Fuck! I can’t believe she’s married. She’s been fucking married for 5 hours now and I feel like I’m dying. Why did she have to throw everything away, huh? It’s not like she was really in love with that guy. I know she wasn’t. She was just doing it to please everybody in the world and in doing that she screwed me and her in the process. I don’t think I’m going to survive this. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed inside of my chest. It hurts so much.

So that’s why I’m sitting at the bar of one of L.A.’s hottest night clubs trying to numb the pain with a bottle of my favorite tequilas, Patron. Fuck, my two years of sobriety, fuck everything. I don’t care anymore. The one thing, the one person that promised to always love me, to always be there for me is now gone and nothing matters anymore.

WHY?, WHY?, WHY? Does this always happen to me? Everybody that I’ve ever love just leaves me or doesn’t give a fuck about me. My mother never loved me, my father was never there although I know he loved me and then he died and now Spencer. Kyla, my half sister loves me and I love her but sometimes it just isn’t enough, you know? Besides she’ll probably walk away after she finds about my binge tonight. She’ll be better off. That way I won’t bring her down with all my drama.

I know I fuck up sometimes but most of the time I don’t mean to. I don’t mean to hurt anybody I love it’s just sometimes it happens. Maybe I’m just not worthy to be loved? That’s probably it. Why would anyone want to love such a screw up?

So here I am doing the typical Davies thing. Trying to find anything or anybody that will numb the pain. Maybe I’ll get laid. God knows I could use it. I haven’t had sex in three years. I know I have the sex drive of a 16 year old boy and all but after Spencer I couldn’t bring myself to let anybody touch me. I really tried that first year when I was at my worse but every time some random girl tried to kiss me I would turn my head. It’s like their touch repulsed me or something. After a few more attempts at random hook ups I stopped. Why keep trying if it wasn’t happening? Besides I always had the hope that Spencer would come back. But that stops tonight. I’ll be damned if I’m going to be celibate for the rest of my fucking life.