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“…the eternal rocks beneath…” Ch. 37
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“Your mother was very ill,” Bette said and she tried to reach for her, but Tina backed away and pointed an angry finger at her.
“She left me. You left me. You ran back for those people and left me behind. You died and left me alone!” Tina shriek hysterically.
Bette shook her head. “No, I’m alive. Look at me. I’m alive and I didn’t leave you!” Bette cried in a panic. “Tina, look at me!” she yelled when she saw Tina begin to spasm and shake.
Tina blinked a few times, shivered and shook her head. Bette’s voice had gotten her attention and something dislodged in her mind, worked its way loose. She took rapid, deep breaths and swallowed. The redness in her face began to dissipate and she unclenched her fist.
“Shit,” she breathed, and then she broke down and began to sob again. “I saw you die, Bette. I saw you die!” She reached out shaking hands, and Bette pulled her in quickly and held her.
“I didn’t die, baby. I’m here. Right here,” Bette said tenderly.
Tina wept into Bette’s shoulder and she sank to her knees as she cried, “You left me. I begged you and you left me.” She now crumbled to the ground and Bette held her in her arms and rocked her.
“I didn’t die. I didn’t leave you. I’m right here. I’m here,” Bette cooed as she stroked Tina’s hair.
Tina was inconsolable, weeping and clinging to Bette. The anger she had for her mother, displaced onto Bette, had run her ragged. The after effects of the medication were still playing havoc with her body and brain as well. A part of Tina knew it made no sense to blame Bette for their near deaths, but the scared child inside of her had needed to finally lash out and speak her anger and resentment at being abandoned so long ago.
Bette felt spent, worn out by this revelation. How had her sister overlooked the connection? How had the team of professionals Tina had seen since her childhood not realized. And maybe they had, but none had truly addressed it. Even she herself had not made the connection because Tina had always been very protective of her mother’s memory, drawn into angry fist fights to defend her mother’s name. And all this time, both loving her mother and hating her had split Tina down the middle, fragmenting her. It was the source of all the misery that followed and made worse later by her father’s betrayal and abuse. It was a miracle, Bette thought, a miracle that Tina was even alive right then in her arms.
Bette began to hum softly, as she held Tina and stroked her hair. She hummed the songs they had all just sung at her father’s service. She sang a few of the words quietly into Tina’s ear. Finally Tina began to relax, still weeping, but her body was not ridged, not angry anymore. And as Bette continued to comfort Tina, both the woman and the child within her, Bette wondered if indeed she would be strong enough to get Tina through this. How does one drowning man save another?
“Keep singing to me,” Tina whimpered when Bette had gone silent.
Bette scurried in her mind, trying to remember another song, and fell back on the last song Kit and the other mourners had sung. It seemed appropriate, Bette thought, for both she and Tina needed to hold on, to choose hope over despair.
“We shall not, we shall not be moved,” she sang. And as she sang, Bette began to weep again. Her father was gone. That innocent girl, China, lost. Esme, her voice, silenced. James taken at such a young age. And now Tina, faltering on the edge of the abyss, teetering, so close to going over.
“Just like a tree standing by the water,” Bette sang and cried as the words poured from her. She held Tina tighter, tried desperately to draw on the strength of her father, her aunt, all of those who had gone before her. She was fighting not to drown, she knew, fighting to keep her head above water as she struggled to pull Tina to safety.
TBC
Mavis Staples “We Shall Not Be Moved” (1960, 2007)
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Could use a xanax-vodka-latta with whip cream and cinnamon on top right now. Ouch…
That’s… a heck of a combo. While the effects might be desirable, I’m iffy about the taste!
I might need one of those as well, now. Thank you.
OUCH! My throat is aching ’cause of the big knot that doesn’t seem willing to go away.
I’m glad Bette and Kit managed to talk. I feel sorry for both of them, Kit can’t help those feelings and Bette can’t help having a broken mother. Kit comparing her to Maxine must have hurt like hell. Bette is wiser now, though, she isn’t the old naive, and selfish, girl we’ve met before and we can see that in the way she reacted after Kit’s outburst (and then later when she tries to reach out to Tina)… the old one would have run away, filled with hurt and anger, instead she digested Kit’s words and understood.
Tina’s behavior is totally understandable, the things she went throught when she was a little girl came crashing down on her so suddenly she’s just too overwhelmed. I’m glad though, she at least had that final outburst, she kept it all bottled up for too long, Bette needed some kind of reaction from her.
