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    Diary of Jane

    It’s been a year of searching heavily through the pages for some kind of emotion directed towards me. Every night I would walk to the bookshelf and pull out the leather book and sit at my desk. Carefully I would undo the frail leather that bonded it shut. I would turn to the first page and read every word, every syllable, every letter and every little piece of punctuation. I could never find what I was looking for.

     

    It had taken me two weeks to find the courage to open your diary. It was such an invasion of privacy. Part of me wanted to say that I should show you more respect than to read it and the other part of me told me that you didn’t care, you were dead. I expected to find myself on at least one of the pages, but I wasn’t in there. You told me once that I was everything to you, but here are your inner most personal thoughts and I’m not in them. Every night, I turn the page looking into the black ink that you used to write in. I wasn’t there either.

     

    If I had it my way, I would die today and be buried by your side tomorrow. We could be together even after death and maybe then you would realize how much you meant to me, or how much your diary hurt me. I should walk into traffic and get hit by a car so I can earn a place in your diary. I will put a note in my pocket that says I wish to be buried next to you just because it’s nowhere near what you want.

     

    If I had to

    I would put myself right beside you

    So let me ask

    Would you like that?

    Would you like that?

     

    I turn the page again and scan the words and letters looking for some kind of evidence that I even exist to you. Why isn’t it here? I turn the page again although by the anger I can feel, I know I should stop, but I can’t. I have to find it. Over the year of time I have become obsessed with finding something that wasn’t there. I need to let it go, you go, but I won’t.

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    Comments

    1. wow that was some pretty powerful stuff. Your writing gets better and better every time, that one was tugging at my little heart strings! It’s still sad at the end though – bittersweet!

    2. wow that was some pretty powerful stuff. Your writing gets better and better every time, that one was tugging at my little heart strings! It’s still sad at the end though – bittersweet!

    3. wow. peanut. that is the best thing you’ve written yet. I loved it. (glad you never told us how she died) what emotions you’ve brought up in me. that was fantastic. and i’m talking in circles cause the head/stomaches are taking over. but know that i loved this.

    4. wow. peanut. that is the best thing you’ve written yet. I loved it. (glad you never told us how she died) what emotions you’ve brought up in me. that was fantastic. and i’m talking in circles cause the head/stomaches are taking over. but know that i loved this.

    5. GAH! Halfway through i was CONVINCED it was going to end up being Ash’s dad. But no, you had to kill Spencer. GAH! You made me sad! You little bugger! You write too well now, go back to the way you used to write when you didn’t stir my emotions damn you. *throws hands in air* WHAT HAVE WE CREATED??

    6. GAH! Halfway through i was CONVINCED it was going to end up being Ash’s dad. But no, you had to kill Spencer. GAH! You made me sad! You little bugger! You write too well now, go back to the way you used to write when you didn’t stir my emotions damn you. *throws hands in air* WHAT HAVE WE CREATED??

    7. This story was emotionally exhausting for me. I love every second of it. I didn’t exactly like that Spencer was dead but I guess thats the way it is. And BTW, I really love that song. Breaking Benjamin is an awesome band.

    8. This story was emotionally exhausting for me. I love every second of it. I didn’t exactly like that Spencer was dead but I guess thats the way it is. And BTW, I really love that song. Breaking Benjamin is an awesome band.

    9. haha, clomle is so right, i thought it was your dad at first too., fgnre uigbi trg. and you know exactly how to make us completely devistated or estatic, and its not fair!

    10. haha, clomle is so right, i thought it was your dad at first too., fgnre uigbi trg. and you know exactly how to make us completely devistated or estatic, and its not fair!

    11. well i dont know what to say that hasnt been said already. but its was fantastic, magnificent peanut. i love your writing. :] and you of course peanut.

    12. well i dont know what to say that hasnt been said already. but its was fantastic, magnificent peanut. i love your writing. :] and you of course peanut.

    13. stylo you’ve got that song stick in my head now and i love it! this is an amazing and utterly sensational piece of writing. you brought out the sadness perfectly and yet still managed to end it on a beautiful note.

    14. stylo you’ve got that song stick in my head now and i love it! this is an amazing and utterly sensational piece of writing. you brought out the sadness perfectly and yet still managed to end it on a beautiful note.

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