Restrained Recovery
By owelpost (drakkar@rogers.com) and windrider (chelm@netwalk.com)

Part Fourteen

– x –

From across the room, where Robin sat watching the flow of customers, Lara had the hollow-eyed look of a pilgrim who had not yet shaken the dust of the road from her feet, still deep in the trance of some private revelation. Her red hair flew off in all directions, as though trying to escape whatever was roiling around in the womans mind. But on her face, there was absolutely nothing. Not a trace of emotion, or thought, or consciousness. Whatever she had encountered, it didnt look very enlightening to Robin. In fact, it looked like utter devastation.

She had seen a look similar to this during one of her early circus tours. She was just learning to catch, so they were all working with a net during practices and rehearsals. The lead aerialists, Simone and Neil, were fighting up high as well as down low. Neither could seem to leave their marital problems behind when they stepped into the ring. And it made for a lot of tension too far above ground to suit Robin.

Simone was learning a particularly difficult move that demanded great strength, agility, and absolute split second timing. Robin saw it come, in the angry fire flickering behind Neils eyes, the slightest hesitation in Simones release of the bar, the less than full extension of Neils arms. Robin was out of position to make the catch. She could only watch Simone fall into the net, with that same stunned look on her face. Simone had been working the high wires since she was a child. She knew how to fall into the net and stay there. This time, she only managed to catch just the edge of it, flipped over, and landed hard on her face in the dust, fingers still tangled in the net. The betrayal, not her injuries, ended the act.

Lara had the look of someone whod missed the catch and fallen out of the net. Robin stood up slowly, nervous about approaching someone she didnt know who was obviously in a fragile state. But it was in her nature to reach out and catch the fallen. So she threaded her way through the crowd to Laras table, standing a respectful distance apart from her.

Are you all right? Can I get you something?

It felt like slow motion to Lara, as she swiveled her head to see the lean and muscled woman standing at her table, talking to her. What? Im sorry, I didnt hear you? She struggled just to stay present, pay attention.

I asked if I could get you something. Maybe some coffee or tea, some water? Robin tilted her head to the side, giving Lara a sympathetic smile.

Oh, II dont know, Lara looked away, looked back. I guess Im something of a mess this morning. A feeble smile played across her lips and vanished.

Ive had mornings like that myself, Robin smiled back. So. Coffee? Tea?

Bottled water, Lara nodded vacantly. I dont think I could handle coffee right now. Thanks. Lara felt odd, and yet not, accepting the strangers kindness. Shed never seen her before, probably would never see her again, but the comfort was welcome. She was hungry for it. And knew that hunger could lead to dark places.

Here you are, Robin cracked open the bottle of water and sat it in front of Lara who simply sat looking at it. Robin gently took Laras hands and wrapped them around the bottle. The pain that slid behind Laras eyes bit into Robins soul. Someone had really broken this womans heart, she thought. She took a deep breath and asked a question. So, is this hangover from the booze or a woman or both? she tried to keep her voice light.

The tears spilled out of Laras eyes. She didnt even raise a hand to wipe them away.

I see, Robin said softly. Im sorry. Do you have someone you can talk to?

Lara looked around The Planet. Probably not. I was just Danas girlfriend. I imagine now that Im not, well . She sighed unhappily.

Anger flared in Robin before she could swallow it. So what does that mean? Youre just an appendage here and then youre nobody when you get dumped? That doesnt seem right.

Some semblance of focus came into Laras eyes. I dont know thats how it will be. Im just speculating. You know how it is when couples break up.

Robin took a deep swallow of her own coffee. Yeah, I do. Youre either fresh meat or inconsequential, neither of which are particularly palatable.

You sound like youve been there too, Lara answered.

Yeah. I have. Robin lowered her eyes. The pain wasnt recent, but it went deep enough to ripple through her when the right pebble was tossed.

Well, Lara smiled weakly, we get through it, dont we?

