someone you love. I have friend’s who’ve lost their husband/boyfriend. And even though their relationship wasn’t perfect (cheating involved) they still miss them and compare them to their current boyfriend/husband. Which I don’t get because I’m like “you’re happier now, right”? They even admit to having a guy (now) without as many faults but, still my friends get depressed with wonder and what if often. What Ashley did was hella wrong but, she was scared. I wish Ashley would’ve let Spencer stay or went back to Spencer’s, though. I’m so looking forward to lasgana on friday. Can I put in a request? Garlic Bread and salad on the side;) Pms please…pretty with cheese and a leather whip;)
Great follow thru, S. Right where I hoped this would lay. Serious business here, and just as Ashley’s house of cards, this whole thing could collapse at the hands of a subtle breeze. Spencer can’t help but imagine various scenarios. Who wouldn’t? Yes, it will always be the fly on the wall. But, as Spencer expressed, she could be ready to move forward with Ashley if she knew that Ashley’s love was genuine. And I think it is. But…will Ashley allow it to be? Or will she let the guilt over Lisa suffocate her current happiness? If it has been seven years since Lisa died, that means a lot in terms of Ashley’s breakdown. Spencer has no idea if this is an isolated incident or if this happens with every woman Ashley falls in love with? This all falls back to Spencer’s question: “Why are you worried you will?” Again, what Ashley did is in the past, but for Ashley, it is ever in the present. Spencer divulging feelings may tilt the boat in her favor…or it may capsize. The feelings on both ends are genuine. I believe this. But, will that matter if Ashley cannot get past the pain and guilt over Lisa? You have put these women in such a wonderously complex situation, S. I love it! This shit isn’t solved over nite. Now, we can only wait and see how strong each one really is. We all have a past. Not all of it is good. But, we learn and move on. If that can’t be accomplished, then we will never find peace…nor will we ever allow someone who really cares for us, to love us. Yay for updates!!!
you know over 200 people have viewed this story in less than an hour. Damn girl, you’re good.
did I say I love you already? lol. love this story too, obviously. will love both you and it even more if you post more soon, cos I’m greedy and can’t get enough! I want them to be happy *pouts*. :-D Jx
bannerman my love, who knew you were lurking! Can I just point out that another update might be considered super human at this point… geez. I have to go to work. For the first time in 5 days cos i’ve been sick. but i have 3 days off from tomorrow lol so, there will be mega updateyness, i hope.
well, I hope you’re actually feeling better and not just going to work cos you feel inclined to! and what can I say about the lurking? I’ll actually deny it – thought I’d check this place out before I go to bed – manic day tomorrow – auditions for a show I’m organizing, random training sessions and a night in the Tv studio – all good fun! :-D I look forward to reading your next updates… and I’d say you’re already at that super human stage what with the ace writing and frequent posting; would another update class you as an ubersuperhuman? hmm, I’ll leave you to ponder that as I go to my bed! Jxx
Wow that was a real touching update. Cant wait to see the next update. PMS
i really like where you’ve taken this with ashley. i see the issue for her recent breakdown not being her guilt over her betrayal of lisa just before she died…but instead, the fact that she feels guilty for actually being happy now. her last happiness was with lisa…and in this update ashley accused herself of having forgotten her. it’s no wonder ashley fell off the wagon. she’s in love again, happy again, has let go of her guilt and now feels a new guilt over that. my thoughts seem to be circling in upon themselves…must be the fumes from the silicone caulk. very believable scenario…unfortunately. why do we expect more of ourselves than we do of others? beautiful update. now go help the sick and injured so you can come back to us and update on your time off. glad you are well again!
