I couldn’t help but feel like the moment that I got married it would change everything between her and I. That shouldn’t change our friendship. It seemed like every silence between the two of us lately was awkward. It shouldn’t be. We had been friends forever. I loved hanging out with her. She knew everything. She knew my every weakness, my every flaw. I just didn’t understand why this was such a problem.

When Rachel got home I didn’t say much. She knew something was wrong, but I didn’t tell her. She had never been completely comfortable with the fact that Spencer hung around. She knew what Spencer meant to me in the past. When we first dated it was a year after Spencer and I broke up. I was still stuck on her. I felt like I needed to wait as long as possible until she finally realized that our relationship was the real deal. But that time never came. I hurt Rachel in the process. I used her as a stepping stone to get over Spencer. The moment that Spencer found out that Rachel and I were together she went ballistic. She told me that I wouldn’t need her anymore, that we wouldn’t be as close anymore. Around two years later I asked her why she said that when she found out. She told me that it was because before Rachel and I got together it was like she was always mine. But we weren’t together at all that year. I just didn’t understand it. She kept telling me that she didn’t think of me that way. But if she didn’t think of me in that way why would she say that she felt like she was mine?

I will never forget anything from our past. We met in high school. It was during summer p.e. and we were playing soccer. No matter how hard I try, those events will forever be imbedded in my memory. Sometimes I wish that we would’ve met later in life rather than sooner. Maybe if we did then the events wouldn’t have unfolded the way that they did. And maybe we would be together now. But I decided years ago that I couldn’t wait for the moment to come when Spencer would realize that she did love me as more than just a friend.

~~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t know what to make of anything that I was feeling. Somewhere in my heart the fact that I could’ve had her so many times as my own flashed through my mind. She was the best woman that I know. She treated me amazingly. By far, she was too good for me. Why she ever fell in love with me I will never know.

She was getting married. MARRIED. The word sounded scary. I still remember all the plans that we had when we were together. We were going to get married. We were going to have children. The thought of it always made me smile. Something about Ash and children always made me want to experience it. I knew that she would be a great mother. I still had dreams about it. I still had dreams about her.

She was going to be proposing tomorrow night at dinner. I was supposed to be there along with numerous other friends that the two of them shared. She had bought Rachel a gorgeous diamond ring. It reminded me of the diamond necklace that she had bought me in high school. I never accepted it. Instead I gave it back to her and told her that I could never take it. If my memory serves me right, I think she gave it to her friend Samantha at the time.

These days were going to prove to be emotionally stressful. Luckily the place that we were going to have dinner at tomorrow night was going to have plenty of alcohol on hand. I didn’t know if I could deal with watching her get down on one knee and propose to the girl that she doesn’t belong with. But how could I make up for lost time? How could I make up for the hurt I would cause if I told her the truth?