I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I was like a fucking immobile zombie just taking up space.

That day I wrote a song. I put my all into it and recorded it that night. It was one of those things where you can’t escape but could never pull yourself to let anyone else hear it kind of moments. It was more of a healing process for me. Something I had to do. I think about sending a copy of every song I write to Spencer for her approval first. This wasn’t one of those times. This was something she couldn’t be a part of. In a dark secluded booth I worked for a few hours just getting it all out.

I’m not the type to get my heart broken
I’m not the type to get upset and cry
Cause I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye
Relationships don’t get deep to me
Never got that whole ‘in love’ thing
And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn’t mean a thing

My mind is gone, I’m spinning ‘round
And deep inside my tears I’ll drown
I’m losing grip, what’s happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I’m in this condition
And I’ve got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you’ll never see me cry

Did it happen when we first kissed
Cause it’s hurting me to let it go
Maybe cause we spent so much time
And I know that it’s no more
I shoulda never let you hold me baby
Maybe why I’m sad to see us apart
I didn’t give to you on purpose
Can’t figure out how you stole my heart

My mind is gone, I’m spinning round
And deep inside my tears I’ll drown
I’m losing grip, what’s happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I’m in this condition
And I’ve got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you’ll never see me cry

How did I get here with you I’ll never know
I never meant to let it get so personal
And after all I tried to do to stay away from loving you
I’m broken hearted I can’t let you know
And I won’t let it show
You won’t see me cry

This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I’m in this condition
And I’ve got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you’ll never see me cry…

Ironically, I cried during the session. It felt liberating. I felt less like a walking corpse and more like a person again. Now I only had to let my mind believe it was worth it to feel alive again without her.

—————

“Cry” by Rihanna