Chapter 1

Bette sat up in the King size bed – the bed that belonged to them – her and Tina. Just moments ago, Tina had gotten out of bed – put on her clothes and left the house. Not a word -she just left.

What have I done? What the ***** have I done? Bette muttered to herself as she recounted the events of the evening. She and Tina had never been rough with one another before – how could they be so out of control? How could their lives have gotten so out of control? Bette stopped herself – realizing that she was the one who had allowed herself to lose control. And now as a result, she had most likely lost the one person in her life who gave her everything she had, her unconditional love – that person was Tina.

What most people didnt know – not even Tina, was that Tina was the strong one, the confident one, the grounded one. She was Bettes rock. On some level, Bette always assumed that Tina would be there for her – no matter whatno matter what. Bette realized that her little fling with Candace changed everything.
How stupid could she be? She didnt even find what she was searching for with Candace. Searching for – what the ***** was I searching for? Bette couldnt believe how low shed sunk. It was an inner peace Bette had been looking for. What she didnt realize at the time was that inner peace needed to come from her – not someone else. Sure, the ***** with Candace was exciting – at first – but it left Bette feeling empty – totally empty. Making love with Tina had always made her feel so complete, so happy – – – – – so boring. Wasnt that what their friends had told them – they were becoming boring. What she wouldnt give to turn back the clock to the time when she and Tina were becoming hopelessly BORING! It wasnt boring, it was safe, it was comfortable, it was home.

Home – oh my God, what have I done? Ive shattered my home, my family Bettes thoughts trailed off as she began to sob. She thought about all of the times she and Tina made love in this very bed – such passion – such tenderness. Her thoughts went to Tina – I hope shes ok I have to find herI have no right to go find her I have to give her space. Bettes sobs were now uncontrollable. She curled up in a fetal position – still wearing what was left of the clothes she had on during her brutally emotional and painful encounter with Tina. The pain was so unbearable that Bette tried to push it and the image of what happened between them out of her mind.


Bette managed to fall asleep – she was exhausted. When she awakened, she managed to drag her heavy body into the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror. All she saw was evil. The sight of herself made her want to vomit. How could she? she wondered.



As Bette stared into the mirror, she noticed a hand print across her cheek and some slight shadowing around her right eye. She had forgotten about the slap. The slap that woke her from her self induced stupidity. Oh my God how do I explain this? She found herself ceasing to care about explanations – she deserved what she got. She deserved to hurt – just like she had hurt Tina.

Bettes mind wandered off to Tina. What if she never heard Tina call her Baby again? Tina – I love you so muchI am so sorry I hurt youso sorryso damn sorry. What do I do now? – I feel lost. Bette began to think – maybe if I wasnt such an ***** all the time, I wouldnt be in the position of having to apologize so much.

And she was lost. Her best friend, her lover, her rock, her soul mate was gone – maybe for good. Bette couldnt help but beat herself up some more.

Just then, the telephone rang. Bette jumped as the ring broke the haunting silence. Hi Bette. This is Alice. I just want you to know that Tina is here with me. Shes safe – but shes a mess. At the risk of sounding judgmental – how could you do this to her Bette? Tina is so in love with you. Do you have any idea how much damage youve done? You should have heard her talk about you when we were in Palm Springs – for Gods sake, she adores you – now her heart has been torn out and stomped on. What the ***** were you thinking? Whats wrong with you? Did you know that she has already taken off her wedding ring? Bettes heart sank as tears welled in her eyes. She had not removed her band – she just couldnt. She swallowed hard before she spoke.

Alice – I am such an *****! Please take care of T. Has she said anything about wanting to see mewanting to talk to me?

You know Bette – the funny thing is, she is so concerned about you – how you are. She loves you so much Bette. You have hurt her so badly. But the first thing out of her mouth this morning was I wonder how Bette is holding up. Give her some time. And Bette – how are you? I still care about you too – you *****!


It was later that day when Bette decided to call Tina. Her heart raced as she picked up the phone and dialed it – but though it raced, her heart was broken – she was broken. And she alone had broken Tinas heart. Now all she could do was try to find a way to mend it – if Tina would let her.