Okay, so even though by first lovely comment got eaten, I couldn’t not comment. I’m looking forward to meeting Fred the Lasagna now that I’ve become well acquainted with FRD the saying. I’m also looking forward to Zee dedicating an update to MEEEEEEEE tomorrow – HA! Are you jealous? Are you? Well, don’t be. I’ll miss you while I’m away. Le sigh. The goobers started eating the drywall but chipped their teeth on the granite facade and learned a very valuable lesson about eating houses. Well, the visit was fun, but since I’m off to D.C. I’m sending them back. They’ll be nice and tuckered out with so many trans-global swims in the last two days. Make sure you let me know if they make it safely. Also, good luck finding Spence and Ash again, but I think that cyborg goat may have come back with a vengence. Jesus said he spotted it looking mighty sneaking somewhere around Canberra and heading south last week. Just a heads up.
Great spence listing to ash 1 min at a time ash let specer help she will b their
Sorry for being quiet with the posting….but I’ve still been reading and I must proclaim, here and now, my love for you. I LOVE YOU. There, I’ve done it…..that feels better. Moving on, your story has me entranced. First the yummy Spashley moment and then the drama…i think it was perfect and I’m dying to see how Ashley deals with this new difficulty. PLEASE keep posting all day, everyday. I am an addict.
YAY! Another new post! I should be studying but it’s like the best fanfic ever! I miss Spence + Elly + Ashley family time. It’s the cutest :D
well spencer reacted as well as she could. but i can’t help but feel she reacted like that at the spur of the moment to console ash, cos she hasn’t got the time to process yet. when she does it’s gonna eat her up too. so can’t wait for your next post to see what happens. biting my nails in anticipation!!
So cool…and so tru. Spencer listening, then we get to watch as she goes through her own internal process regarding what she’s hearing. Good bit of writing…hell, good bit of story development :-D Can’t wait to see where this all goes. PMS!!!!
*holds out hand for a smacking* i couldnt help it. i tried not to but i just couldnt help it. this wasnt nearly as intense as i thought it was going to be. house of cards. where do i know that from?(not implying things btw) lovely. how fiction immates life. on so many levels here. so many for me. and you dont even know the half of it. i truely enjoyed reading that. and i’ve regained an intrest in this story. its taken a wonderful detour, kinda like bopping off on the the Benton MacKaye trail off the AT. you dont know what you’re going to get but you can rest assured it’s going to be fantastic and breath taking. picture worthy leaving memories forever etched in your mind and heart. no matter how you try to escape things they are always there. but theyre only as ugly as you let them be. only as bad as they appear in your minds eye. THANK YOU so much for turning me on to the Whitlams. Listening to them today made me so happy. i had such a terrific day. bebopping and meandering around campus singing “i will not go quitely i will not behave myself” such a great day. 180 of yesterday. you know, thats why i went ahead and read this. and i’m glad i did. i dont want to have to play catch up with your stories. ‘i was my own man, can ya’ll say that. I was my own man yeah i was the shit.” Dont know why i said that, but its true. thanks for everything esp this fic
*holds out hand for a smacking* i couldnt help it. i tried not to but i just couldnt help it. this wasnt nearly as intense as i thought it was going to be. house of cards. where do i know that from?(not implying things btw) lovely. how fiction immates life. on so many levels here. so many for me. and you dont even know the half of it. i truely enjoyed reading that. and i’ve regained an intrest in this story. its taken a wonderful detour, kinda like bopping off on the the Benton MacKaye trail off the AT. you dont know what you’re going to get but you can rest assured it’s going to be fantastic and breath taking. picture worthy leaving memories forever etched in your mind and heart. no matter how you try to escape things they are always there. but theyre only as ugly as you let them be. only as bad as they appear in your minds eye. THANK YOU so much for turning me on to the Whitlams. Listening to them today made me so happy. i had such a terrific day. bebopping and meandering around campus singing “i will not go quitely i will not behave myself” such a great day. 180 of yesterday. you know, thats why i went ahead and read this. and i’m glad i did. i dont want to have to play catch up with your stories. ‘i was my own man, can ya’ll say that. I was my own man yeah i was the shit.” Dont know why i said that, but its true. thanks for everything esp this fic