Hey baby, its me Tina. I miss you so much. Its been two weeks since that horrible night. Two weeks of pure *****. For me and for everyone. I replay the events of that night over and over in my head wishing things had been different. Cause if they were different I wouldnt be here now. You would be in my arms and we would be happy. But youre not. I lost you that night. You died that night. You died trying to find me, to bring me home, to fix this mess. And a piece of me died that night too. Bette I died with you. I cant help but think that its all my fault. If I hadnt left…if I hadnt run out you wouldnt have been in your car looking for me. Then again if you hadnt cheated I wouldnt have had to leave. They said you probably didnt even see the truck. The driver lost control. They told me that you died instantly and didnt feel any pain like that would make it easier on me somehow. I dont think I have ever felt so much pain in my entire life. Alice tells me that I screamed for hours. That I fell to the floor rocking back and forth just repeating your name over and over. I just remember the doctor walking out towards us. I know he was speaking but I couldnt hear any words. It was silent. I saw Shane fall into a chair crying with her hands over her face. Alice and Dana hugged each other and cried. I kept wondering why they were so upset. You were fine. You were gonna be fine. Then Shane made her way over to me and I saw the look in her eyes. I knew. I knew you were gone. I felt it. My heart was ripped from my chest. I fell into her arms. Somehow they managed to get me home. To our home. As we walked in part of me was expecting you to burst through the door yelling at us for waking you up. You didnt. There was just silence. At that moment I felt sick and ran to the bathroom. I crawled into our bed and I could smell you. I curled up with your pillow and cried myself to sleep. I stayed in our bed for a week. Life just wasnt worth living without you. Every morning I would wake up and run around the house in search of you. I never found you. I was living in a nightmare except I would never wake up from this one. Alice, Dana, and Shane took turns watching me. I think it eased their pain because they could put all their focus on me. Last Saturday was your funeral. It was nice babe. There were pictures of you and Kit as kids, as well as us and the gang. The church was covered in flowers…all of your favorites. Kit sang you a song that she had wrote. Shane gave your eulogy. I have never seen her like that before Bette. She was so sad and broken. It was a beautiful speech though. You would have been proud of her. I wanted to speak but I couldnt. I couldnt form words. Later on at the cemetery, after everyone left, we all just sat there with you. I had them bury you here under this tree. I thought that you would like it here. God Bette part of me hates you so much. I hate you for cheating on me. I hate you leaving me without any answers. I hate you for leaving me. How am I supposed to live without you? You are my life. And the last time I saw you. It was horrible. The pain, the anger, the *****. Thats not how it was supposed to end! Why did you leave me? Why did you have to die on me Bette? I need you so much baby!


Hey Baby. I have to make this short today. Alice, Dana, and Shane are waiting for me. They still dont trust me to come here by myself. They are afraid I wont leave. They are right. I would crawl into that grave with you if I could. Youve been gone for three weeks now. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better. I dont believe them. Each day I wake up without you, it hurts more and more. Everyone says I should move out of the house but I cant its our house. It still smells like you and sometimes I even feel you there. I went to see Candace yesterday. I needed some answers. Part of me wanted to just hit her and take out all my pain and anger on her but I held back. She had said that you tried to stop her but she kept pursuing you. She couldnt give me an answer as to why you gave in and maybe I dont need one. As I was leaving, I overheard her speak to her employees and I realized I was seeing you, in a different career. Maybe that is what drew you to her. She was just like you. Sometimes I wish you were here so I could smack you for cheating on me but then I think if you were here all I would wanna do is curl up in bed with you and stay there forever. I forgive you Bette. I forgive you for cheating on me. Shane is coming to get me so I better go. I love you baby.


Today marks exactly one month since youve been gone. Sorry I havent been by. Alice keeps dragging me out. I know she is trying to help but I dont wanna do anything. Im not ready. They let me come by myself today. I guess they are beginning to trust me. I had a visitor the other day. Peggy Peabody came by. She gave me a painting. She says it was your absolute favorite and that when she showed it to you, you cried because you thought it was so beautiful. I hung it up in our room. She sais she was extremely sorry but that she knew you loved me very much. She told me that when you went to see her that you talked about me as much as you talked about art. I smiled. I think that was my first smile in weeks. Everyone said to tell you hi. They miss you very much especially Shane. Ive woken up some days and found her sleeping on our couch with one of your shirts clutched in her hands. Oh and youll get a kick out of this…Dana and Alice are a couple. Bette they are so damn cute. I guess you were right. You always told me that they would get together. I wish you could see it. They remind me of us when we first got together. It has been the only thing that has brought me joy lately. Oh and just to let you know. You are now officially the number one selling crumb cake and vanilla latte at The Planet. Marina felt it was only right to honor you with the title. I mean you did eat the same thing every morning for seven years. I miss you so much. But I can finally make it through the whole day without breaking down. My doctor put me back on xanax so I think that helps a lot. Everyone is still suggesting that I sell the house but I just cant bring myself to do it. I mean all of your clothes are still hanging in the closet just waiting for you to come home and put them on. Im still waiting for you to come home. I wont let anyone touch any of your things except for a few. I let Dana have your watch, she wears it at tournaments for good luck. Alice took a sweater she said that she had given you back when you two were dating. I didnt realize you had kept it. Kit took your teddy bear and Shane wears your silver bracelet. Actually, since she has put it on it hasnt come off. Dont tell her I told you, but she is taking this almost as hard as me. Every night she comes over and crawls into bed with. Its almost as if she is trying to get close to you. I dont know how to help her. You were always the one that understood Shane. Well I better get going. I promised Alice I would call her so she could make sure I was okay. God I miss you so much baby. I love you.