Tina picked up the phone – she uttered a soft hello. Bette began to cry as she said Hi T – I am so sorry for what I did to you – to us. Can we get together to talk? Tina let out a heavy sigh – she was defeated. This was the only woman she ever loved – could ever love. She felt so betrayed – she was angry. She wanted to scream at Bette – but couldnt find the energy.

Do you want me to come to the house? Tina said almost in a whisper. Bette choked back tears – Yeah, if thats ok with youyou know Tif you need more time Her words trailed off. Tina responded, Ill be over in a little while – and Bette, you hurt me so bad, I dont know how to begin to forgive you. All I do know is that I do love you. But you know – sometimes love isnt enough. With that said, Tina hung up the phone. Bette burst into tears.


The front door opened and Tina stepped inside the house – their house. The place where they lived and dreamed together. Was all of that gone now – she had to wonder. Could it ever be a home for her again?

Bette appeared from around the corner. Tina took in the site of her. She looked so tired. She was wearing gray sweats and a t-shirt that was obviously too big. She thought to herself – She looks so damn cute – almost like a little girl. As Bette approached Tina, Tina noticed the marks on Bettes face. Feeling guilty, she reached out her hand and touched Bettes cheek. Oh my god – oh my god! I did that to you – I am so sorry baby. Bette looked her in the eyes – holding the hand that Tina extended to her close to her cheek. Her eyes welled with tears. T, this is nothing compared to what I did to you. This will heal – will you – will we? Bette, I dont know what to say – what to do. I cant just throw away the last seven years of my life – our life. You keep saying youre sorry. I need to know – are you sorry for what you did, or are you sorry you got caught? Bette replied softly Tina, Im sorry for what I did – Im glad I got caught. What I was doing was killing me. I was like a ship sailing into an iceberg. I guess I needed to hit the iceberg.
Was the ***** with Candace good Bette?
First of all, it was just that *****. I guess it was good. You know – I never even took my clothes off – I couldnt I couldnt make myself that vulnerable to her. It meant nothing Tina. The feeling just wasnt there. Not the feeling that I have with you. I guess I was looking for something – peace. I didnt find it. Communication between us had broken down – I really needed you but I couldnt tell you. I was heartbroken about the baby. My job was on the line. Before that, I began to question a lot of things. I thought the idea of a family was scaring me. I thought I might be falling out of love.
Oh great. Tina shot Bette a look that could have melted steel – her anger flared.
Butthen I realized that it had nothing to do with you. I wasnt falling out of love with you. I was falling out of love with who I had become. I just didnt like myself very much.
Tinas expression softened.
Bette continued. It was like everything in my life was falling apart at onceand you had begun to rediscover yourself. And I admire you for that T. It was just hard for me to let go of you as my cute little wife who was there at my beck and call. Tina I am so sorry about all of this. If I could take it all back, I would.

Tina looked into Bettes gorgeous brown eyes – those deep, ***** beautiful eyes. Those were the eyes she loved to stare into as they made love. Such passion – so intense. Now those eyes looked tired. Tina grabbed Bettes hand. She whispered Come with me – I want to give you something.

Tina lead Bette to their bedroom – their bedroom! Tina turned to look at Bette. Right now she felt nothing but love for the woman who had just the day before betrayed her trust. Tina quietly motioned for Bette to lay down on the bed. Bette did as Tina wanted. She was totally vulnerable – she would do anything Tina wanted her to do. Tina crawled into bed next to Bette and put her arms around her. Bette let out a sigh. Tina, in a very calm and loving tone said Babe, I told you I wanted to give you something. This is it. I will always be here to hold you, and support you, to comfort you, to love you and to keep you safe while you find that inner peace that you crave. Bette began to sob – Tina just held her and said Well make it Baby. We will. I love you, but if you ever cheat on me again, Ill kill you! That made Bette chuckle in spite of herself – she knew it was true!

Bette turned to look at Tina. I love you with all my heart and soul T. I will never hurt you again. You are all I wantall I need. Lets make sure we TALK so things dont get out of control again – ok?

Yeah Babe, OK. Tina said with a ***** smile. You know, Im still mad at you.
Yeah, I know – me too!

Tina added We have so much more to talk about. But not right now.

They both settled into a comfortable embrace and fell asleep in each others arms. It would be hours before they would awaken from their peaceful, restful slumber.