Chapter 6

It was a bright Saturday morning. Tina had gotten up early to make breakfast. She and Bette had decided that today they would discuss starting their family. Tina was excited. Through everything that had gone on in the last several months – losing the baby, losing her autonomy, almost losing the love of her life – Tina had to admit to herself that she had never lost the “baby hunger” she had felt for several years. This was something that she really wanted to do – and the only person she would ever consider doing it with was Bette.

Tina made her way from the kitchen to the bedroom. She quietly sat on the bed next to Bette who was still sound asleep. She whispered, “I love you Bette – I hope you’ll be able to hear what I have to say today. I want nothing more than to have a baby with you. But this time, I think we need to do things differently.” Tina stopped herself and wondered what she was doing – she was practicing her lines. She turned and stared out the window.

“Tina, I heard what you said.” Bette had been awake the entire time. Tina turned back to look at Bette.

“I didn’t know you were awake.” Tina wasn’t sure if she should feel embarrassed or relieved that Bette had heard her “practicing”.

Bette motioned for Tina to come closer. Tina leaned in and gave Bette a soft kiss on the lips. “This isn’t quite the way I had wanted to tell you how I was feeling about starting a family.”

Bette sat up in bed and looked at Tina intently – “So what exactly were you thinking my reaction would be?”

Tina didn’t answer.

“Tina, I want you to be honest with me. Please tell me exactly what you’re thinking – and feeling.”

“Ok – at the risk of sounding redundant, I love you Bette. Obviously you do want to hear what I have to say.” Tina smiled the sweetest smile Bette had ever seen. Bette smiled back at her.

“I think that one of the things we need to seriously think about is who we use as a donor. Bette, the last time – I know you were excited about the baby, but I kept getting the feeling that you were feeling left out. I really want this to be our baby – not my baby – our baby. Tina sighed – I really think we should use an unknown donor this time. I don’t know -it felt a little crowded last time. There was you, me, Marcus, his girlfriend – it was just alot to deal with. And I always had the thought in the back of my mind that if Marcus ever wanted to, he could make our life a living ***** by demanding his rights as the biological father of our child. I just couldn’t deal with that.”

“But Tina – don’t you want to know what the donor looks like – what his interests are – what he does for a living?”

“We can get most of that information through a donor profile. And no, looks, career, interests and all of that stuff are not as important to me as this being a child that you and I create for us – and only us. And I really believe that you will feel more connected to the baby and to me if you and I are the only ‘parents’ our child will ever have.”

“I have to admit that I did feel like I was kind of on the sideline last time. But understand Tina, that doesn’t mean that my love for you – or that baby was in any way lessened. I love you so much, and I fell in love with that baby the moment I saw his heart beating. ” Tears began to well in Bette’s eyes. ” I really hate to admit it, but when we lost the baby I felt that we lost a part of you – but not a part of me. Looking back, I did feel like an outsider looking in – not as connected as I had hoped I would have felt. Do I sound like some kind of a monster – because I feel like one.”

“Oh God Baby, no, you don’t sound like a monster – you just sound like someone who felt left out. I am so sorry you felt that way. That’s why I’d really like to use someone we don’t know. You know that this baby will be absolutely beautiful – no matter what!” Tina smiled at Bette. “Bette, the most important thing we can give our child is love – and we have enough of that to supply it to a soccer team.”

Bette smiled through her tears. “Please don’t tell me you want to have enough kids to make up a soccer team!”

Tina leaned in and ran her fingers through Bette’s hair. “You are absolutely beautiful – and no, I don’t want to give birth to a soccer team. But I do want to use an African American donor. I do want this child to reflect who we are. We’ll deal with all of the issues around that, having two moms, and whatever else comes up. I believe in us and I think you’re going to be an awesome mommy. So honestly, Babe, what do you think?”

“I think it sounds like a plan! And I think you’re going to be an awesome mommy too.”