Robin nodded, choking back the conditional sometimes we do, sometimes we dont response that almost fell off her lips. Maybe we can tell each other our break-up stories some time, she smiled tentatively.

Yeah, Laras face sobered. Maybe we can. Someday.

When the pains not so raw?

Yeah.

The silence lengthened between them so Robin took her cue, glanced at her watch and said, Well, hey, I gotta get going. Ive got some appointments today. Maybe Ill see you around. Later.

Lara nodded and managed a slight smile. Later.

Robin started to walk away, then looked back over her shoulder. My names Robin, by the way.

Lara.

Lara, Robin repeated, a smile on her face. Thats a nice name. Ill remember it.

– x –

Marina walked over with a cup of coffee in each hand, giving Robins retreating ***** an appreciative stare. Lara, on the other hand, had withdrawn into herself again and barely acknowledged Marinas arrival.

Hey, she snapped her fingers in front of the redheads face, where are you this morning?

I wish I knew, Lara whispered unhappily.

Whats wrong? Marinas brow furrowed.

I dont think.

Lara, you look like *****. You cant just pretend You have to talk about this, the caf owner insisted. Whatever it is, it cant be as bad. Laras head snapped up, and when her blue eyes met Marinas dark ones, Marina began to realize that yes, it could be just that bad. Or maybe a little worse, from what Francesca had let on about Susan. What did she do?

Who? Confusion clouded Laras eyes.

Susan.

A sharp intake of breath and the hard thump of her heart against Laras ribs signaled shock and panic that someone else knew. What about Susan? How do you?

She was here last night.

Laras eyes widened with alarm, and yetthat explained the smell of her perfume on Danas clothes. Were she and Dana?

Marina dropped her gaze, undecided as to how much to tell Lara. To say she was putting the moves on Dana is an understatement.

Oh. Laras mouth rounded in dismay. A long breath fell out of her.

I put a stop to it, made it clear she couldnt do her hunting in my place. She left about 15 minutes before you got here.

Well, that explains your phone call, Lara replied faintly, thank you. For all the good it did.

What do you mean?

Dana threw me out this morning, Lara barely got the words out before she began to cry soundlessly.

Over Susan? Oh, Lara, she couldnt possibly. Marina sat back against the chair in shock.

N-n-n-n-o, Lara managed to stutter around the cries, not directly anyway.

Doesnt she know what kind of woman Susan is? Marina asked hoarsely. Her voice held an edge of contempt, but uneasiness shuddered behind it.

You know Susan?

Francesca knows her, Marinas voice grew cold. They were–involved–at one time.

Laras eyes rounded in shock. She hadnt met Francesca but shed heard that she was one powerful woman. She couldnt imagine Susan with someone like that.

Yes, Marinas voice dropped low. They were working on a film together. Susan was doing makeup, Francesca the costume design. I think Susan tried to top Francesca. A bitter laugh escaped her. What a mistake THAT was.

Lara laughed in spite of herself at the thought of Susan being dominated by someone else. Francesca must really be something.

Yes, Marina looked away, not altogether happily, she can be quite–assertive–when she wants to be.

So can Susan. Lara dropped her eyes to the table.

Marina pushed Laras coffee into her hands, and nodded toward it. You havent answered my question. What is Susan doing in your life? In Danas life? Marina picked up her own cup, blew across the top to cool it, and took a sip, never breaking eye contact with Lara.

Sorrow welled up in her out of the deepest places of hope and longing. What was the point of talking about it now?

What is the point of NOT talking about it? Marine demanded quietly, having read the defeat on Laras face. Tell me. Everything. Maybe I can help.

Lara shook her head, hair tumbling over her face. I dont think you could possibly unders—

Marina reached out one warm hand and placed it lightly on Laras arm. I know what it is like to be–controlled by someone, to want it and not want it, to Her voice trailed off.

In that moment, Lara understood. Words became unnecessary. Strong, invincible macho femme Marina would give it up any time and any place for Francesca.

