Chapter Four: Feels Like Falling

It had been three days. Three days that seemed to zip by, not leaving any time for Spencer to get inside of her own head to deal with it. To deal with Ashley. When she had knocked into her in the hallway, her whole world had fallen away. All summer, she’d spent nights awake, dreaming about coconut smelling skin, and a husky voice that somehow made everything alright. If she hadn’t lost her faith in God, she would have prayed to him to bring Ashley back to her. It was a selfish want. She knew she wasn’t worthy of the auburn haired beauty. She’d given everything to Ashley. She’d given herself in every way imaginable. It hadn’t been enough though. Ashley still left, discarding Spencer’s bleeding heart in her hands. But, now the girl was back… and it just felt a little too late to Spencer.

Now she was back, and her skin still smelled of coconut. Spencer knew because the scent had made her dizzy that day in the hallway, when the train wreck of her life decided to explode one last time. That scent was how she knew it was Ashley, before she even glanced at the girl. And it was that scent that flooded her mind for three days, as they sat silently next to each other in Creative Writing. Mrs. Grey had assigned the seats according to their new partners, which was something else Spencer hadn’t yet been able to work out in her mind. She and Ashley were being forced to spend time together, something she knew she needed to avoid… because she wanted it all too much.

They hadn’t talked, really. During class they both pretended to be overly absorbed in the subject matter, hoping the other didn’t notice their sideways glances. It was strange to sit next to someone you loved so much that the seams of your heart were bursting, and not know how to say anything to them. Ashley wanted to ask the other girl what had happened to her. She wanted to know what the fuck had happened to her eyes. Spencer wanted to demand to know where Ashley had disappeared too… and why she had pretended to love. Both girls wanted to lose themselves inside the other, but held back… too afraid. When the music of their husky voices finally collided, it had been a short conversation. A time. 4:00 pm. A date. Thursday. A location. The library… Spencer’s choice after Ashley had wrongly suggested one of their houses.