Dear Bette,

I read your letter. Well, at first I threw it in the bin, because I recognised your handwriting on the envelope. But a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream later I got it back out, and read it.

Im glad youve realised how much influence your upbringing has had on you. I tried to make you see it before, and so has Kit, but you needed to see it for yourself. And Im glad that youre starting to let people in, because its a lonely world when youre by yourself.

You cant be perfect Bette, I never asked you to be. And, as for emotionless – thats the last thing Id ever want. But you seem to have discovered that for yourself, and Im proud of you.

I dont hate you. I could never hate you. But right now I am so angry. I gave you seven years of my life, I gave you my heart, my soul, my trust, and you betrayed me. You took away my pride and feeling of self-worth. Its a constant battle to keep images of you and her out of my mind, and its emotionally and physically draining.

But however angry I am at you, I am at least ten times angrier at myself. Because, despite it all, I still love you. And I hate it.

I find myself wondering what youre doing and where you are. I worry that youre not eating right, or that youre not getting enough sleep, or that youre over working. I hunger for your touch at the end of the day, and I hate it. I hate myself for being so weak.

I cant see you yet. Im scared that I will just give in and come back, because I dont think Im strong enough to resist you. Even though I know that if I did forgive you I would lose all my remaining dignity, I still dont think that I could refuse if you asked me.

If you want to save our relationship, we have to move forward. If we dont progress, then it will just be the same cycle over and over again. I have to find respect for myself first. I want to be Tina Kennard again, not Bette Porters wife.

Im going to start work again, that should help. Ive got a job back at my old place, but for a lot more money. Ill have a lot more creative freedom to do what I want, and Im really excited about it. I hope youll be pleased for me.

Im going to rent my own apartment too. Me and Alice went to look at some yesterday, and there was a really nice one, couple of blocks from Dana. Its small, but its got a study and a balcony, and its nice. Ill be taking some money out of our account for rent and utilities.

Im not going to throw away seven years of my life. When we stood up and said our vows in front of our friends I meant them, and I know you meant them too. I just need some time apart to get myself sorted out. Then we can work on us.

Dont call on Thursday, Ill call you. Oh, and say hi to Kit for me.

Love,

Tina

P.S. Dont be mad at Alice for not telling you about our apartment hunting – I asked her not to tell you. I thought it would be easier for you to hear it from me.






THANK YOU FOR ALL THE REVIEWS AND COMMENTS THAT HAVE BEEN POSTED – ITS NICE TO KNOW MY WRITINGS APPRECIATED!!! I HAVENT GIVEN UP ON THE LOVE, LIFE AND LONDON SERIES, I JUST HIT A DEAD END HALF WAY THROUGH CHAPTER 3. I STRUGGLE WITH STORIES THAT HAVE ANYTHING REMOTELY RESEMBLING A PLOT, SO IM ASKING FOR YOUR HELP. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS, ANYTHING YOUD LIKE THE GANG TO DO, OR ANY LITTLE STORYLINES YOU THINK WOULD WORK, THEN EMAIL ME AT tigerCOL_DE@hotmail.com AND I WILL TRY MY BEST!