I really understand Bette’s sense of helplessness, I know how hard it is to try to understand, and apart from asking and asking you can’t seem to be able to help and the wall is so thick. I’ve been there, it’s frustrating and sadly, sometimes you feel like throwing it all away.
But I’m hopeful and I know our girls will be able to reach the surface, together.
Loved your chapter, I will wait (im)patiently for the next one.
M xo
What she said.
great chapter
I know your not getting this even tho its FIXED
Wow, oh wow!!! BenMac you are a superb writer and you have proven it over and over again with this chapter being no different. You have just gone beyond anything I could have ever imagined. The way you portray all the love, sadness and the mental state of them all and with everyone being so different in their needs. I hurt for them all but especially Bette and Tina. I don’t think I’ve cried as much for any other story especially this chapter like I have for our girls. Tina is all but catatonic now and I would hate to see something happen to her from which she may not recover. I felt all their pain and sorrow.
Happy that Bette and Kit got all that resentment behind them and I have hope that they will be okay with time. However Kit needs some counseling as well because Melvin was her father and emotionally he was the man in her life until Angus came along. So she needs to get counseling for that as well as her problems with resenting Bette for most of her life. I realize she has a right to those feelings because she missed out on her childhood and teenage years and just enjoying life period because she felt she had to care for Bette. Whoever Davids’ father did not help at all that was just a wham, bam, thank you ma’am and he was out of sight, so that still left her without a life and love of her own. Boy, your version of Maxine showed her as a damaged piece of work, that needed help and never got it so she progressed to be even worse.
Personally, I think Tina needs to go back to the clinic she was in a few chapters ago. She seemed to have success with Dr. Bailey and the staff at that facility but, her treatment needs to be so much more intensive to get to the bottom of all that plagues her when she is in crisis and we know the list is almost bottomless. I think she should forego the trip to London to open another restaurant because she will come up against something that will flip her out beyond help. Hope Bette can talk her out of it, maybe Helena can talk her into going into treatment first. Tina is hanging by a very slender thread and the least little thing can send her into a momentous tailspin from which she may never recover. That would be awful. She and Bette have the potential to have a beautiful life if they can work out their issues and they can’t do it alone, neither of them, they must have professional help.
Jodi has been a great help to Bette but, that closeness has hurt Tina as well and she needs to pack up her stuff and move on with Amy and get completely out of Bettes’ life. That connection is not really helping Bette even though she thinks it is. I realize that she can’t go to Tina at the moment because she just can’t help her right now and she needs someone but it shouldn’t be Jodi, professional yes, maybe even Helena but not Jodi. I have a problem with former girlfriends being close, it just may be my problem but I think it sets up more jealousy and all kinds of problems with the new girlfriend than anything else they could ever do. This is such an awesome story and your storytelling skills are out of sight. Can hardly wait for the next one to see what you conjure up for them next. Thanks for this wonderful story.
What a beutifully written chapter BenMac, very realistic and mature and necessary too! They needed that “breakdown” if they are going to build a new foundation in their relationship. And I think beyond needs and longings and dependence and obsessions what stands out and has always been between them since they were kids is love. I believe they truly do love one another and love is the strongest force in our universe and it will carry them through. We go through fires so that we can come out refined and strong and that’s what I believe for you characters. I also think it would be so sweet and special that the first time they do make love to each other after all these years will be in the treehouse that to me is symbolic to so many things in this story! Ps: I don’t like fanfics but my goodness are you a good writer. I’m so invested in these characters, I almost wish this came as a paperback;)
I don’t think that they’re going to drown, that Bette will even let that happen. not after the revelation about the association Tina’s been making between her mother and Bette. Maybe Dr Bailey, and Dan, can help with that.
I’m glad Kit’s spoken about her resentments, maybe she and Bette can get past them now. And Jodi, she’s been a great friend through this. Bette’s going to need them both, even if she doesn’t want to burden them any further. But she needs to be able to rely on herself, and she maybe needs to find help outside of Jodi or Kit to learn to be able to do that.
Thanks for the post, BenMac. I’m eagerly awaiting the next chapter.
Thank you for posting, enjoyed it but was heart-broken over the sadness of Bette and Tina… The drown saving the drown … please save them.. Pps.. thank you so much
Thanks! Just so, so sad for them both! Time heals all wounds! PPS
I usually try to read your storie over a few days because I know I have a full week before the next one is posted. Not today!! Today I read it through. I love how you write. So full of emotion. I hope you have ideas floating around I’m your head for more stories. Thanks.
