Chapter One:

Different Names For The Same Thing

Do you ever feel like there are different versions of yourself? Like the you that you let everyone see is just an imposter, just a clever little creation you made to allow yourself to get by? I do. In fact, I am pretty sure I have three different selves. Me number one is the one everyone witnesses most often. It is the cheerful version, ever so optimistic,, funny, kind and patient. This version is fairly well liked and gets along with most everyone with out too much trouble.

Me number two is the me that comes out generally only at parties. This version is insatiable and constantly pushing the limits. All it wants is to fill that little empty void inside with something, and will settle for anything that will give it a buzz. It doesn’t care when, how, what or why, it just wants to feel good. Generally this me will do anything to avoid having to think, because if it did, it generally transforms into me number three.

This one is the me I most commonly keep to myself, revealing only when alone and lost deep in thought. This me is well hidden I’d like to hope, mostly because it is horribly depressing. Any possible life question you can imagine this me has probably debated internally and decided an answer. The meaning of life? To live it. Am I afraid to die? No, if anything I am eager to see what lies on the other side. What do I fear the most? Losing the people I love and having to live without them. Is there really a God? I don’t believe so, at least not in the sense it is pictured in religious texts.

This me is the deep me, but it is also the me that contemplates what it’d be like if I just jerked my steering wheel to the side and let myself plunge off a steep embankment. What would happen? Who would cry? Would my friends really care or would they just move on? Have I actually affected anyone’s life to the point they will remember me forever, or was I just a waste of breath? Often times I will just sit, staring aimlessly out a window as I realize each breath I take it bringing me one breath closer to my last.