Lately

I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. I’ve tried to stop myself but, I just get caught up with all the amazing times we had. All the laughs, hugs, kisses, whispers, and reassurances of forever…they all warm me. But then prom comes to my mind and that warmth turns to ice, and I’m frozen. People could start calling me the Ice Queen if they so desired.

It still confuses me. Why, after all we’d gone through with Madison, me finally realizing and accepting my feelings, and all of the shit with my mother would she give it up like it was nothing? It doesn’t make sense. She had so many chances to get back together with him, especially when we were still just friends. If she still had unresolved feelings why not do it before we got too emotionally attached? I just don’t get it! She was genuinely happy. I could tell. The warmth of her smile, the look in her eyes, the gentleness of her touch, was enough to tell me that she was in love with me. She tried to protect me from all the bullshit in the world. The bullshit that includes: ignorant, self righteous, condescending, hypocrites; i.e. my mother.

Ugh, my mother. When she heard the news that Ashley left me she was practically bouncing off the walls. She wears the same ‘I told you God would punish you for sinning the way you have’ smug smile every damn day. I wish I could wipe it off her face, slap her the way she slapped me when I called her out all those months ago. She taunts me every day, telling me that everything she said was right, everything she assumed about Ashley proved true. Normally I’d retort but, I’ve lost all will to defend my love for her. What’s the point?

My dad tries to get her to stop, knowing how much she’s hurting me, but she seems to think it’s good for me to hear her belittling what I had with her, even though she knows I was truly happy for once in my life. Having Ashley, knowing I loved her and she loved me pissed my mom off like none other. We all know it. She never hid her disgust. So now she does everything she can to make me feel like crap. She’s even tried to set me up on more blind dates with ‘Nice, wholesome, normal boys’. In other words, they’re ignorant, church going, bible banging, momma’s boys that do what they’re told for fear of burning in hell. As if Ashley and I being apart would suddenly make me ‘straighten out’. She’s delusional.

All I think is if loving her was right then I don’t want to be wrong. So I go to my room day after day, drown myself in tears, and sing another sad love song. I’ve got a few of those mixes scattered about in my room. That’s what I did the morning after she ended it, went on my computer, downloaded a bunch of ‘I just got my heart broken, I’m emo as fuck now’ songs. Though I’d never go as far as to “cut my wrists and black my eyes” but as much as I’d like to believe that I can…“I can’t make it on my own.” But not because my heart is in Ohio, it’s because my heart is in L.A. shattered into those million small pieces, and really…the only one that can fix it is Ashley. She’s the only one that can take those pieces in her hands and magically they’ll be fixed; my heart whole, beating, and only for her to hold.

Every night before I got to sleep, I sit by my window just looking up at the stars. Praying to God, the same one that brought her into my life, to bring my baby back…right back to me, where she belongs. Watching the days go by is so lonely. We should be doing that together, spending our days together.

If she were to ask me for another chance I don’t know what I’d do. Yes, I want her back in my life, back to me waking up in her arms or her in mine, back to big smiles, passionate kisses, and post-coital bliss. I want it more than anything. But then there’s a part of me that says ‘What makes you think she won’t do it again? Won’t up and leave, breaking your heart again.’ and it’s true. She did it once, who’s to say she wouldn’t again?

Could I really get back with her always thinking in the back of my mind she doesn’t have the same feelings for me that I her?