~~~~~~~~

When I went home Rachel was sitting in front of her laptop finishing up a last minute study session for one of her college courses. I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t do this. I had just made out with Spencer. I had just told someone else that I loved them. The only problem was that I truly do love her. Rachel was in love with me. But what I felt for her never even came close. This is the moment that I’m supposed to know exactly what I want. But Spencer had said so many things in the past that she never even meant. She had filled my head with so many thoughts and wants. But then the time came where I let go enough to realize what the right thing to do was.

What was the right thing to do anymore? Should I let go of the girl that I kind-of loved? Or should I let go of the one girl that I completely loved? None of it made any sense anymore. My life never failed to throw me curve ball after curve ball. Whenever I was finally happy and believing that I was making the right choice the one thing that I wanted all along came back and wanted to be there. Just when I would let go of the right choice the one thing that I wanted would fall away again. It was a never ending battle that I had grown tired of fighting.

“How was coffee?”

I broke from my thoughts, “It was good. Aiden invited Madison. I forgot how long it had been since I had seen her.”

Rachel seemed to tense up when I said the name Madison, “Oh. That’s nice.”

“Well, I’m gonna change and head over to the gym.” I said as I walked to my closet.

“Okay. I have some small stuff to finish for one of my classes but I’ll definitely be free later.”

“Awesome,” But in all actuality it wasn’t awesome. I suddenly felt nothing. I felt dirty when she would try to be flirtatious. I quickly changed my clothes and practically ran out the door.

Rachel was always tense when it came to Spencer and Madison. Madison was the first girl that I ever fell for. She was my first taste of love. She was amazing. Mostly I loved her because she was so strong. She never let anyone walk on her. She didn’t care what people thought about her. That was what I loved the most about her. But she wasn’t gay or even bi. So nothing ever happened between us. That was a very painful experience. But it only made me stronger for what would come two years later.