Sometimes I imagine that I’ve dreamed all of this, and that I will soon wake up and everything will be normal. And sometimes, like when I’m in the shower, and I have to look at my naked body, I feel completely disgusted. I see my body and I remember her having her way with it. I remember being on that floor.

“I didn’t want to,” I get out in a very quiet voice.

I know that I am about to confess to my girlfriend, so I allow my arm to squeeze onto her even tighter. It’s like I am afraid to let go, I want to keep her there forever. “Didn’t want to what?” She wonders, still stroking my hair.

“No, you’re going to hate me,” I try to let her know. For some odd reason, I appear to be very sleepy. Sad and sleepy. And lost.

“Hate you?” She almost laughs, “Spencer, I could never hate you.”

Time went on and I didn’t say anything. All of a sudden, her “almost laugh” has completely disappeared. I know something is up because I can feel her body become very tense. She shifts, attempting to get away from me. “What?” I need to know.

“Did you….” she starts but pauses, “Did you….did you cheat on me!?”

Ok, now she sounds angry.

“No!”

“Oh, Spencer did you? I mean, really, did you? How could you? I can see it in your eyes, you did!” She exclaims as she starts to get up. I am quick to copy her movements, in order to se this mess straight. Cheat on Ashley? Yeah, right.

“I don’t know what you’re seeing in my eyes, but I never cheated on you! I would never, how can you even ask me that?” And with that, the tears are starting again. It’s a shame, all that comforting and now look at me….in tears again. It’s not my fault, I really can’t help it.

She must realize that I am being totally serious and honest because she nods her head and her voice goes back to being soft. “Ok, I’m sorry. I just….I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

“I said no,” I begin, not even paying any attention to the world around me. The world could fall apart right now, and I wouldn’t notice. I need to get this story out, regardless. “I tried…I really and truly did.” It’s very difficult for me to keep my gaze this time. It’s like I literally can’t look her in the eyes. I don’t want to see her when she finds out that some other girl has been there. I don’t want her to think I’m dirty. You know that’s how I  see myself these days. It’s hard not to, after what happened. Oh god, I feel like puking.

“Spencer….”

“I tried!” I shout, but I’m not angry. I’m depressed and lost and about to have a mental breakdown. Again, she must realize because she’s quick to my side. “I tried, Ashley, I did. But…I was…I was too weak. I was beaten.”

I think she senses what I’m about to confess, because for the second time today, I feel her body become tense. And she clutches onto me a little harder. “I didn’t want to,” I plead with her, as my face is drenched with wet, sticky tears. “Please don’t hate me,” I beg of her, for all my life. I don’t even know how to describe this lovely little scene for you. But I can say my face is red and puffy from these tears that I shed. And I can say that my body is shaking violently. And my balance is playing games with me. Basically, to sum up, Spencer Carlin…..mess. Complete and total mess.

“Spencer….” She repeats.

“I was raped.”