It was a really sad chapter.
to be honest I was secretly waiting for some relief, but now I feel even more anxiety!
I am glad that Kit and Bette finally talked things out and start healing between the two sisters.
Kit is opposed to Bette and Tina’s relationship because she did not believe that they are able to cure each other. I hope that the love is strong!
I can almost feel the pain and anguish of Tina, she is on the brink (as when she was a teenager), but as it is now, there is someone who catches her before falling. (Bette) I understand that Bette is desperate, and that fight to operable head above water, but I believe in them, believe in the power of love. They rescue each other. Yes, Tina need to get help, and I’m sure it will be difficult for both of them. but in the end the wounds will heal!
Thanks, Benmac. I love it!
I’m looking forward to the next chapter.
Mental illness sucks. My childhood was spent with a mother that had this issue. Yep, I have scars. Not physical ones but the emotional scars are pretty painful. I’ve been in a funk all week and what helps me through is having someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be OK. Tina has Bette. Bette has Tina. Sometimes love is enough.
Thanks for sharing your talent and taking care of misfits.
Omg that was just heartbreaking but so wonderfully wrote.
It will be different this time because they are both mature women and they have faced their demons and with love, commitment and hard work and Tina’s continued therapy, they will be able to save each other. Bette is stronger and more selfless than she realises. She risked her life to save two women from an exploding bomb. Just like Tina was strong and selfless to save Bette. Her love for Bette is no longer obsessive but it is selfless and pure.
BenMac, this was wonderfully written. Please give us some relief and let our girls be happy again.
Tearful and beautiful. Thank you!!
BenMac, you really are one hell of a story teller! Both Tina and Bette are vulnerable right now and they need to turn to each other for support, because if they are to succeed in their relationship this is what they will have to do going forward. If they want a committed relationship, this is the lesson they must learn. Phenomenally written; you poured your heart out into this one. Thanks and can’t wait until next week!!!
Well written, great dialogue and descriptions! Bette and Tina seem to have each come full circle. Both of them seem to hold the missing piece for the other. Thanks for writing such a many layered story. It’s a pleasure to read!
Thank you BenMac for the update and story. I feel so sad and low and so desperate to read the next chapter, Kit’s outburst and thinking is like a wake up call, Bette must be able to go through this and then she will be able to hold her head above the water and eventually pulls Tina out. If she can’t stay strong now, I think everything between them will be history. So looking forward to your next update ;-)
Wow, just wow
Omg I feel the soreness in my throat, the tears coming out my eyes, my heart feeling heavy. ..this was the most heartbreaking story I’ve read on here, so true to reality the pain that everyone is going through, but mostly those two women who had endured heartache after heartaches it makes you wonder if they will ever find peace. If we believe in Tibette love like we all do I know it will get better their love is strong and more powerful than any couple I’ve ever seen fiction or non fiction, reality or make believe. I do feel bad for Bette more a lil I believe that people dont give her a break yeah she made mistakes but she was a lil girl too 19 years old is still young at heart and body, I seem like people make her the villian sometimes but she’s definitely not…please let it get better this is just mind blowing
Wow thankyou, great story. Please help Tina to gt better. Thx
BenMac thank you for the depth of this story and your brilliant writing. You’ve taken us on an incredible journey through 24 years of the lives of these characters and they still have so far to go to get to the beginning of what we hope will be their happily ever after.
Sometimes I am skeptical that Bette and Tina can really make it together when they have so many strikes against them but I don’t think these two could survive with anyone else. They will either sink or swim together but they both need to find the right kind of help.
I’ve said throughout my comments that as much as everyone wants to protect Tina they are doing her such a disservice by not accepting the reality of her mental illness. Kit from the beginning has been totally out of her depth professionally and given her emotional involvement and personal bias she should never have treated or had any say in Tina’s treatment. That 13 year old and later 16 year old that we met was in crisis. Kit and her textbook knowledge and Miriam with her comfort did more harm than good. They might have saved Tina from physical suicide but enabled emotional suicide.
Every recommendation for treatment that Kit made has backfired and all she can say is that maybe she made a ‘mistake’? Tina is not her personal science project that she can continue to fuck up her mind and then go back to the drawing board. We’ve only heard reference to Dr. Dan but based on what you’ve shared with us about the treatment she got from Dr. Bailey and her current state of mind, I do believe going back to the rehab center and checking herself in for long-term treatment with Dr. Bailey is the best option for Tina.
