It’s 9.30 and I’m getting antsy. This was such a bad idea, I mean another day with Ashley. A whole day with Ashley, this can’t end well. To try and take my mind off it I go out onto the front doorstep and try to concentrate on what this day is really about.

And it’s about him, about remembering and cherishing all those memories of him. He passed away seven years ago, when Ashley and I were 16. He loved Ashley to bits, always had time for her. So did my whole family for that matter. He died before I came out, but I think he knew. I think he knew my feelings for her. And here I am making it about her again. Shit. Well at least it passed the time as she’s pulling up.

What the fuck?

He’s with her. Now that’s certainly blow number four. She’s rushing out of the car but he’s not going anywhere. “Hey.” She smiles sympathetically. I can’t speak, I can’t believe this is happening. I think I may be in shock. She must be able to see the panic on my face. “Oh, shit, no Spence I haven’t invited him, he’s just giving us a ride. I just assumed we’d be having a couple of drinks.”

Oh thank fuck for that. It’s true, ever since mom made this tradition the year after he died, we’ve always had a barbeque with a few beers. Just reminiscing and trying to enjoy the day. Some may think it’s morbid, but I believe it to just be a celebration of his life.

“Right” I gulp, “come on” she requests as she tugs me towards the car. So I follow her and jump in the back. He’s driving, Ashley’s fiddling with the radio and I’m trying my very best not to throw up on the interia. Awkward would be an understatement.

As we pull into the park I send up a silent thank you. I was beginning to feel claustrophobic. I jump out as soon as the car stops and try and put some distance between us, not wanting to bare witness to whatever goodbye they may be sharing.

I’m just pulling myself together when I see mom and my two sisters. Jess and Riley. Jess looks like me and mom, blonde hair and blues eyes. Riley however, looks more like our father, with dark hair and the most amazing green eyes. Which I have to say I’m a little envious of. Ashley never understood my envy, always telling me how amazing my eyes were. I guess she would think like that though, because she loves me, loved me.