Two months. Its been two months and I dont know how Im still holding it together. Maybe Im not. It feels like Im going through the motions of life but not living. I havent been living since that night. I keep wanting to wake up from this *****, but I never do. I wake up every morning alone and go to sleep every night alone. You were my reason for living. Everything reminds me of you. I have been starting to work and that keeps me distracted during the day. At night I come home to our house and it is filled with you. Your smell has started to fade. It seems as if even the house is suffering without you. The garden is dead. I have no reason to tend to it. There is no one there to lay by the pool and watch me. The pool has turned green because there is no one to swim with me. Its almost too painful to even look at the pool anyways. I see it and my mind flashes back to all the times we made love in the pool. I miss making love to you. The feel and touch of your skin on mine. Your kisses. I feel as if Im forgetting what they feel like. I hate that. I want you so bad. I want you inside of me and I want to be inside of you. I keep having these dreams. These wonderful dreams that you are here. Then I wake to find you gone and reality comes crashing back. The other day I could have swore I heard the front door open and you call my name. I ran around the corner only to see no one. I fell to the floor and cried for hours. Shane came over and found me on the floor. She tried to put me to bed but I told her that you were on your way home and I was waiting for you. She told me that you werent coming home. And then I remembered. She held me as we both sat there and cried. I dont know how Im supposed to do this. How do I go on without you?


So where did I leave off yesterday? Oh yeah Dana and Alice. They finally decided on a place and are moving in together at the end of this week. Its perfect for both of them Bette. You would like it. It has pool and jacuzzi. Alice made sure that there was enough room for her chart to be hung up. You should see this thing now Bette it has doubled in size. I bet it wont be long before the two of them get married. They are perfect for each other. Oh and youll love this. Our little Shane has found herself a woman. Can you believe it? We were all in shock but they are so cute together. I wish you could be here to see them. Shane is such the romantic I tell ya. Who knew? Kit and David have been talking lately. I think they are on the verge of some sort of reconciliation. They come over every Wednesday night for dinner. We place your picture at one of the settings so that you are with us. As for me, well Ive been busy with work. These past six months have been crazy. Everyone is amazed that with all the work I still find time to come here ever day on my lunch hour. I tell them that I have been coming to see you everyday since youve been gone. Nothing is going to change that. Talking to you gets me through the day. I have been getting hit on a lot lately. I just dont think Im ready to date yet. Alice says it might be good for me but I just dont think I can. Not yet. I know its been a year but you still consume my every thought. Well, my hour is up got to get back to work. I will see you tomorrow. I love you baby. I miss you so much.


So I guess I should tell you that Ive been seeing someone. I havent wanted to tell you but it is getting serious and I think you should know. He proposed to me. Yes I did say he. His name is Joshua Michaels. He is so sweet and treats me almost as good as you did. Dana and Shane say im betraying the team by marrying a man. I tell them that I could never be with another woman. It would be betraying you. When we put those rings on our fingers we made a promise to each other. I promised you that I would never love another woman. And I never will. I wear your ring around my neck so its always close to my heart. We have a lovely house on the east side. I still have our house. I cannot part with it. I guess I feel if I sell it then all of this would be real and you really arent coming back. I just cant do that. I cant let go of you. I love you way too much.


Im pregnant. Can you believe it? Im so excited Bette yet so sad. When I dreamed of having kids they were always with you. Things are going really well. Alice and Dana are just as happy as ever. Shane has even settled down and moved in with her honey. I let them have our house. I could never let anyone else live there. Alice demands that she gets to be the godmother but Im having doubts. Hehe. Although when you and I discussed it she was always your first choice. Im sure Dana will keep her in line. Im sorry I havent been by in awhile dont think its because Im forgetting you. I could never forget you Bette Porter.


Bette there are two people that I would like you to meet. This is Elizabeth (Bette) Michaels and Joshua Porter Michaels. I had twins. They are the two most precious things in the world. I named them after you that way it would be like you are a part of them. Joshua was actually pretty okay with it. When it comes to you, he just seems to understand. He knows I love him. But I mean you are you. And nothing can compare to the way I feel about you. Dana has plans to turn them both into tennis pros while Alice feels they both could be excellent journalists. But little Bette seems to love to draw. I have a feeling she is going to be an artist. It brings a smile to my face because its like you are right here with me.


Um Bette…this is Bette. Well um Elizabeth, Tinas daughter. Mom passed away last month. I was going through her stuff and found one last letter to you so I thought Id come read it to you. You were such a huge part of her life.
Hey babe. Wow it seems like forever since I have called you that. Im writing this to let you know that Im sick. I dont have much longer but Im not scared. I finally get to see you again after all these years. I have had a wonderful life with Josh. We have two beautiful successful children whom I love dearly. But I cant wait to see you. I have been waiting all this time for you to come home to me but I guess what I should have been waiting for is the day I get to come home to you. I love you Bette Porter with all my heart and soul. I cant wait to spend eternity with you. Love T
I know that mom is with you now. So just tell her that we love her and miss her. I trust you to take care of her for us.