May 19, 2007

            I’m super pissed that I have to get up at seven in the morning on a Saturday, even though I agreed to. See my little cousin’s school is having this walk/biking/running thing and I said I would go. I know Ashley’s not up yet, so I wait until about nine when we’re a little over half way done to text her, “hey babe text me when you get up”.

I swear this is the longest this is the longest two and a half miles ever. It’s fucking hat and I’m in sweats, and Georgia has too many hills, and I have to keep going back to get my aunt and cousins. So we finish the walk, finally. We stay up at the school for a few more hours playing games and stuff. Just as we’re about to leave Ash texts me,

“good morning baby”. It’s like 12:30 by now.

“Hey sweetie what’s up?” I reply.

“At church. You?”

“About to head, back to my cousin’s house.”

“Oh. Did you have fun?”

“no, my legs are still sore.”

“Do you run a lot?”

“Nowhere near as much as I should”, I say.

“oh, well babe I have to go. I’ll text you later. Love you”

“I love you too.”

            As soon as I get back to my cousin’s place I plopped down on the couch. I jumped right back up when I remembered that I needed to write down the lyric for the day. See back on the 8^th I started writing down one lyric a day that reminded me of her. Today’s was, “Be my baby, I’ll look after you” from “look after you” by The Fray. So that’s done. I should really work on that song because I’m supposed to play it for her in two days. I really don’t feel like it though. I’m still super tired, but that’s what happens when you get two hours of sleep. So I lay down on the living room floor, and just as I’m about to dose off my cell goes off. I pull it out of my pocket, and see my babe’s name.

“Hey”

“I thought you were in church”

“I am. We’re helping the younger kids.”

“Oh fun.”

“Yeah.”

“So, what’s up?” , I ask.

“Nothing, I wanted to talk to you”

“About?”

“I don’t know.”

“Lol, okay.”

“So I’m going to Kansas next month.” , she says.

“For what?” I wonder.

“Visit my family.”

“Oh, are you moving up there or something?”

“No, that’s where I’m from.”, she said.

Out of nowhere I feel this wave of distrust wash over me.

“Oh ok cool”, I say after a minute.

I guess she sensed an uneasiness in me.

“You okay”, she asks?

“I don’t know.”

It’s the truth. I really don’t know where that came from.

“Want to talk about it”, she asks.

“I don’t know what it is.”

“Okay.”

“Hey I got to go”, I say.

“Alright. Let me know when you figure it out?”

“ I will. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

I’m trying to shake this but it’s not working. I’m seriously confused. Where is this feeling coming from? Ashley hasn’t given me a reason to not trust her. I start deleting my text messages, and I come across the conversation from yesterday, and it hits me. I’m uneasy about the amount of girls she’s been with. Why is it bothering me? I don’t understand it. My mind will not let me forget the number. I have to talk to her about it later. I know it won’t help, but I have to let her know how I’m feeling. Right? I swear I always set myself up for destruction, and I just made a turn onto destruction boulevard.