It started two years ago. Thats when I met Susan. She had me from the first look, Marina, I never

Marina nodded, understanding completely, remembering the evening she met Francesca.

Lara spared a lot of the details. It seemed unnecessary to talk about her progressive fall into utter submission, degradation, addiction to that woman.

So, Marina sat back when Lara had finished, what is she doing back in your life now?

Lara glanced away, thinking it through. I dont know really, except that I walked out on her, and she didnt like it. I changed apartments, changed jobs, changed friends, and for a long time I thought I was really free of her. Until I got the restraining order and summons.

And Dana?

Danas in the way, I guess. I didnt put it together until just recently. I think Susan was behind those photos that turned up.

Why would she do something like that? Marina couldnt fathom that kind of cruelty. Not even Francesca

Because she can. Because it would frighten Dana, which it did. What she hadnt counted on was the strength and determination of Danas friends. Lara smiled gratefully.

And last night? With Dana? Does she really want her?

Lara shook her head. I doubt it. She WANTED me to know she could get next to Dana any time she wanted, play her in any way that suited her.

Whats the point?

I know what shes capable of. I think she was counting on me being willing to let Dana go, if necessary, to protect her from Susan.

Was she right?

It didnt have to come to that. Lara tersely retold of her visit to the club, how Susans dealer slipped the heroin into her hoodie, Danas reaction, all of it.

Thats so unfair! Marina flushed. We have to .

NO! Laras answer came out more vehement than she meant. I mean, whats the point? This isnt the first time Dana cut me loose because she cant deal with who I am, past or present. It will always be something between us, something she cant handle. Laras lip trembled and her voice began to shake. Shes too vanilla for this, Marina. You know it and I know it.

Marinas eyes moistened. Well, we still need to get you a lawyer. You can ignore Dana, but you cant ignore the court case.

I know, Lara slumped.

Do you have to work today?

No. Geoff gave me a few days off to try to deal with this.

They know then?

Only what they need to.

OK, go home and pick up some clothes for a few days. You can stay with me. You dont need to be where Susan can find you easily. In the meantime.

Lara shook her head, patted Marinas hand. I appreciate the kindness, Marina, but I cant involve you in this.

Im already involved, Marinas back stiffened. Susan brought her game into my business, my friendships. I cant allow that.

In that moment, Lara saw a much stronger woman than shed known Marina to be. For one brief moment, she thought maybe Thanks for the offer, Marina, but youve already done enough. If you can get me the name and phone number of your lawyer, Ill take it from here.

Marina could see right through Laras faade. The girl had no strength left in her. She needed help, she needed allies, she needed–

Lara stood up, gathered her clothes under one arm, and smiled wearily. Im really just very tired right now. I think I just need to go home, shower and sleep. Right now I just cant think anymore.

Marina stood up and gave Lara a warm hug. You dont have to do this by yourself, Lara. Call me later. All right?

Lara nodded, and walked stiffly out of The Planet. It was more than fatigue that drained her of any strength. It was the defeat of knowing, deep down, that she could never have had with Dana what she most wanted and needed, not with Danas insecurities and underlying patina of what will people think coloring all her choices and actions. All she wanted now was the oblivion of mindless sleep. And maybe something more. Later. She could feel it, at the very back of her senses, the echoed remembrance of the warm flush and rush that wiped away all her cares. She knew she should be afraid now. Very afraid. But at this moment, she simply didnt care enough to worry for herself anymore.

She fumbled in the pocket of her jeans for the car keys, swearing as she took note of the parking ticket on the windshield. She snatched it off, avoiding the temptation to rip it up. She already had enough legal problems. She suddenly felt as if someone had hollowed her out and filled her up with dry ice. She was cold inside her skin, down to the marrow. Her hands began to shake so badly that she couldnt slot the key into the ignition. Oh god. Please. No more. No more.

– x –

End Part Fourteen