It also wouldn’t hurt if Bette did the same; she’s got just as much emotional baggage to let go of, and she certainly is in no condition to help Tina. I hope this time Tina will stay and fight for her sanity.
Bette also needs to come to grips with the fact that she is the ‘trigger’ for Tina’s mental breakdowns. That is a burden that she carries but neither have dealt with it. Bette running back into that fire and then Jodi’s hysterical plea for Tina to save her, and then Bette refusing to be saved going after China and Ruiz. No wonder Tina’s fragile mind short circuited.
The Jodi/Bette dynamic is also worrisome. Both are with new partners but neither has let go of the emotional stronghold and co-dependence of their relationship. Trying to maintain that friendship is a barrier to Bette fully giving herself to Tina and it doesn’t help Tina’s emotional recovery knowing that Jodi will always be the one Bette will run to in crisis.
I wonder about Bette and Tina’s future if they decide to have children. It seems both their mother’s suffered mental illness, and it’s perpetuated in them as well. Will they carry it into the next generation or finally break the cycle? Will Bette always worry for her children at Tina’s hands or will she worry too that she might become her mother?
The last several chapters have been very powerful and I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to really provide a dose of reality into this fanfic. So many times Tibette is just focused on getting them into bed that their issues are never resolved and the foundation of their relationship never explored. Thank you for a very mature storyline.
This story has brought fanfic to a whole new level! Not only the story is intriguing and meaningful, but it also gets interesting comments. Always thankful for your stories Ben Mac.
Wow, what a sad chapter, but so very well written. You just get better and deeper with each chapter. I really feel for Bette and Tina and hope they each can overcome their problems, guilt and sorrow with each others help. They’ve come too far to give up now. Hopefully, Tina will not go to London and will get help at a better hospital or facility like she did last time. Bette could also use some therapy I think. They need to remember that they do love each other and not just need each other. Kit and the others really need to believe in them instead of trying to keep them apart. Either way, I’m sure the journey you take us on will be a good one and I can’t wait to see where they go next. PPS!
Wow that was some excellent writing right there. Everybody in this chapter needed help. I hope Tina is able to come back from this. I felt sorry for everyone. You did promise you would make it better though. Can’t wait to read your next post.
That was so emotional and heart felt, especially Bette speech to Tina at her father service. I hope that they both get the mental help that they need so that they can be there for one another in the future, but as much of a Tibette fan that I am I feel that they need to spend some time apart to heal. BenMac thanks for such a prolific story.
So sad, they need to talk more and work thing out. Please post more, thanks
You are an amazing writer but this story is sooo sad.PPS
Wow!!!!!
BenMac, I usually read your chapters two or three times then I comment. This time I could hardly make it thru one reading before just being so emotional that I had to stop. I am so sad for Tina being in this state. She is such an accomplished successful woman and yet she cannot get beyond her past history. Bette has to trust their love enough that she can keep them afloat to heal. What a sad time for this whole family. Death reveals so many old wounds and untold stories that have been hidden in layers of dust. I hope that Tina can fight her way back from the brink again. Maybe now that the true root of her illness has been revealed now help can come without the haze of drugs. I want Kit to be wrong. I want them to be able to live together and raise a family. I know that you are a true Tibetter, but I just don’t see a realistic happy ending for this couple. Please prove me wrong this week.
Hi BenMac,it’s been sometime since I left comments. All this while I have been following this story very closely and get very excited when new chapters posted. Both Bette and Tina had been through so much with their memories and trauma haunting them that affected their progress with their rekindle love. I don’t how you going patch and fix them back together but knowing with your brilliant and creative writing, you won’t let us down.Just that we may have to wait patiently for you. Thank you for this great chapter,PPS!
Hi BenMac … My second round for this chapter, and I am more in awe on your writing and story telling. Thanks! Very huge THANK YOU for sharing this story! It’s simply blowing my mind that I can read this amazing story and although I knew already the story line, I still feel emotionally attached to each development of our favorite ladies. And again, this Jodi is alien! LOL too good!! I think this is really the 1st time that I read Jodi as the protagonist :p but.. Well, for someone who can magically turn jenny into the champion, maybe this is just another “easy” trick for her ;-) I hope you will update and share the next chapter soon :-) thanks again :0)x