I Drive Myself Crazy

12:01. That’s what the clock says. This has been happening every night for the past few weeks. I wake up at some horrid time in the morning, hours before I should, and I don’t know why. Ok just kidding, I know why. It’s because I don’t have her. She’s not here, lying in my arms or vice versa. She’s not here to hold me when I have nightmares, I’m not with her when she has a crazy dream she wants to tell me about the second she wakes up. I guess I didn’t know what I had.

Now I toss and turn for hours on end trying to get back to sleep, but I can’t. My mind is too flooded with thoughts of her. My Spencer, my beautiful blonde haired, ocean blue eyed beauty. So again, I cry. I cry for being so stupid as to let her go, to give up the best thing to have ever happened to me.

I made the biggest mistake ever by letting her go. But, I can’t really be held accountable for my actions right? I mean, we all just got shot at, Aiden professed his love for me, Aiden got shot…so it’s really not my fault! Ugh…who am I kidding? Of course it’s my fault. It always is. However, this time it’s also Aiden’s and those bastards from Northridge. See, this is why I like girls. Sure they cause drama, but they don’t go as far as to get into a gang war. I said it before and I’ll say it again, stupid boys and their stupid testosterone.

She always put me and our relationship before everything else, even her family. That core group in her life, she made them second, for me. And what do I do? Put her, our relationship, and everything that I could ever want in second position. I put my friendship, yes friendship, not relationship, friendship with Aiden first. I took her for granted all the time, always thinking that she was going to be there when I needed her. She always gave up everything for me without a second thought. She was there for me through my worst times taking care of me. I did nothing for her, nothing.